It's the day you've waited your entire life for. You're five seconds away from taking the field as a starting midfielder! Too bad you're four seconds away from tripping on a stray soccer ball and breaking your ankle. Oops.

You were signed to the L.A. Galaxy - basically the only team American soccer fans know. And you briefly got to talk with David Beckham in the locker room while you both were changing. But then David Beckham left for better things on international shores. Meanwhile, you're still stuck warming the bench for a team that no one really watches.

You've spent the past eight years within the U.S., bouncing from Major League Soccer team to Major League Soccer team. You're getting older, and Botox doesn't work for soccer players like it does for Hollywood actresses. When Villareal CF offers you a starting position, you jump at the chance to try your hand—in this case, foot—overseas.

As a starting defender for AC Milan, you're doing pretty well for yourself. You didn't speak Italian when you first joined the team, but after a few heated games, you can safely say your trash-talking vocabulary has increased ten-fold. Your fan club loves your lowdown, trash-talking ways.

Your new perfume fragrance is flying off the shelves. Your wedding to Katy Perry was a classy, star-studded affair. You scored more goals in a single season than ever before. You don't have to balance work and life. For you, the two are knitted in a beautiful, perfect, and unstoppable synergy.