Interview with Queen Maeve
By ORDER of the QUEEN: ROYAL DECREE #1
Request for participation in raids of Ulster will be slightly increased this fall. Please plan accordingly.
By ORDER of the QUEEN: ROYAL DECREE #15
Anyone seeing Connor mac Nessa within the city limits of either Cruachain or Tara has express permission to punch him in the face and/or kill him—whichever feels right.
By ORDER of the QUEEN: ROYAL DECREE #16
As an addendum to Royal Decree #2, anyone who kills him will get a butt load of royal money and a huge sword.
By ORDER of the QUEEN: ROYAL DECREE #45
If you touch the Brown Bull over in the royal field, you will have your hands chopped off.
By ORDER of the QUEEN: ROYAL DECREE #82
Children: please leave the severed heads and limbs of our enemies alone. The corpses are perfectly comfortable on their stakes outside the castle wall, and our kitchen staff does not find your pranks amusing. Parents: please control your children. Those heads are a means of intimidation, not toys. It's a matter of respect.
By ORDER of the QUEEN: ROYAL DECREE #101
Whoever owns that '76 silver chariot whose alarm goes off at 5:00 every morning: you are literally going to be murdered if you don't take that into the shop TODAY.
By ORDER of the QUEEN: ROYAL DECREE #121
Unless you are a warrior of solid lineage, stop looking at my daughter when she's shopping at the market.
By ORDER of the QUEEN: ROYAL DECREE #159
All eligible bachelors (okay, whatever, you can be married, too) with huge muscles, please report to my bedroom. Extra points if you've killed 100+ men in battle. Super extra points if you kill someone right beforehand and don't clean up first.
By ORDER of the QUEEN: ROYAL DECREE #287
Re: The Briccriu's Feast Problem: Would all of the men in Ireland please stop being babies? Champions Conall and Loegaire, please stop being babies about not being as awesome as Cúchulainn. Ailill, darling, please stop being a baby about judging the Hero Competition. Cúchulainn, stop having such weird, low self esteem—those people were cheering, not booing you. So seriously. I decree that you stop being babies.
By ORDER of the QUEEN: ROYAL DECREE #301
Look, let's just make this simple. If you are the owner of any livestock that is Grade-A Exemplary, just go ahead and have it delivered to the castle.
What sort of animals are we talking about? Any kinds. Hounds, pigs, bulls, birds, whatever. If they're the strongest, most excellent of their breed, bring them.
Will I be compensated? Yes! Handsomely!
What if I don't want to? Hmmm, not really a choice. If you neglect to do it, your home and/or town will be raided.
If you raid my home and/or town and successfully capture my animal, do I still get compensated? You are hilarious. No, no, if that's the case you relinquish your right to my royal monies. And you'll probably die, in fact, come to think of it.
By ORDER of the QUEEN: ROYAL DECREE #326
Fergus mac Roy is dead.
King Ailill is also dead. (I definitely didn't have anything to do with it.)
I'm super depressed.
I decree that everyone must remain in mourning for, like, at least a year. And I'm going to the island on Lough Ree for a much needed vacay. Coincidentally, that's where my vengeance-crazy nephew lives! But he can't possibly know I'll be there, so it's cool. But, yeah. Y'all better still be wearing black when I get back.
By ORDER of the CASTLE STAFF: ROYAL DECREE—SPECIAL EDITION
Queen Maeve just had her brains exploded by a slingshot. Her nephew, Furbaide, is not to be allowed on the premises. Please consult "WANTED" posters, hung at regular intervals around town, to acquaint yourselves with his image, and alert security if you see him. Other than that: Funeral's on Thursday. We hope to see you there.