Pan's Rants: A Blog by Pan
Post: THE GOD OF MUSIC CAN'T PLAY FOR CRAP
I'm sick of everybody saying Apollo is a better musician than me. I don't know how that myth got started, but it's total crap. We had a contest one day—WHICH I CLEARLY WON NO MATTER WHAT THAT IDIOT MIDAS SAID—and ever since then, all these false rumors have been going around.
For the record, I am a musical genius. I totally rock out on the syrinx—a.k.a. the pan flute. Did you see that Apollo? They call it the PAN flute.
Do you have an instrument named after you? All you do is play the lyre. Do they call it the Apollo lyre? Nope—just the lyre. You are so pathetic. What kind of god of music are you anyway? You didn't even invent the lyre to begin with. It was MY DAD, Hermes. So there you go, people.
Apollo: I find this blog abusive and distasteful.
Pananarama: I find you distasteful.
Post: SATAN COPIED MY STYLE!
I'm sick of everybody saying that I look like Satan. For the record, the Devil has been copying off my style for years.
Devilguy89: No way!
Pananarama: Sorry, buddy. Stories of me have been around way longer than you. You're a total copycat.
Devilguy89: Well, this depressing. First I get thrown out of Heaven and now this. My life is total Hell.
Post: I'M NOT DEAD!
I'm sick Sick SICK of everybody saying I'm dead!
For real, y'all. I'm straight kickin' it here in my country home of Arcadia just like I always have been. If this blog isn't proof enough, you should come over and party tonight.
Tonight's guest list:
• ME! (of course)
• Dionysus (my BFF)
• A swarm of nymphs (mostly Maenads, who are all insane and awesome)
• A herd of satyrs (total party animals)
• ALL of the Muses (delicious)
• Oh, and stupid Apollo (who I will totally cream in a music contest)
So come down to Arcadia tonight to get your Bacchanal on. You'll see the great god Pan alive and kickin'!
Comments:Lizbrown99: I really wish you would take this blog down. My beautiful poem about you being dead isn't nearly as effective with everyone knowing you're still alive.
Pananarama: Is this Elizabeth Barrett Browning, esteemed author of "The Dead Pan"?
Lizbrown99: Why yes! Yes it is. Writing to you straight from the Underworld.
Pananarama: Good. Stay down there.
Lizbrown99: Well, I dare say! You are a nasty little god, aren't you?
Pananarama: You told everybody I was dead!
Lizbrown99: That's no reason to be a meany pants.
Post: A REAL LADY'S PAN
I'm sick of everybody making me out to be such a jerk with the ladies. Okay, sure, there have been a few incidents with a few nymphs here and there. Yeah, there was that thing with Pitys, where she turned into a fir tree to get away from me.
And okay, there was also a similar incident with Syrinx, who turned into some reeds to escape me. (Hey, I turned her into my famous reed pipes, though. That was thoughtful, right?) And sure, there was that little tiff with Echo, where she kind of got torn to pieces by my followers, and now her voice kind of echoes forlornly across the mountains.
But, hey, I can be sensitive. Just ask Selene, the Titan goddess of the moon. She's still calling me saying things like, "Oh, Pan, you're so kind and gentle." So there you go. if I'm good enough for the moon, I should be good enough for all y'all.
Comments:Moonlady: Selene here. Just so everybody knows. Pan is gross and hairy, and he was the worst mistake of my immortal life.
Pananarama: I'm not that hairy.
Moonlady: Yes you are.
Pananarama: It was cool in the '70s.
Moonlady: It's not the '70s.