The short and long of it

I'm Bottom. I'm a working class guy who's in the wrong place at the wrong time. I end up getting turned into a donkey and falling in love with a beautiful woman who is really just under a spell. And you know what I think?

Not a word of me. All that I will tell you is, that
the duke hath dined. Get your apparel together,
good strings to your beards, new ribbons to your
pumps; meet presently at the palace; every man look
o'er his part; for the short and the long is, our
play is preferred. In any case, let Thisby have
clean linen; and let not him that plays the lion
pair his nails, for they shall hang out for the
lion's claws. And, most dear actors, eat no onions
nor garlic, for we are to utter sweet breath; and I
do not doubt but to hear them say, it is a sweet
comedy. No more words: away! go, away! (4.2.30-40)

Who Said It and Where

Duke Theseus and Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons, are getting hitched in just four days. Everything is being planned for the big royal wedding. That's where Bottom and his crew come in. They are preparing to perform a play for the upcoming festivities. The play will be the tragic tale of two young lovers, Pyramus and Thisbe (think Romeo and Juliet).

However, it's clear this group of Athenian craftsmen (called "the Mechanicals") are horrible actors and are totally clueless about how to stage a play. In a very odd case of bad decision-making, the group decides to practice the play in the woods.

During the rehearsal, Bottom's head is transformed (by Puck) into a donkey's. Of course this is hilarious to everyone watching, especially Puck. Clueless that he's been transformed, Bottom declares that his friends have run away from him in fear because they're trying to "make an ass" out of him (3.1.16).

Yep, that's a case of dramatic irony, all right. It's funny to us because we know something that Bottom doesn't—he literally has been made into an ass. (Also, his name, "Bottom" becomes very fitting, don't you think?)

What's the point of all this? Well, Oberon, King of the Fairies and Titania, Queen of the Fairies, are in a huge fight. They can't seem to fix it, so Oberon decides to take matters into his own hands. He gives Titania a love juice that will make her fall madly in love with whomever she lays eyes on. We're all for conflict resolution, but this tactic only works in the fictional world. We're betting you've already put two and two together and figured out that Titania sees donkey-Bottom and falls in love with a donkey.

With all of these spells taking place, no one knows where Bottom is. His fellow actors meet up and he doesn't make it. They're worried because no one has seen Bottom yet. If he's not around, the play can't go on. They don't have enough actors to stage the play without him.

And then they can't wait any longer. The Duke is coming from the temple with two or three more couples who were just married. They have to perform now. Flute laments that, had they been able to perform, they'd no doubt be rich men, earning them at least sixpence a day (a royal pension).

Then Bottom shows up. He tries to explain what's happened to him, but of course, he can't. How exactly do you tell your friends you were a donkey and a queen fell in love with you?