Obstetricians make babies. No, not the way God makes babies. No, not the way a man and a woman make babies. And no, not the way the stork makes babies.

Okay, try this: Women make babies, obstetricians deliver them. Obstetricians are doctors who see female patients, and female patients have a whole set of organs men don't have, like ovaries, fallopian tubes, and uterii (yes, that's the actual term*). Sure, men have a small part to play, but once the bun is in the oven, the heavy lifting is women's work.

*No it's not.

The second a lady learns she's pregnant, she assembles the troops and puts them all on speed dial. You're right after the father, her mother, her best friend, her sister wives, and her publicity agent.

You and her will be seeing a lot of each other for nine months. A lot. It'll look something like this: pregnancy test, initial prenatal visit, lab work, PAP test, ultrasound, genetic screening, a Quad screen test (no, this is not for Toddlers and Tiaras), a glucose challenge test (no, not a Sugar Babies-eating competition), hemoglobin check, pelvic exam (yup, Elvis the Pelvis is still in the building), a Group B Strep test, some more exams, and then a baby comes out.

From the first snap of the latex gloves to handing the little bundle of joy to the proud parents, you, as her obstetrician, will be right there every step of the way to make sure that everything comes out just right. By the way, despite being all about women, plenty of men are obstetricians. The desire to bring healthy new lives into the world knows no gender.

Babies have become very popular with non-traditional would-be families. Same sex couples want children, too, and they've been pretty creative in their quest. Do-it-yourselfers have used the "turkey baster" approach to artificial insemination, but the success rate is lousy. Bringing a child to life for a gay or lesbian couple (or any infertile couple) means you can join the "Born This Way" family sing-a-longs. Keep the kitchen utensils for the holidays.

On the other hand, there are some women who don't want to be or shouldn't be pregnant. Abortion is a dark side of your practice and terminating unwanted or medically unsafe pregnancies is a procedure you'll need to learn. Your decision to provide abortions or not is a big one.

Mostly, though, you'll be dealing with a lot of smiling, happy people. You'll be delivering a bundle of good news. There's a reason they're called expectant mothers and fathers—they can't wait for to be parents.

Before you serve up the good news, you've got to know your way around the female reproductive system. To do that, you're going to need school. Lots of it. Hopefully your parents hatched a golden egg when you were born. If not, say hello to your new life partner, student loans.

Working south of the border can be delicate business, so you'll need to be empathetic and trustworthy. You can't just barge in and start hitting stuff with a rubber hammer. You'll need a lot of lubricant, a sturdy set of stirrups, and a warm speculum first. You'll also need to give off a warm, friendly vibe that'll put your patient at ease within three seconds, tops. This is some sensitive stuff (no pun intended), and if a patient doesn't trust you, she's not going to stick around.

If you're thinking of becoming an obstetrician because of all the touchy-feely stuff, hang on. You'll get over it pretty fast. Believe it or not, after you've seen the same thing literally thousands of times, it sort of stops being exciting. Besides, you're a professional, and getting into this field for less-than-noble reasons is just plain creepy. And creepy obstetricians don't get patients.

Obstetricians are in charge of the care and kneading of breasts, vaginas, ovaries, fallopian tubes, vulvae, and all kinds of secretions and fluids. If you decide to really plunge in and go deeper (metaphorically speaking), you could end up in genetic research, fertility treatments, endocrinology, or gynecological oncology.

Keep in mind that only an obstetrician will ever experience the following, er, vagina dialogue:

You: Well, your labs came back and you have a growth.

Patient: Oh, doctor, I'm so happy!

Welcome to Mamapalooza.

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