Okay, so first off, it's “speech-language pathologist,” thank you very much. You prefer facts and clinical terms in all situations, whether they involve tied tongues, frogs in throats, or putting a sock in it. Now that we think of it, English is a pretty weird language...

Speech-language pathologists (or SLPs, for those in the know) are all about enabling communication. They spend most of their time diagnosing speech or swallowing conditions and trying to find remedies for them. For the detective work part of this equation, they administer diagnostic tests, including a few which seem pretty bizarre to onlookers. (Do you blink when I stick my hand in your face?) Fortunately, instead of grading their patients, SLPs use the results to figure out what the problem is, and work out strategies to fix it. Common conundrums might include a child with autism who doesn’t speak, a grandma recuperating after tongue surgery, or a car crash victim with a head injury who is scrambling his words. Once the SLP pinpoints the issue or issues to blame, it's time to work out a plan of treatment.

During the first speech therapy session, the speech-language pathologist gathers important information from the patient or caretaker, to create a “case history.” Sure, it sounds like some serious Sherlock Holmes stuff, but it’s more like a series of simple questions about topics like whether the patient has ever received therapy, any history of illness, or the size of a child’s vocabulary. Depending on the answers, the SLP might recommend further testing, and possibly an MRI or other medical procedure. When all of the clues have been gathered, the trusty SLP writes a report, which is usually submitted to an insurance agency for approval. If the patient’s claim is accepted (i.e., if the company agrees that treatment is required and offers to help pay the cost) the sessions will move forward. If the claim is rejected, the SLP can sometimes suggest alternate payment options, like treatment through schools, loans, etc.

After everybody gets the green light, the fun begins. Using their vast knowledge of educational and behavioral techniques, SLPs design a series of activities tailored to patient needs. Do tongue muscles need strengthening? Here’s a tiny cross-training machine. (Just kidding, but that sounds cooler than “let’s do this exercise.”) For a patient who is having trouble swallowing, the SLP might suggest a change in diet, paired with muscle-isolating techniques like head-turning and chin tucks. Or, for a child who clams up at school, the SLP could work on confidence- building and relaxation techniques. With patience, practice, and perseverance (and maybe even more words beginning with “p”) the speech-language pathologist can help clients achieve their goals.

By now, you are chomping at the bit to enroll in “speech-language pathologist school” and cram your brain with arcane linguistic know-how. But there’s more to it than learning the facts of how people communicate. You must be able to, well, communicate with people! Use your auditory canals to listen to your patients, and enlist your tongue, hard and soft palates, and alveolar ridge to shape comforting words. You may not wear a lab coat, but you still need to have a "bedside manner," including sympathy for your clients and a non-intimidating way of explaining conditions and their treatments.

Let’s test your instincts. Which of these sounds the most appealing?

a) "Madam, your tintinnitus is escalating to the point that auditory amplification may be necessary."
b) "Mrs. Johnson, it seems like the ringing in your ears is getting worse. I think a hearing aid may help."

We trust that you made the right choice? Remember this lesson, grasshopper: a little loving kindness keeps everybody calm, and off of www.whatonearthiswrongwithme.com.

If you become a speech-language pathologist, you might spend much of your time in school. Not necessarily as a student (although you’d be right at home there after all those impressive degrees) but as a consultant to children and teenagers with emerging speech and language issues. Over 50% of speech-language pathologists are employed in educational institutions, public or otherwise. The next big chunk of SLPs can be found in offices, where they have their own private practice, or work for someone who does. Still others are to be found in hospitals or senior care facilities, caring for seniors with stroke symptoms, patients recovering from traumatic brain injuries and more. The U.S. military also employs SLPs to assist hospitalized soldiers with brain trauma, and to support the families of injured veterans.

Speech therapy is usually a full time 9-5 position, but sometimes there are part-time options, or you might travel to several locations as a contract employee. Or, if you're not into the whole commute thing, you can visit patients from your easy chair. Yes, dear reader, the miracle of modern technology now carries speech therapy through wires and lines of code to those who need it the most. This opens up new worlds of convenience for schools and patients, not to mention the busy speech-language pathologist who gets to telecommute. (Just be sure to angle the camera so no one can see your ducky print pajamas.)

Speech pathology has always been on the cutting edge of scientific advancement. Back in the 1860s, when practitioners went by the very strict name of "speech correctionists," (no language shenanigans here!) Alexander Melville Bell, introduced "Visible Speech," a code system for shaping the mouth and lips to create syllable sounds. If you think Melville Bell’s name looks familiar, you’re right--good ol’ Melvy was Alexander Graham Bell’s father. Looks like inventing things runs in the family! Graham Bell went on to create a school where he used his dad’s system to help deaf students vocalize without all that pesky sign language stuff. He thought this was a pretty great idea, but some hearing-impaired folks did not agree, and the debate still rages on today.

In the twentieth century, professional associations began to pop up like mushrooms after a rainstorm. Our personal favorite is International Association of Logopedics and Phoniatrics, just because it’s fun to say. However, the one which left the greatest mark on modern speech-language-therapy was the American Academy of Speech Correction. “Born” in 1925, the AASC was the great-grand-daddy of today's American Speech-Language Hearing Association (ASHA.) Professional education was a big deal for speech correctionists, especially at a time when individuals with speech or swallowing disorders were written off as being “backward,” or “morons,” (Real sensitive, old-timey America…) ASHA’s forefathers began to classify different disorders and examine the psychological effects of speech impediments, which can really cramp a person's social life. Thus began the speech-language pathology we all know and love.

Speech-language pathology has lots of close relatives in the health industry. Speech language pathology and audiology are closely intertwined--you might say the two fields go together like megaphones and ear trumpets. Other professional cousins are occupational therapy, physical therapy, and psychology, all of which offer rehabilitation to folks who need extra assistance. But to those who hear the call (and then tell the call to take a deep breath, slow down, and focus on tongue positioning), speech language pathology is the way to go.

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