At a post-game press conference during the 2015 NCAA March Madness basketball tournament, Wisconsin forward Nigel Hayes took to the microphone to speak his mind. And he said "Cattywampus. Onomatopoeia. And antidisestablishmentarianism."

Um...what? Was the poor man possessed and speaking in tongues, or had he suffered a mild head injury on the court? The young Badger then explained his motive.

"Well, that wonderful young lady over there, I think her job title is a stenographer, yes. Okay. And she does an amazing job of typing words. Sometimes, if the words are a little not in her dictionary, maybe if I said soliloquy right now, she may have to work a little bit harder to type that word." (Source)

That's right, nothing was wrong; turns out, Nigel was just messing with the poor woman typing in the corner. A poor woman who, it turns out, has a pretty sick job. She listens to what basketball players say, writes it down, makes $53,000 a year, and that's it.

You might think the word stenography sounds like something you go to a doctor to have done, and it totally isn't. "Hey doc, can you run a stenography on me?" will surely be met with a hearty laugh from anyone who hears it. A stenographer is a person who transcribes (a.k.a. writes down) spoken words, typically using a specialized typewriter-wannabe called a stenotype machine.

Make no mistake, our wonderful stenographer didn't just walk in to the arena and shout, "I want to write what you say!" That likely wouldn't have worked in her favor. Instead, she earned the job through experience and training, just like NCAA players she was listening to. To get good, she had to practice—that should be a big hashtag-no-brainer right there.

Only understood by those who already know. It's the hipster of keyboards. (Source)

People who get into stenography typically follow a straight path into the biz. They'll get a certification of some sort, usually an associate's degree, which tells prospective employers, "I can write." They practice and practice and practice their steno, which is what stenographers call typing. 

Lots of pre-stenographers then work under someone else to start with, after which they get their own positions in courtrooms and offices. Better jobs come by building your reputation: If you can perfect the art of recording other peoples' mouth noises, you can go very far in the field.

Those who "do steno" are often goal-oriented, highly organized, and do well in English class. They've got exceptional hand-eye coordination, and they're good at listening. Actually, they're very good at listening. That's important because the writing part is only half the battle. You can be the best typist in the world, but if you tend to fade in and out of consciousness, you might not be the best fit.

Just as important as the abilities of the stenographer herself is the tool of her trade: her stenotype machine. It's a funky little machine with twenty-two buttons that don't include I or M. Buttons can be pressed at the same time, known as chording (ooh, fancy), allowing the stenographer to create phonetic spellings of both words and non-words. 

It's complicated, but so is typing on a regular computer keyboard, and you seem to be doing alright there. If you'd like to try it out yourself, there are stenography simulators available online.

By the way, that woman Mr. Hayes was talking about? She got every word he said right. Soliloquy was totally in her dictionary. Stenographer: 1, Nigel Hayes: 0

Pwned. (Source)

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