Since we know how much you like being told stuff you’re not allowed to do, we made you a list that you can print out and keep with you, maybe put it under your pillow at night!

1. Do not smoke when you have a minor in the car with you. If you are a minor, then don’t smoke at all. In fact, don’t smoke at all no matter how old you are. It’s gross and disgusting, and it makes you smell like a soybean refinery, and you look like an idiot, and we have absolutely no respect for you as a human being. Mind you, this is us being nice.
2. No dumping or abandoning animals on a highway. You could be fined and maybe receive jail time. And a smack upside the head from Sarah McLachlan.
3. Don’t pack your car so tightly with junk that your line of vision is obscured in any direction. What are you doing with 48 cases of Twinkies anyway?
4. Don’t drive with items that are not securely fastened to your vehicle. For example, don’t put your little sister on the bike rack without first firmly attaching her there with plenty of bungee cord.
5. If driving a passenger vehicle, you shouldn’t have stuff hanging out all over the place. If you have anything extending out past the fenders on the left side or more than six inches past the fenders on the right, you could be pulled over and cited. And if you have anything extending more than four feet from the back you must have a red or fluorescent orange flag so other drivers will know to keep their distance, or red lamps attached to those areas if you are driving at night. If any other driver pulls your flag, you are “tackled” and must return immediately to the bench.
6. Allow your passengers to ride only in the seats. This rules out the roof, the hood, the trunk, and the driver’s lap or shoulders. This is strictly forbidden, even if they like to ride very high up so they have a good view of everything.
7. Don’t let anyone ride inside your trunk unless their hands and feet have been securely bound and you have been expressly ordered by the godfather to dump them in a volcano. Even then it’s a bad idea; it’s really easy to fall in yourself.* (*Things I learned from The Lord of the Rings /study-guides/fellowship-of-ring/)
8. You may not load anyone into the back of a pickup truck unless they are seated on the floor of the truck bed and the tailgate is closed. Or if you’re in a parade, in which case they had better be throwing candy.
9. Same goes for animals—no loading them in the back of a pickup unless they are secured there. And no bolting their paws to the truck bed; that isn’t nice.
10. • Do not tow anyone riding roller skates or roller blades, skis, a skateboard, or any other type of nonsense. Who do you think you are, the Flying Corlekians? (You haven’t heard of them because they all died young while being towed around town on their bicycles.)
11. No littering. You can be severely fined, AND it is mean to the Earth. Unless you’ve been caught in a mudslide or hurricane lately, the Earth has been nothing but good to you.
12. If your vehicle features a video monitor, you as the driver may only view it if it contains information specifically related to the vehicle itself or global positioning information. There is a time and place to watch your DVD of When in Rome. Actually, wait, no there isn’t. Those Veronica Mars episodes, on the other hand…
13. Don’t honk your horn unless you are attempting to avoid a collision. It’s tough to resist, since it plays such sweet, sweet music, but don’t do it.
14. You should not be throwing anything out your window in the first place, but certainly don’t throw out anything that is lit or on fire, including cigarettes, cigars, kerosene lamps, flamethrowers, or suspected witches.
15. No shooting firearms on a highway or at traffic signs. You may be peeved that it is still 147 miles to the border, but murdering the mile marker in cold blood won’t get you there any faster.
16. Be careful with objects that you hang from your mirror or paste up on the windows. There are certain areas of your windows where stickers and such are permitted, but take our advice and don’t even go there. They look tacky and are completely unnecessary. And they don’t do the best things for your car’s resale value.
17. Don’t drive with illegally tinted windows. We doubt you have all that many run-ins with the paparazzi or some weird allergy to light like Bono. Seriously, what’s his deal?
18. If you come upon a funeral procession, take a load off and wait for them to go by. They have the right-of-way on so many levels. Be a safe driver, and hopefully no one will be throwing one of these for you any time soon.
19. When driving on a narrow mountain road, you must keep as far right as reasonably possible to reduce the risk of colliding with oncoming traffic. If you can’t see 200 feet in front of you, go ahead and honk your horn to let others know you’re there. A couple of hungry mountain lions should be right over.