Not everyone was as fortunate as you were to be born with the gift of sight. Let’s not go making the lives of the vision-impaired even more difficult by sideswiping them with your Buick. They won’t even be able to see that it’s a Buick to make fun of you while being loaded into the ambulance.

Any time you see someone using a guide dog and/or white cane, that person is either blind or a vaudeville veterinarian. Go with “blind” unless you have information to the contrary. These individuals have the right-of-way at all times.

Abide by the following set of rules when driving near someone who is blind:

1. Don’t stop more than five feet from a crosswalk. The only way for a blind pedestrian to know you are there is to hear the sound of your engine. This is where it really helps to have an incorrectly tensioned camshaft drive belt.
2. If you see a blind pedestrian waiting at a crosswalk, always stop. You should always stop at crosswalks for pedestrians anyway, but it is even more important in this instance, for obvious reasons.
3. Don’t stop in the middle of a crosswalk. There’s no reason for you to create an obstacle course for the poor blind pedestrian. He or she is not a contestant on Wipeout.
4. You may proceed once the pedestrian has pulled in his cane and begins to move away from the street. Be sure to ask him as he leaves how he enjoys his job as an NFL referee. Think about it for a second; you’ll get there.
5. Don’t make a right turn at any time without looking first. This will not only alert you to the presence of a blind pedestrian, but also to the presence of seeing pedestrians, bicycles, migrating herds of wildebeest, etc. Your green light very often comes at the same time as a “Walk” signal for pedestrians, so let them cross first before you go barreling through.
6. No honking at blind people. Aside from that being in pretty bad taste, blind pedestrians have no way of knowing why you are honking or who you are honking at, and they may be very startled. Remember: all of their other senses are probably heightened like Daredevil, so it’s the equivalent of someone using a pneumatic riveter three inches from your head. And I’m sure you recall how much you hated it the last time that happened.
7. Don’t block sidewalks; a blind pedestrian will not expect you to be there. Unless they’re psychic. But then you really wouldn’t have to worry about any of the above.

It’s also good to note that these rules apply to all mobility-impaired persons, not just the blind. We just make a special point of focusing on the blind because, ya know, THEY CAN’T SEE CARS COMING IN ORDER TO JUMP OUT OF THE WAY. Please remember that the next time you’re annoyed that it’s taking you an extra 30 seconds to get to that Josh Ritter concert because a vision-impaired pedestrian is crossing the road.