If you’re seven years old or younger, first of all, bravo on taking the initiative to get online and look up this guide; you’re ahead of the curve. Second, you must make sure that you are fastened into a child passenger restraint system and traveling in the back seat of any vehicle you enter. This should not involve a ball of twine and a roll of duct tape. Make sure your restraint system is federally approved. It should have straps and buckles and whatnot.

There are only a few exceptions as concerns the riding-in-the-back rule. You may ride up front (like a big boy) under any of the following conditions:

1) There is no back seat, or there are only side-facing or rear-facing seats. If this is the case, pull your parents aside at some point and try talking them into purchasing a normal car. They don’t always have to be so “different.”

2) The restraint system into which your parents are attempting to fit you cannot for some reason be installed in the back seat. Once again, this is probably a result of your parents having purchased some newfangled, “artsy” restraint system in order to impress the Monaghans. Your parents really are always making it about them.

3) Children under the age of eight already occupy all of the back seats. Where the heck are you going, a Chinese labor camp?

4) You have a medical reason for riding in the front seat. You’ll need a note from your doctor, and it had better not be written in crayon.

5) All of your toys are kept in the glove compartment. How are you going to recreate the International Space Station if you can’t reach the Legos? *NOTE: this is not a legitimate exception, no matter how cool you think Legos are. **SECOND NOTE: we are WELL AWARE of how cool Legos are. Also note that air bags, when deployed, can be injurious to very young children. For this reason, lil’uns shouldn’t ride in the front seat of an airbag-equipped vehicle. They should also not be packed into the front seat with Styrofoam peanuts.

Also note that air bags, when deployed, can be injurious to very young children. For this reason, lil’uns shouldn’t ride in the front seat of an airbag-equipped vehicle. They should also not be packed into the front seat with Styrofoam peanuts.