First of all, it’s spelled B-O-L-O-G-N-A. Second, if you have racked up too many negligent driver points, your license will either be suspended or revoked by the DMV. You can apply for a new license at the end of this period, and hopefully you’ve changed your ways by then. Oh, sure, it starts with a few minor traffic violations here and there, but before you know it you’ll be committing grand larceny, bank fraud, and/or treason. We just don’t want to start seeing your name in the paper. Unless it’s for inventing some useful electronic gadget, or winning a peace prize. That would be pretty cool.

Each time you have a mark on your record, it stays there for 12 months (or longer, if you did something really shady or keep accumulating points). Your license can be suspended for five days per point if you accrue 11 or more points. If you can put up 30 points in 42 minutes, you’ll probably make tonight’s highlight reel on ESPN.

Like a Vandal in the Wind

If you absolutely must destroy something, either break a pencil or beat up on your pillow. It’s far too costly to be caught doing anything worse, such as spray-painting graffiti onto the side of a bridge or keying your ex-boyfriend’s Mustang. If already licensed, you can lose your license for a couple years; if you’re not there yet, you can have the issuance of your license delayed for several years. And you’re going to need your license, because it sounds like you’ll have to be doing a lot of running from the authorities.

Here are a few examples of what can get you points on your driving record:

2-pointers

• Failure to obey signal indicating approaching train
• Driving too fast for conditions
• Speeding 6-10mph over the posted speed limit
• Failure to yield to a pedestrian in a crosswalk

3-pointers

• Failure to stop at a red light
• Improper passing
• Following too closely
• Improper/illegal U-turn
• Speeding 11-15mph over the posted speed limit
• Speeding in a school zone
• Careless driving
• Any shot made from beyond the 3-point arc

4-pointers

• Improper passing on a hill
• Failure to stop at a railroad crossing
• Failure to comply with crossing gate or barrier
• Speeding 16-25mph over the posted speed limit
• Leaving the scene of an accident (property damage only)
• Rear-ending someone important, like Hines Ward

5-pointers

• Speeding 26mph or more over the posted speed limit
• Failure to stop for a school bus with flashing red lights