An accident is something that happens without anyone being at fault—something that could not have been avoided. It may also be a word your mother has used to describe you, but that is a conversation for a different handbook. This is not true of most collisions. If you are continually alert and careful, and other drivers are as well, there should almost never be any cause for a collision.

Causes of Collisions

The most common causes of a collision are:

1. Unsafe speed. “Warp Speed” would fall into this category, as would “Ludicrous Speed.”

2. Driving on the wrong side of the road. It’s been three months since your trip to England. You should have adjusted by now.

3. Making a wrong or illegal turn. There are plenty of places to turn up ahead, so don’t press your luck by trying some sneaky little maneuver just to save yourself a few seconds. Tiffany really won’t be that impressed.

4. Violating signals, signs, or right-of-way rules. If you have read this entire handbook, understand the rules, and intend to abide by them, you should not have a problem. If, however, you plan to act in direct opposition to the guidelines set forth here, then go screw. We worked really hard on this.

5. Driver distractions. Perhaps this was not the best time to start assembling that ship in a bottle.

What to Do If You Are in a Collision

Say you’re sorry. Works like a charm if you are guilty and like paying bills.

Other than that:

1. Stop your vehicle. If you keep trucking along after a collision as if nothing happened, that’s a “hit and run,” and you can be in deep, deep trouble. We’re talking more than two weeks without television. Someone could be hurt, so hop out as soon as it’s safe, and approach the driver of the other vehicle.

2. If someone is hurt, call 911. Unless you’re certified, don’t perform mouth-to-mouth. Even if they’re hot. Well, maybe if they’re really hot… No! No, not even if they’re really hot. Control yourself; weren’t you just in a collision?

3. As long as everybody’s okay, move your vehicle out of the lane so that traffic can proceed around the site of the collision. Your day may be shot to hell, but for everyone else life goes on.

4. You will need to present your personal information to the driver of the other vehicle, as well as to anyone else involved and to any officers who arrive on the scene. This includes your driver license, registration, evidence of financial responsibility, current address, and Yogurtville Frequent Yogurt-Eater card.

5. If you hit a parked car or destroyed any personal property in the course of the collision, and the owner of said property is not present, leave a note with your name, phone number, and address. Hey, they may be so impressed by your honesty and accountability that they’ll offer you a reward! (You just tell yourself that.) Also, be sure to report the collision to the police or Virginia Highway Patrol.

6. If someone is killed or injured as a result of the collision, you or your representative (we’re looking for an insurance agent or something of the like here, not your best friend Eddie) must notify the police immediately.

7. You must also submit a written report to the DMV under certain circumstances (see below).

8. If an animal is killed, call a humane society, the police, or the Virginia Highway Patrol. Don’t move the animal yourself or leave it to die. And if it’s a kitten, exile yourself to a remote island and don’t ever re-enter the world of man, because kittens are adorable, and you will never be forgiven.

9. Appear in court. Not always, but sometimes. Obviously it depends on the cause of the collision and if a police officer filed a report or not. If lightning struck a telephone pole, which then crashed on your car while you were pulling out of your driveway, you probably won’t have to go to court. If you blew through a red light and smashed into the side of a school bus, though…

Reporting a Collision

You must report a collision to the DMV if one of the following applies:

1. There was at least $1,500 in property damage. You may have thought that a three-year-old could have painted that stupid composition of blue circles, but if the guy says it’s an original Kandinsky, you have to report it. Goodness knows what such a valuable work of art was doing by the side of the road, though.

Source

2. Someone was killed or injured. The only exception to this is if your car landed on the Wicked Witch of the East, in which case you will be paraded around on the shoulders of munchkins and treated like a god. Next stop: the Emerald City!

However, if the crash is investigated by a police officer, you will not have to submit a separate report to the DMV. The cops will take care of all that. As if they don’t already have enough paperwork to deal with…

The police will submit a Report of Traffic Accident form, or you can write “Report of Traffic Accident” on a sheet of paper and then provide an account of the collision below. They won’t accept that second one, though, so better get your hands on the official form.
You can have your driving privilege suspended if you fail to submit this report or if you were uninsured at the time of the crash. That doesn’t concern you, however, as you are more than sufficiently insured. Right? Right???

General Do-goodery

Let’s say you’re driving home from the mall, minding your own beeswax, when all of a sudden you witness a horrible accident on the road up ahead. Rather than curse the gods that you might now have to miss tonight’s episode of The Big Bang Theory, you decide to help out as much as you can. What should you do?
• Park your vehicle off the road and put on your flashers. Dur.
• If you have flares or reflectors, place them 200ft on either side of the crash scene to warn upcoming vehicles.
• Send someone to call the police if you have not already done so.
• If the drivers of the vehicles involved have not already done so or cannot on their own for some reason, turn off the ignition of the cars to prevent a fire.
• If there is a fire, try to put it out with a fire extinguisher, blanket, or dirt. And don’t smoke while you’re waiting for the cops, unless you’d like all the spilled gasoline around you to catch fire.
• If someone is pinned in his or her vehicle, try to release them, but DO NOT move the person if he or she is injured, as you may make the injuries worse. Make sure that the person’s head and spine are firmly supported, and wait for the ambulance to arrive.
• DO NOT go near any fallen electrical wires if any are present.
• If you are trained in first aid, you should help those who are injured. Otherwise, call an ambulance, attempt to stem any bleeding, and wait with the injured parties.

If you are not the first person on the scene and your assistance is not required, keep driving. Don’t slow down or stop, as this may cause a backup in traffic that could slow down emergency response vehicles.