All's Well That Ends Well: Act 2, Scene 3 Translation

A side-by-side translation of Act 2, Scene 3 of All's Well That Ends Well from the original Shakespeare into modern English.

Original Text	Translated Text
Source: Folger Shakespeare Library
Enter Count Bertram, Lafew, and Parolles. LAFEW They say miracles are past, and we have our philosophical persons to make modern and familiar things supernatural and causeless. Hence is it that we make trifles of terrors, ensconcing ourselves into seeming knowledge when we should 5 submit ourselves to an unknown fear. PAROLLES Why, ’tis the rarest argument of wonder that hath shot out in our latter times. BERTRAM And so ’tis. LAFEW To be relinquished of the artists— 10 PAROLLES So I say, both of Galen and Paracelsus. LAFEW Of all the learned and authentic fellows— PAROLLES Right, so I say. LAFEW That gave him out incurable— PAROLLES Why, there ’tis. So say I too. 15 LAFEW Not to be helped. PAROLLES Right, as ’twere a man assured of a— LAFEW Uncertain life and sure death. PAROLLES Just. You say well. So would I have said. LAFEW I may truly say it is a novelty to the world. 20 PAROLLES It is indeed. If you will have it in showing, you shall read it in what-do-you-call there. He points to a paper in Lafew’s hand. LAFEW reads A showing of a heavenly effect in an earthly actor. PAROLLES That’s it. I would have said the very same. 25 LAFEW Why, your dolphin is not lustier. ’Fore me, I speak in respect— PAROLLES Nay, ’tis strange, ’tis very strange; that is the brief and the tedious of it; and he’s of a most facinorous spirit that will not acknowledge it to be 30 the— LAFEW Very hand of heaven. PAROLLES Ay, so I say. LAFEW In a most weak— PAROLLES And debile minister. Great power, great 35 transcendence, which should indeed give us a further use to be made than alone the recov’ry of the King, as to be— LAFEW Generally thankful. Enter King, Helen, and Attendants. PAROLLES I would have said it. You say well. Here 40 comes the King. LAFEW Lustig, as the Dutchman says. I’ll like a maid the better whilst I have a tooth in my head. Why, he’s able to lead her a coranto. PAROLLES Mort du vinaigre! Is not this Helen? 45 LAFEW ’Fore God, I think so. KING Go, call before me all the lords in court. An Attendant exits. Sit, my preserver, by thy patient’s side, And with this healthful hand, whose banished sense Thou hast repealed, a second time receive 50 The confirmation of my promised gift, Which but attends thy naming. Enter three or four Court Lords. Fair maid, send forth thine eye. This youthful parcel Of noble bachelors stand at my bestowing, O’er whom both sovereign power and father’s voice 55 I have to use. Thy frank election make. Thou hast power to choose, and they none to forsake.	Back at the royal palace, Lafew and Parolles talk about the king's miraculous recovery. Ever since Helen cured the King, he's been downright frisky (if you know what we mean). Just then, Helen and the King come dancing into the room. Lafew and Parolles can't believe their eyes. The King is thrilled that he's been cured (and that he doesn't have to be carried around on a chair anymore). He invites Helen to sit beside him and says she now gets to choose any husband she wants. The King orders all the hottest and richest bachelors in Paris to line up in a row and tells Helen to go ahead and take her pick. She's earned it.
HELEN To each of you one fair and virtuous mistress Fall when Love please! Marry, to each but one. LAFEW, aside I’d give bay Curtal and his furniture 60 My mouth no more were broken than these boys’ And writ as little beard. KING Peruse them well. Not one of those but had a noble father. HELEN Gentlemen, 65 Heaven hath through me restored the King to health. ALL We understand it and thank heaven for you. HELEN I am a simple maid, and therein wealthiest That I protest I simply am a maid.— Please it your Majesty, I have done already. 70 The blushes in my cheeks thus whisper me: “We blush that thou shouldst choose; but, be refused, Let the white death sit on thy cheek forever; We’ll ne’er come there again.” 75 KING Make choice and see. Who shuns thy love shuns all his love in me. HELEN Now, Dian, from thy altar do I fly, And to imperial Love, that god most high, Do my sighs stream. She addresses her to a Lord. 80 Sir, will you hear my suit? FIRST COURT LORD And grant it. HELEN Thanks, sir. All the rest is mute. LAFEW, aside I had rather be in this choice than 85 throw ambs-ace for my life. HELEN, to another Lord The honor, sir, that flames in your fair eyes Before I speak too threat’ningly replies. Love make your fortunes twenty times above Her that so wishes, and her humble love. 90 SECOND COURT LORD No better, if you please. HELEN My wish receive, Which great Love grant, and so I take my leave. LAFEW, aside Do all they deny her? An they were sons of mine, I’d have them whipped, or I would send 95 them to th’ Turk to make eunuchs of. HELEN, to another Lord Be not afraid that I your hand should take. I’ll never do you wrong, for your own sake. Blessing upon your vows, and in your bed Find fairer fortune if you ever wed. 100 LAFEW, aside These boys are boys of ice; they’ll none have her. Sure they are bastards to the English; the French ne’er got ’em. HELEN, to another Lord You are too young, too happy, and too good To make yourself a son out of my blood. 105 FOURTH COURT LORD Fair one, I think not so. LAFEW, aside There’s one grape yet. I am sure thy father drunk wine. But if thou be’st not an ass, I am a youth of fourteen; I have known thee already. HELEN, to Bertram I dare not say I take you, but I give 110 Me and my service ever whilst I live Into your guiding power.—This is the man. KING Why then, young Bertram, take her. She’s thy wife.	At this point, Helen takes us through the Shakespearean version of The Bachelorette. She starts by telling the King she's pretty much already made her choice, but then she goes down the line of potential husbands and rejects them one by one anyway. Lafew is totally annoyed with how inept all these guys are. He says they must be English. They can't possibly be Frenchmen. He also says if they were his sons, he'd whip them. Or have them turned into eunuchs. Finally, Helen gets to her crush, Bertram, who she chooses. The king is thrilled, and he announces that Bertram and Helen will be married ASAP.
BERTRAM My wife, my liege? I shall beseech your Highness In such a business give me leave to use 115 The help of mine own eyes. KING Know’st thou not, Bertram, What she has done for me? BERTRAM Yes, my good lord, 120 But never hope to know why I should marry her. KING Thou know’st she has raised me from my sickly bed. BERTRAM But follows it, my lord, to bring me down Must answer for your raising? I know her well; She had her breeding at my father’s charge. 125 A poor physician’s daughter my wife? Disdain Rather corrupt me ever! KING ’Tis only title thou disdain’st in her, the which I can build up. Strange is it that our bloods, Of color, weight, and heat, poured all together, 130 Would quite confound distinction, yet stands off In differences so mighty. If she be All that is virtuous, save what thou dislik’st— “A poor physician’s daughter”—thou dislik’st Of virtue for the name. But do not so. 135 From lowest place whence virtuous things proceed, The place is dignified by th’ doer’s deed. Where great additions swell ’s, and virtue none, It is a dropsied honor. Good alone Is good, without a name; vileness is so; 140 The property by what it is should go, Not by the title. She is young, wise, fair; In these to nature she’s immediate heir, And these breed honor. That is honor’s scorn Which challenges itself as honor’s born 145 And is not like the sire. Honors thrive When rather from our acts we them derive Than our foregoers. The mere word’s a slave Debauched on every tomb, on every grave A lying trophy, and as oft is dumb 150 Where dust and damned oblivion is the tomb Of honored bones indeed. What should be said? If thou canst like this creature as a maid, I can create the rest. Virtue and she Is her own dower, honor and wealth from me. 155 BERTRAM I cannot love her, nor will strive to do ’t. KING Thou wrong’st thyself if thou shouldst strive to choose. HELEN That you are well restored, my lord, I’m glad. Let the rest go. 160 KING My honor’s at the stake, which to defeat I must produce my power.—Here, take her hand, Proud, scornful boy, unworthy this good gift, That dost in vile misprision shackle up My love and her desert; that canst not dream 165 We, poising us in her defective scale, Shall weigh thee to the beam; that wilt not know It is in us to plant thine honor where We please to have it grow. Check thy contempt; Obey our will, which travails in thy good. 170 Believe not thy disdain, but presently Do thine own fortunes that obedient right Which both thy duty owes and our power claims, Or I will throw thee from my care forever Into the staggers and the careless lapse 175 Of youth and ignorance, both my revenge and hate Loosing upon thee in the name of justice Without all terms of pity. Speak. Thine answer. BERTRAM Pardon, my gracious lord, for I submit My fancy to your eyes. When I consider 180 What great creation and what dole of honor Flies where you bid it, I find that she which late Was in my nobler thoughts most base is now The praisèd of the King, who, so ennobled, Is as ’twere born so. 185 KING Take her by the hand, And tell her she is thine, to whom I promise A counterpoise, if not to thy estate, A balance more replete. BERTRAM I take her hand. 190	Before Helen can call a wedding planner and pick out a big triple-layered wedding cake, though, Bertram speaks up. Why should he have to marry Helen just because she cured the king's nasty fistula? (Hmm. He's got a point there, Shmoopers.) Then Bertram throws a tantrum and insists that Helen's not good enough for him. If he marries her, she'll bring him down. (Okay. Bertram just lost our sympathy vote.) The king orders him to pipe down, or else. Bertram insists that Helen is nothing but a lowly physician's daughter. (In Shakespeare's day, doctors weren't part of the social elite. Bertram is a count, an aristocratic nobleman, and he doesn't want to marry outside his social class.) The king is losing his patience fast. He lectures Bertram about being a snob and promises to make Helen a higher social rank so that Bertram doesn't feel like he's marrying beneath him. To sweeten the pot, the king also promises to give Helen a bunch of money so that she'll be rich. Then he points out that Helen has everything going for her: she's young, crazy smart, and smokin' hot. What else could Bertram ask for? When Bertram declares that he can't and won't love her, Helen says something like, "That's okay, I'm just glad the king is feeling better." But it's not okay with the King. His honor is at stake here. He made a promise and he's going to deliver. At this point, the king loses his cool and basically orders Bertram to marry Helen. Bertram gets on his knees and begs the king's forgiveness. Then he stands up and takes Helen's hand, agreeing to make her his bride.
KING Good fortune and the favor of the King Smile upon this contract, whose ceremony Shall seem expedient on the now-born brief And be performed tonight. The solemn feast Shall more attend upon the coming space, 195 Expecting absent friends. As thou lov’st her Thy love’s to me religious; else, does err. They exit. Parolles and Lafew stay behind, commenting of this wedding. LAFEW Do you hear, monsieur? A word with you. PAROLLES Your pleasure, sir. LAFEW Your lord and master did well to make his 200 recantation. PAROLLES “Recantation”? My “lord”? My “master”? LAFEW Ay. Is it not a language I speak? PAROLLES A most harsh one, and not to be understood without bloody succeeding. My “master”? 205 LAFEW Are you companion to the Count Rossillion? PAROLLES To any count, to all counts, to what is man. LAFEW To what is count’s man. Count’s master is of another style. PAROLLES You are too old, sir; let it satisfy you, you are 210 too old. LAFEW I must tell thee, sirrah, I write man, to which title age cannot bring thee. PAROLLES What I dare too well do, I dare not do. LAFEW I did think thee, for two ordinaries, to be a 215 pretty wise fellow; thou didst make tolerable vent of thy travel; it might pass. Yet the scarves and the bannerets about thee did manifoldly dissuade me from believing thee a vessel of too great a burden. I have now found thee. When I lose thee again, I 220 care not. Yet art thou good for nothing but taking up, and that thou ’rt scarce worth. PAROLLES Hadst thou not the privilege of antiquity upon thee— LAFEW Do not plunge thyself too far in anger lest thou 225 hasten thy trial, which if—Lord have mercy on thee for a hen! So, my good window of lattice, fare thee well; thy casement I need not open, for I look through thee. Give me thy hand. PAROLLES My lord, you give me most egregious 230 indignity. LAFEW Ay, with all my heart, and thou art worthy of it. PAROLLES I have not, my lord, deserved it. LAFEW Yes, good faith, ev’ry dram of it, and I will not bate thee a scruple. 235 PAROLLES Well, I shall be wiser. LAFEW Ev’n as soon as thou canst, for thou hast to pull at a smack o’ th’ contrary. If ever thou be’st bound in thy scarf and beaten, thou shalt find what it is to be proud of thy bondage. I have a 240 desire to hold my acquaintance with thee, or rather my knowledge, that I may say in the default “He is a man I know.” PAROLLES My lord, you do me most insupportable vexation. 245 LAFEW I would it were hell pains for thy sake, and my poor doing eternal; for doing I am past, as I will by thee in what motion age will give me leave. He exits.	The King is psyched and wants the wedding to happen right away. Like tonight. Everyone exits the stage except Lafew and Parolles. Lafew refers to Bertram as Parolles's master. Parolles gets all bent out of shape by this. At this, Lafew accuses Parolles of being a poser and a wannabe, acting like he's more noble than he really is. (Parolles seems to be a gentleman that serves Bertram but he refuses to acknowledge that there's any difference between Bertram's rank and his own social status.) Parolles then goes on the offensive. He basically says, "Watch it grandpa, you're way too old and senile to try to pick a fight with me." Lafew says that Parolles is not a man, and proceeds to tell him that he's nothing but a loud mouth jerk who's too afraid to put his money where his mouth is. (We think now's a good time to tell you that Parolles' name literally means "words." Maybe Lafew is onto something here.) Parolles repeats that Lafew is too old to fight, but we sort of get the idea that Parolles is afraid to go toe-to-toe with him.
PAROLLES Well, thou hast a son shall take this disgrace off me. Scurvy, old, filthy, scurvy lord! Well, I must 250 be patient; there is no fettering of authority. I’ll beat him, by my life, if I can meet him with any convenience, an he were double and double a lord. I’ll have no more pity of his age than I would have of—I’ll beat him, an if I could but meet him again. 255 Enter Lafew. LAFEW Sirrah, your lord and master’s married. There’s news for you: you have a new mistress. PAROLLES I most unfeignedly beseech your Lordship to make some reservation of your wrongs. He is my good lord; whom I serve above is my master. 260 LAFEW Who? God? PAROLLES Ay, sir. LAFEW The devil it is that’s thy master. Why dost thou garter up thy arms o’ this fashion? Dost make hose of thy sleeves? Do other servants so? Thou wert 265 best set thy lower part where thy nose stands. By mine honor, if I were but two hours younger, I’d beat thee. Methink’st thou art a general offense, and every man should beat thee. I think thou wast created for men to breathe themselves upon thee. 270 PAROLLES This is hard and undeserved measure, my lord. LAFEW Go to, sir. You were beaten in Italy for picking a kernel out of a pomegranate. You are a vagabond, and no true traveler. You are more saucy with 275 lords and honorable personages than the commission of your birth and virtue gives you heraldry. You are not worth another word; else I’d call you knave. I leave you. He exits.	Lafew leaves the room, and Parolles continues to talk trash until Lafew comes back and announces that Bertram and Helen have been married. That was quick. More trash talk ensues. Lafew informs Parolles that, if he were younger, he'd kick his sorry butt all over France. No way, says Parolles. At this, Lafew exits the stage.
PAROLLES Good, very good! It is so, then. Good, very 280 good. Let it be concealed awhile. Enter Bertram Count Rossillion. BERTRAM Undone, and forfeited to cares forever! PAROLLES What’s the matter, sweetheart? BERTRAM Although before the solemn priest I have sworn, I will not bed her. 285 PAROLLES What, what, sweetheart? BERTRAM O my Parolles, they have married me! I’ll to the Tuscan wars and never bed her. PAROLLES France is a dog-hole, and it no more merits the tread of a man’s foot. To th’ wars! 290 BERTRAM There’s letters from my mother. What th’ import is I know not yet. PAROLLES Ay, that would be known. To th’ wars, my boy, to th’ wars! He wears his honor in a box unseen 295 That hugs his kicky-wicky here at home, Spending his manly marrow in her arms Which should sustain the bound and high curvet Of Mars’s fiery steed. To other regions! France is a stable, we that dwell in ’t jades. 300 Therefore, to th’ war! BERTRAM It shall be so. I’ll send her to my house, Acquaint my mother with my hate to her And wherefore I am fled, write to the King That which I durst not speak. His present gift 305 Shall furnish me to those Italian fields Where noble fellows strike. Wars is no strife To the dark house and the detested wife. PAROLLES Will this capriccio hold in thee? Art sure? BERTRAM Go with me to my chamber, and advise me. 310 I’ll send her straight away. Tomorrow I’ll to the wars, she to her single sorrow. PAROLLES Why, these balls bound; there’s noise in it. ’Tis hard. A young man married is a man that’s marred. Therefore away, and leave her bravely. Go. 315 The King has done you wrong, but hush, ’tis so. They exit.	Bertram shows up and immediately begins to act like a drama queen, boo-hooing that he's been forced to marry Helen. He declares he'll never, ever sleep with his new wife. Instead, he's going to run off to fight the war in Italy. Parolles eggs him on and says that staying home and having sex with your "kicky wicky" (wife) is for sissies – real men go off to war. (Hmm. Is it just us, or is this guy channeling Hotspur from Henry IV Part 1?) Bertram decides he's going to trick Helen into going back home to live with his mom, the countess of Roussillon. Then he'll run away to Italy and write the king a letter explaining everything.

Original Text

Translated Text

Enter Count Bertram, Lafew, and Parolles.

LAFEW They say miracles are past, and we have our
philosophical persons to make modern and familiar
things supernatural and causeless. Hence is it
that we make trifles of terrors, ensconcing ourselves
into seeming knowledge when we should 5
submit ourselves to an unknown fear.

PAROLLES Why, ’tis the rarest argument of wonder that
hath shot out in our latter times.

BERTRAM And so ’tis.

LAFEW To be relinquished of the artists— 10

PAROLLES So I say, both of Galen and Paracelsus.

LAFEW Of all the learned and authentic fellows—

PAROLLES Right, so I say.

LAFEW That gave him out incurable—

PAROLLES Why, there ’tis. So say I too. 15

LAFEW Not to be helped.

PAROLLES Right, as ’twere a man assured of a—

LAFEW Uncertain life and sure death.

PAROLLES Just. You say well. So would I have said.

LAFEW I may truly say it is a novelty to the world. 20

PAROLLES It is indeed. If you will have it in showing,
you shall read it in what-do-you-call there.

He points to a paper in Lafew’s hand.

LAFEW reads A showing of a heavenly effect in an earthly
actor.

PAROLLES That’s it. I would have said the very same. 25

LAFEW Why, your dolphin is not lustier. ’Fore me, I
speak in respect—

PAROLLES Nay, ’tis strange, ’tis very strange; that is the
brief and the tedious of it; and he’s of a most facinorous
spirit that will not acknowledge it to be 30
the—

LAFEW Very hand of heaven.

PAROLLES Ay, so I say.

LAFEW In a most weak—

PAROLLES And debile minister. Great power, great 35
transcendence, which should indeed give us a further
use to be made than alone the recov’ry of the
King, as to be—

LAFEW Generally thankful.

Enter King, Helen, and Attendants.

PAROLLES I would have said it. You say well. Here 40
comes the King.

LAFEW Lustig, as the Dutchman says. I’ll like a maid
the better whilst I have a tooth in my head. Why,
he’s able to lead her a coranto.

PAROLLES Mort du vinaigre! Is not this Helen? 45

LAFEW ’Fore God, I think so.

KING
Go, call before me all the lords in court.

An Attendant exits.

Sit, my preserver, by thy patient’s side,
And with this healthful hand, whose banished sense
Thou hast repealed, a second time receive 50
The confirmation of my promised gift,
Which but attends thy naming.

Enter three or four Court Lords.

Fair maid, send forth thine eye. This youthful parcel
Of noble bachelors stand at my bestowing,
O’er whom both sovereign power and father’s voice 55
I have to use. Thy frank election make.
Thou hast power to choose, and they none to forsake.

Back at the royal palace, Lafew and Parolles talk about the king's miraculous recovery. Ever since Helen cured the King, he's been downright frisky (if you know what we mean).

Just then, Helen and the King come dancing into the room. Lafew and Parolles can't believe their eyes.

The King is thrilled that he's been cured (and that he doesn't have to be carried around on a chair anymore).

He invites Helen to sit beside him and says she now gets to choose any husband she wants.

The King orders all the hottest and richest bachelors in Paris to line up in a row and tells Helen to go ahead and take her pick. She's earned it.

HELEN
To each of you one fair and virtuous mistress
Fall when Love please! Marry, to each but one.

LAFEW, aside
I’d give bay Curtal and his furniture 60
My mouth no more were broken than these boys’
And writ as little beard.

KING Peruse them well.
Not one of those but had a noble father.

HELEN Gentlemen, 65
Heaven hath through me restored the King to health.

ALL
We understand it and thank heaven for you.

HELEN
I am a simple maid, and therein wealthiest
That I protest I simply am a maid.—
Please it your Majesty, I have done already. 70
The blushes in my cheeks thus whisper me:
“We blush that thou shouldst choose; but, be
refused,
Let the white death sit on thy cheek forever;
We’ll ne’er come there again.” 75

KING Make choice and see.
Who shuns thy love shuns all his love in me.

HELEN
Now, Dian, from thy altar do I fly,
And to imperial Love, that god most high,
Do my sighs stream. She addresses her to a Lord. 80
Sir, will you hear my suit?

FIRST COURT LORD
And grant it.

HELEN Thanks, sir. All the
rest is mute.

LAFEW, aside I had rather be in this choice than 85
throw ambs-ace for my life.

HELEN, to another Lord
The honor, sir, that flames in your fair eyes
Before I speak too threat’ningly replies.
Love make your fortunes twenty times above
Her that so wishes, and her humble love. 90

SECOND COURT LORD
No better, if you please.

HELEN My wish receive,
Which great Love grant, and so I take my leave.

LAFEW, aside Do all they deny her? An they were sons
of mine, I’d have them whipped, or I would send 95
them to th’ Turk to make eunuchs of.

HELEN, to another Lord
Be not afraid that I your hand should take.
I’ll never do you wrong, for your own sake.
Blessing upon your vows, and in your bed
Find fairer fortune if you ever wed. 100

LAFEW, aside These boys are boys of ice; they’ll none
have her. Sure they are bastards to the English;
the French ne’er got ’em.

HELEN, to another Lord
You are too young, too happy, and too good
To make yourself a son out of my blood. 105

FOURTH COURT LORD Fair one, I think not so.

LAFEW, aside There’s one grape yet. I am sure thy
father drunk wine. But if thou be’st not an ass, I
am a youth of fourteen; I have known thee already.

HELEN, to Bertram
I dare not say I take you, but I give 110
Me and my service ever whilst I live
Into your guiding power.—This is the man.

KING
Why then, young Bertram, take her. She’s thy wife.

At this point, Helen takes us through the Shakespearean version of The Bachelorette. She starts by telling the King she's pretty much already made her choice, but then she goes down the line of potential husbands and rejects them one by one anyway.

Lafew is totally annoyed with how inept all these guys are. He says they must be English. They can't possibly be Frenchmen. He also says if they were his sons, he'd whip them. Or have them turned into eunuchs.

Finally, Helen gets to her crush, Bertram, who she chooses.

The king is thrilled, and he announces that Bertram and Helen will be married ASAP.

BERTRAM
My wife, my liege? I shall beseech your Highness
In such a business give me leave to use 115
The help of mine own eyes.

KING Know’st thou not,
Bertram,
What she has done for me?

BERTRAM Yes, my good lord, 120
But never hope to know why I should marry her.

KING
Thou know’st she has raised me from my sickly bed.

BERTRAM
But follows it, my lord, to bring me down
Must answer for your raising? I know her well;
She had her breeding at my father’s charge. 125
A poor physician’s daughter my wife? Disdain
Rather corrupt me ever!

KING
’Tis only title thou disdain’st in her, the which
I can build up. Strange is it that our bloods,
Of color, weight, and heat, poured all together, 130
Would quite confound distinction, yet stands off
In differences so mighty. If she be
All that is virtuous, save what thou dislik’st—
“A poor physician’s daughter”—thou dislik’st
Of virtue for the name. But do not so. 135
From lowest place whence virtuous things proceed,
The place is dignified by th’ doer’s deed.
Where great additions swell ’s, and virtue none,
It is a dropsied honor. Good alone
Is good, without a name; vileness is so; 140
The property by what it is should go,
Not by the title. She is young, wise, fair;
In these to nature she’s immediate heir,
And these breed honor. That is honor’s scorn
Which challenges itself as honor’s born 145
And is not like the sire. Honors thrive
When rather from our acts we them derive
Than our foregoers. The mere word’s a slave
Debauched on every tomb, on every grave
A lying trophy, and as oft is dumb 150
Where dust and damned oblivion is the tomb
Of honored bones indeed. What should be said?
If thou canst like this creature as a maid,
I can create the rest. Virtue and she
Is her own dower, honor and wealth from me. 155

BERTRAM
I cannot love her, nor will strive to do ’t.

KING
Thou wrong’st thyself if thou shouldst strive to
choose.

HELEN
That you are well restored, my lord, I’m glad.
Let the rest go. 160

KING
My honor’s at the stake, which to defeat
I must produce my power.—Here, take her hand,
Proud, scornful boy, unworthy this good gift,
That dost in vile misprision shackle up
My love and her desert; that canst not dream 165
We, poising us in her defective scale,
Shall weigh thee to the beam; that wilt not know
It is in us to plant thine honor where
We please to have it grow. Check thy contempt;
Obey our will, which travails in thy good. 170
Believe not thy disdain, but presently
Do thine own fortunes that obedient right
Which both thy duty owes and our power claims,
Or I will throw thee from my care forever
Into the staggers and the careless lapse 175
Of youth and ignorance, both my revenge and hate
Loosing upon thee in the name of justice
Without all terms of pity. Speak. Thine answer.

BERTRAM
Pardon, my gracious lord, for I submit
My fancy to your eyes. When I consider 180
What great creation and what dole of honor
Flies where you bid it, I find that she which late
Was in my nobler thoughts most base is now
The praisèd of the King, who, so ennobled,
Is as ’twere born so. 185

KING Take her by the hand,
And tell her she is thine, to whom I promise
A counterpoise, if not to thy estate,
A balance more replete.

BERTRAM I take her hand. 190

Before Helen can call a wedding planner and pick out a big triple-layered wedding cake, though, Bertram speaks up. Why should he have to marry Helen just because she cured the king's nasty fistula? (Hmm. He's got a point there, Shmoopers.)

Then Bertram throws a tantrum and insists that Helen's not good enough for him. If he marries her, she'll bring him down. (Okay. Bertram just lost our sympathy vote.)

The king orders him to pipe down, or else.

Bertram insists that Helen is nothing but a lowly physician's daughter.

(In Shakespeare's day, doctors weren't part of the social elite. Bertram is a count, an aristocratic nobleman, and he doesn't want to marry outside his social class.)

The king is losing his patience fast.

He lectures Bertram about being a snob and promises to make Helen a higher social rank so that Bertram doesn't feel like he's marrying beneath him. To sweeten the pot, the king also promises to give Helen a bunch of money so that she'll be rich.

Then he points out that Helen has everything going for her: she's young, crazy smart, and smokin' hot. What else could Bertram ask for?

When Bertram declares that he can't and won't love her, Helen says something like, "That's okay, I'm just glad the king is feeling better."

But it's not okay with the King. His honor is at stake here. He made a promise and he's going to deliver.

At this point, the king loses his cool and basically orders Bertram to marry Helen.

Bertram gets on his knees and begs the king's forgiveness. Then he stands up and takes Helen's hand, agreeing to make her his bride.

KING
Good fortune and the favor of the King
Smile upon this contract, whose ceremony
Shall seem expedient on the now-born brief
And be performed tonight. The solemn feast
Shall more attend upon the coming space, 195
Expecting absent friends. As thou lov’st her
Thy love’s to me religious; else, does err.

They exit. Parolles and Lafew stay behind,
commenting of this wedding.

LAFEW Do you hear, monsieur? A word with you.

PAROLLES Your pleasure, sir.

LAFEW Your lord and master did well to make his 200
recantation.

PAROLLES “Recantation”? My “lord”? My “master”?

LAFEW Ay. Is it not a language I speak?

PAROLLES A most harsh one, and not to be understood
without bloody succeeding. My “master”? 205

LAFEW Are you companion to the Count Rossillion?

PAROLLES To any count, to all counts, to what is man.

LAFEW To what is count’s man. Count’s master is of
another style.

PAROLLES You are too old, sir; let it satisfy you, you are 210
too old.

LAFEW I must tell thee, sirrah, I write man, to which
title age cannot bring thee.

PAROLLES What I dare too well do, I dare not do.

LAFEW I did think thee, for two ordinaries, to be a 215
pretty wise fellow; thou didst make tolerable vent
of thy travel; it might pass. Yet the scarves and the
bannerets about thee did manifoldly dissuade me
from believing thee a vessel of too great a burden.
I have now found thee. When I lose thee again, I 220
care not. Yet art thou good for nothing but taking
up, and that thou ’rt scarce worth.

PAROLLES Hadst thou not the privilege of antiquity
upon thee—

LAFEW Do not plunge thyself too far in anger lest thou 225
hasten thy trial, which if—Lord have mercy on
thee for a hen! So, my good window of lattice, fare
thee well; thy casement I need not open, for I look
through thee. Give me thy hand.

PAROLLES My lord, you give me most egregious 230
indignity.

LAFEW Ay, with all my heart, and thou art worthy of it.

PAROLLES I have not, my lord, deserved it.

LAFEW Yes, good faith, ev’ry dram of it, and I will not
bate thee a scruple. 235

PAROLLES Well, I shall be wiser.

LAFEW Ev’n as soon as thou canst, for thou hast to
pull at a smack o’ th’ contrary. If ever thou be’st
bound in thy scarf and beaten, thou shalt find
what it is to be proud of thy bondage. I have a 240
desire to hold my acquaintance with thee, or
rather my knowledge, that I may say in the default
“He is a man I know.”

PAROLLES My lord, you do me most insupportable
vexation. 245

LAFEW I would it were hell pains for thy sake, and my
poor doing eternal; for doing I am past, as I will by
thee in what motion age will give me leave.

He exits.

The King is psyched and wants the wedding to happen right away. Like tonight.

Everyone exits the stage except Lafew and Parolles.

Lafew refers to Bertram as Parolles's master. Parolles gets all bent out of shape by this.

At this, Lafew accuses Parolles of being a poser and a wannabe, acting like he's more noble than he really is.

(Parolles seems to be a gentleman that serves Bertram but he refuses to acknowledge that there's any difference between Bertram's rank and his own social status.)

Parolles then goes on the offensive. He basically says, "Watch it grandpa, you're way too old and senile to try to pick a fight with me."

Lafew says that Parolles is not a man, and proceeds to tell him that he's nothing but a loud mouth jerk who's too afraid to put his money where his mouth is.

(We think now's a good time to tell you that Parolles' name literally means "words." Maybe Lafew is onto something here.)

Parolles repeats that Lafew is too old to fight, but we sort of get the idea that Parolles is afraid to go toe-to-toe with him.

PAROLLES Well, thou hast a son shall take this disgrace
off me. Scurvy, old, filthy, scurvy lord! Well, I must 250
be patient; there is no fettering of authority. I’ll
beat him, by my life, if I can meet him with any
convenience, an he were double and double a lord.
I’ll have no more pity of his age than I would have
of—I’ll beat him, an if I could but meet him again. 255

Enter Lafew.

LAFEW Sirrah, your lord and master’s married. There’s
news for you: you have a new mistress.

PAROLLES I most unfeignedly beseech your Lordship
to make some reservation of your wrongs. He is
my good lord; whom I serve above is my master. 260

LAFEW Who? God?

PAROLLES Ay, sir.
LAFEW The devil it is that’s thy master. Why dost thou
garter up thy arms o’ this fashion? Dost make hose
of thy sleeves? Do other servants so? Thou wert 265
best set thy lower part where thy nose stands. By
mine honor, if I were but two hours younger, I’d
beat thee. Methink’st thou art a general offense,
and every man should beat thee. I think thou wast
created for men to breathe themselves upon thee. 270

PAROLLES This is hard and undeserved measure, my
lord.

LAFEW Go to, sir. You were beaten in Italy for picking a
kernel out of a pomegranate. You are a vagabond,
and no true traveler. You are more saucy with 275
lords and honorable personages than the commission
of your birth and virtue gives you heraldry.
You are not worth another word; else I’d call you
knave. I leave you.

He exits.

Lafew leaves the room, and Parolles continues to talk trash until Lafew comes back and announces that Bertram and Helen have been married. That was quick.

More trash talk ensues.

Lafew informs Parolles that, if he were younger, he'd kick his sorry butt all over France. No way, says Parolles.

At this, Lafew exits the stage.

PAROLLES Good, very good! It is so, then. Good, very 280
good. Let it be concealed awhile.

Enter Bertram Count Rossillion.

BERTRAM
Undone, and forfeited to cares forever!

PAROLLES What’s the matter, sweetheart?

BERTRAM
Although before the solemn priest I have sworn,
I will not bed her. 285

PAROLLES What, what, sweetheart?

BERTRAM
O my Parolles, they have married me!
I’ll to the Tuscan wars and never bed her.

PAROLLES France is a dog-hole, and it no more merits
the tread of a man’s foot. To th’ wars! 290

BERTRAM There’s letters from my mother. What th’
import is I know not yet.

PAROLLES Ay, that would be known. To th’ wars, my
boy, to th’ wars!
He wears his honor in a box unseen 295
That hugs his kicky-wicky here at home,
Spending his manly marrow in her arms
Which should sustain the bound and high curvet
Of Mars’s fiery steed. To other regions!
France is a stable, we that dwell in ’t jades. 300
Therefore, to th’ war!

BERTRAM
It shall be so. I’ll send her to my house,
Acquaint my mother with my hate to her
And wherefore I am fled, write to the King
That which I durst not speak. His present gift 305
Shall furnish me to those Italian fields
Where noble fellows strike. Wars is no strife
To the dark house and the detested wife.

PAROLLES
Will this capriccio hold in thee? Art sure?

BERTRAM
Go with me to my chamber, and advise me. 310
I’ll send her straight away. Tomorrow
I’ll to the wars, she to her single sorrow.

PAROLLES
Why, these balls bound; there’s noise in it. ’Tis hard.
A young man married is a man that’s marred.
Therefore away, and leave her bravely. Go. 315
The King has done you wrong, but hush, ’tis so.

They exit.

Bertram shows up and immediately begins to act like a drama queen, boo-hooing that he's been forced to marry Helen.

He declares he'll never, ever sleep with his new wife. Instead, he's going to run off to fight the war in Italy.

Parolles eggs him on and says that staying home and having sex with your "kicky wicky" (wife) is for sissies – real men go off to war.

(Hmm. Is it just us, or is this guy channeling Hotspur from Henry IV Part 1?)

Bertram decides he's going to trick Helen into going back home to live with his mom, the countess of Roussillon. Then he'll run away to Italy and write the king a letter explaining everything.

All's Well That Ends Well: Act 2, Scene 3 Translation

A side-by-side translation of Act 2, Scene 3 of All's Well That Ends Well from the original Shakespeare into modern English.

Original Text

Translated Text

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