Enter Julia and Lucetta. JULIA
But say, Lucetta, now we are alone,
Wouldst thou then counsel me to fall in love? LUCETTA
Ay, madam, so you stumble not unheedfully. JULIA
Of all the fair resort of gentlemen
That every day with parle encounter me, 5
In thy opinion which is worthiest love? LUCETTA
Please you repeat their names, I’ll show my mind
According to my shallow simple skill. JULIA
What think’st thou of the fair Sir Eglamour? LUCETTA
As of a knight well-spoken, neat, and fine; 10
But, were I you, he never should be mine. JULIA
What think’st thou of the rich Mercatio? LUCETTA
Well of his wealth, but of himself so-so. JULIA
What think’st thou of the gentle Proteus? LUCETTA
Lord, Lord, to see what folly reigns in us! 15 JULIA
How now? What means this passion at his name? LUCETTA
Pardon, dear madam, ’tis a passing shame
That I, unworthy body as I am,
Should censure thus on lovely gentlemen. JULIA
Why not on Proteus, as of all the rest? 20 LUCETTA
Then thus: of many good, I think him best. JULIA Your reason? LUCETTA
I have no other but a woman’s reason:
I think him so because I think him so. JULIA
And wouldst thou have me cast my love on him? 25 LUCETTA
Ay, if you thought your love not cast away. JULIA
Why, he of all the rest hath never moved me. LUCETTA
Yet he of all the rest I think best loves you. JULIA
His little speaking shows his love but small. LUCETTA
Fire that’s closest kept burns most of all. 30 JULIA
They do not love that do not show their love. LUCETTA
O, they love least that let men know their love. JULIA I would I knew his mind. LUCETTA, handing her a paper Peruse this paper,
madam. 35 JULIA reads “To Julia.”—Say from whom. LUCETTA That the contents will show. JULIA Say, say who gave it thee. LUCETTA
Sir Valentine’s page; and sent, I think, from
Proteus. 40
He would have given it you, but I, being in the way,
Did in your name receive it. Pardon the fault, I pray. JULIA
Now, by my modesty, a goodly broker!
Dare you presume to harbor wanton lines?
To whisper and conspire against my youth? 45
Now trust me, ’tis an office of great worth,
And you an officer fit for the place.
There, take the paper; see it be returned,
Or else return no more into my sight. LUCETTA, taking the paper
To plead for love deserves more fee than hate. 50 JULIA
Will you be gone? LUCETTA That you may ruminate. She exits. | Julia is lounging around her garden having a little girl talk with her woman in waiting, Lucetta. The big question? Whether or not Julia should fall in love. And if so, with which one of her dozens of suitors? Julia ticks off the names of a few guys who are drooling over her, and Lucetta dismisses each of them. When Julia mentions Proteus, Lucetta's first response is something like "That clown?" But then she catches herself and says what Julia wants to hear—that Proteus is the best of the lot. Plus, he seems to love Julia the most. Julia says Proteus hasn't said much, so she's not sure how he feels, but Lucetta says his silence is an indication of love. Oh, and he sent you this, she adds, giving Julia the love letter. She also says that, um, she may have led the page to believe that she was Julia and accepted the letter in Julia's name. Julia is seriously miffed. How could Lucetta accept a secret love letter on her behalf? Sneaking around is bad behavior for a lady of Julia's class, and she can't believe Lucetta represented her so poorly. Doesn't she take her job seriously? Sheesh. She orders Lucetta to return the letter to Proteus. Now. Like, scram. |
JULIA
And yet I would I had o’erlooked the letter.
It were a shame to call her back again
And pray her to a fault for which I chid her. 55
What fool is she that knows I am a maid
And would not force the letter to my view,
Since maids in modesty say “no” to that
Which they would have the profferer construe “ay”!
Fie, fie, how wayward is this foolish love 60
That like a testy babe will scratch the nurse
And presently, all humbled, kiss the rod!
How churlishly I chid Lucetta hence,
When willingly I would have had her here!
How angerly I taught my brow to frown, 65
When inward joy enforced my heart to smile!
My penance is to call Lucetta back
And ask remission for my folly past.—
What ho, Lucetta! Enter Lucetta. LUCETTA What would your Ladyship? 70 JULIA
Is ’t near dinner time? LUCETTA I would it were,
That you might kill your stomach on your meat
And not upon your maid. She drops a paper and then retrieves it. JULIA
What is ’t that you took up so gingerly? 75 LUCETTA Nothing. JULIA Why didst thou stoop, then? LUCETTA
To take a paper up that I let fall. JULIA And is that paper nothing? LUCETTA Nothing concerning me. 80 JULIA
Then let it lie for those that it concerns. LUCETTA
Madam, it will not lie where it concerns
Unless it have a false interpreter. JULIA
Some love of yours hath writ to you in rhyme. LUCETTA
That I might sing it, madam, to a tune, 85
Give me a note. Your Ladyship can set— JULIA
As little by such toys as may be possible.
Best sing it to the tune of “Light o’ Love.” LUCETTA
It is too heavy for so light a tune. JULIA
Heavy? Belike it hath some burden then? 90 LUCETTA
Ay, and melodious were it, would you sing it. JULIA
And why not you? LUCETTA I cannot reach so high. JULIA, taking the paper
Let’s see your song. How now, minion! LUCETTA
Keep tune there still, so you will sing it out. 95
And yet methinks I do not like this tune. JULIA You do not? LUCETTA No, madam, ’tis too sharp. JULIA You, minion, are too saucy. LUCETTA Nay, now you are too flat 100
And mar the concord with too harsh a descant.
There wanteth but a mean to fill your song. JULIA
The mean is drowned with your unruly bass. LUCETTA
Indeed, I bid the base for Proteus. JULIA
This babble shall not henceforth trouble me. 105
Here is a coil with protestation.
She rips up the paper. Lucetta begins
to pick up the pieces.
Go, get you gone, and let the papers lie.
You would be fing’ring them to anger me. LUCETTA
She makes it strange, but she would be best pleased
To be so angered with another letter. 110 She exits. | As soon as Lucetta leaves, Julia regrets her decision. She pretended to be mad that Proteus sent her a letter when deep down inside she was jumping for joy. And now she wishes she knew what that letter said... She calls back Lucetta, who returns and then plays "keep away" with the letter and teases Julia about Proteus. Julia, who is now back in tantrum mode, grabs the letter and tears it to shreds to demonstrate that she doesn't really care about love. |
JULIA
Nay, would I were so angered with the same!
O hateful hands, to tear such loving words!
Injurious wasps, to feed on such sweet honey
And kill the bees that yield it with your stings!
I’ll kiss each several paper for amends. 115
She picks up some pieces.
Look, here is writ “kind Julia.” Unkind Julia,
As in revenge of thy ingratitude,
I throw thy name against the bruising stones,
Trampling contemptuously on thy disdain.
And here is writ “love-wounded Proteus.” 120
Poor wounded name, my bosom as a bed
Shall lodge thee till thy wound be throughly healed,
And thus I search it with a sovereign kiss.
But twice or thrice was “Proteus” written down.
Be calm, good wind. Blow not a word away 125
Till I have found each letter in the letter
Except mine own name. That some whirlwind bear
Unto a ragged, fearful, hanging rock
And throw it thence into the raging sea.
Lo, here in one line is his name twice writ: 130
“Poor forlorn Proteus, passionate Proteus,
To the sweet Julia.” That I’ll tear away—
And yet I will not, sith so prettily
He couples it to his complaining names.
Thus will I fold them one upon another. 135
Now kiss, embrace, contend, do what you will. Enter Lucetta. LUCETTA
Madam, dinner is ready, and your father stays. JULIA Well, let us go. LUCETTA
What, shall these papers lie like telltales here? JULIA
If you respect them, best to take them up. 140 LUCETTA
Nay, I was taken up for laying them down.
Yet here they shall not lie, for catching cold. She picks up the rest of the pieces. JULIA
I see you have a month’s mind to them. LUCETTA
Ay, madam, you may say what sights you see;
I see things too, although you judge I wink. 145 JULIA Come, come, will ’t please you go? They exit. | Julia's roller coaster ride of emotions isn't over—she immediately bends down and gathers the bits and pieces of the letter. She reads each snippet of paper aloud and tries to piece the fragments together. (It ends up sounding like the kind of poetry you make by randomly putting together word magnets on the refrigerator.) Lucetta comes back and tells Julia dinner's ready, and Julia again pretends not to care about the letter, even though Lucetta saw here picking up all the pieces. Lucetta lets her know she sees what's going on, even if Julia likes to pretend otherwise. Then they head off to get some grub. |