Symbolism, Imagery, Allegory
Seeing is believing, right?
But what if your ability to see clearly is messed up? Then what?
This is Deborah's reality. Her mental illness involves hallucinations that are so real Deborah prefers them to the real world.
Throughout the novel, what Deborah sees isn't always really there. Deborah's mental state impacts how she sees everything around her, so her vision is seriously distorted. Sometimes, for her, the world is coated in haze because she's halfway to Yr, or vice-versa.
Deborah's world is dark and shadowy, but there are also moments when light invades what Deborah would rather keep secret in those dark and shadowy hiding places.
Darkness, Vision, and Deborah's Family
In Chapter 1, as the Blaus drive toward a motel on their way to the mental hospital, they are "heading out farther into the country darkness," all the while talking about vacation details and trying to forget how heavy the present situation is—after all, their daughter has recently tried to kill herself (1.8).
This is what Deborah's parents often do: they ignore the darkness and pretend everything is okay. That same night, in fact, Deborah's parents lie in darkness, unable to reach out to one another or come to terms with their conflicted feelings about putting Deborah away (1.15).
For Deborah, at this point, the real world is populated by "ghosts and shadows" (1.21). She's not seeing anything clearly, least of all herself. She's detached from everyone around her and has lost touch with what it means to be a person and interact with other people.
When people describe someone as being "in the dark," they mean that person is unaware. Deborah is unaware of what being mentally healthy feels like; she only remembers feeling detached, hanging out with her imaginary friends in Yr, and being annoyed at having to flip between both worlds. Her mental state is, well, pretty dark.
Dark Secrets and Yr
In Chapter 3, Deborah describes light as something that will destroy not only her secrets but also the secret world she has built.
The figure in charge of these secrets in Yr is The Censor, and he's pretty much the worst, most annoying control freak you could imagine. His main job is to keep Yr a secret: "One whisper of a secret name, one sign written, one slip of light could break into the hidden place and destroy both her and both worlds forever" (3.3).
Deborah sees light as something that reveals secrets, and so she sees light as the element will take away the special thing that has come to define her. Without Yr, she thinks she won't belong anywhere. She'll be totally lost.
Basically, Deborah uses Yr to escape. When she's freaking out about Yri secrets getting out to Earth, or when she doesn't want to deal with emotionally difficult situations, or even when she's bored, she retreats to Yr.
The World Goes Gray
Compared to Yr, the Earth starts to look pretty dull. When Deborah transitions to Yr, she describes Earth as losing light or turning gray. Eventually, everything on Earth just looks gray to her. It's boring. Seriously, Yr has flying creatures and gods and goddesses. Can Earth beat that? It cannot.
But then something sad starts to happen. Yr stops being colorful, too. It's like Deborah can't be truly happy anywhere anymore. The more she struggles with her own identity, the less color she's able to see. Everything is just gray.
Why does this happen?
Well, it's partly because Yr is punishing Deborah for giving up her secrets. When she tells Dr. Fried just a little bit about her parents, for example, Deborah falls with Anterrabae into the Pit, where there is darkness and only the sound of moaning:
"She began to fall, going with Anterrabae through his fire-fragmented darkness into Yr. This time the fall was far. There was utter darkness for a long time and then a grayness, seen only in bands across the eye. The place was familiar; it was the Pit. In this place gods and Collect moaned and shouted" (4.30).
The grayness is now both in Yr and on Earth. Everything is losing vibrancy and color for Deborah. Even her imaginary world is getting less fun.
Why? Because that's how Deborah feels.
When nothing makes you happy, not even your own imaginary world…? That has to be a really lonely place to be.
So how did this whole gray thing happen for Deborah?
It's complicated, but she gives us some clues. The grayscale thing happens when she first meets Dr. Fried, for example. When Dr. Fried says she wants to help Deborah to learn how to manage her feelings better so that she will be able get along in the real world, Deborah feels like a rope is tightening around her neck. "Fear was flowing wildly in Deborah's head, turning her vision gray" (3.37).
What makes Deborah nervous here is the idea of getting better and learning how to be in the real world. You know…with real people. At this point, that is a terrifying thought for her. Giving up Yr would be a complete reversal of her reality.
Every time Deborah's defense mechanisms are challenged, and every time she's offered the choice to work toward mental health, she gets scared and freaks out a little. And then things start turning gray. Grayness is the outward sign of her fear.
Dr. Fried Shines a Light
When Dr. Fried reveals that she thinks Deborah is mentally ill, it scares Deborah, but it also frees her to have that out in the open. "As bald as that. Yet with the terror connected with the hedged-about word 'crazy,' the unspoken word that Deborah was thinking about now, there was a light coming from the doctor's spoken words, a kind of light shone back on many rooms of the past" (3.41).
Finally, we get a counterpart to all the darkness.
That light Dr. Fried's words offer lets Deborah see a kind of hope. She's been told by lots of other doctors and her parents that nothing was wrong with her, and that has only made her feel even worse. Now, here's a world-famous doctor telling her that yep, she's been right all along. Something's wrong with her.
But Dr. Fried doesn't just say Deborah's sick; she also says there's a chance to get better. This is a huge moment for Deborah: Dr. Fried gives Deborah validation for her feelings and gives her hope. Those are two things Deborah's never had.
But don't get too excited. It's not all unicorns and rainbows yet: Deborah still has a lot of work to do in therapy. And Yr isn't going to make that easy.