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Hephaestus, a la Shmoop.

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My name is Hephaestus, and my life...sucks.

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"Whatevs," you mortals probably say. "You're the god of fire, volcanoes, and blacksmiths.

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You've got a sweet deal."

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Oh, if only it were that simple...

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First of all, I'm ugly.

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Fugly.

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I don't mind saying it, because it's true.

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I mean... look at this mug. I've stopped even bothering to look in mirrors.

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Makes it tough to get ready in the morning... when you crack them all the time.

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If that weren't bad enough, I'm also short...

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Lumpy...

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And I walk with a limp. You think it's easy being an ugly god?

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Well, it's not.

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Especially when every day on Mount Olympus is like a

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coed version of America's Next Top Model.

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So there you have it.

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I may be the god of fire and volcanoes, but I'm not... smokin' hot.

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Nobody's sure why I got hit with the ugly stick. I just came out that way.

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Even my mother Hera, Queen of the Gods, was grossed out by me when I was born.

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She was actually so disgusted by me that she tossed me off of Mt. Olympus.

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Yeah, you heard that right.

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My mother threw my infant body off of a mountain.

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Luckily, gods are made of tougher stuff than you puny mortals...

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...so when I crash-landed on the isle of Lemnos <<LEM-nose>>, I survived.

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Some say my fall from Olympus is the reason why I've got this stupid limp.

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So not only did my Mom abandon me, she crippled me for the rest of my immortal life.

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Luckily, the gorgeous nymphs of Lemnos aren't as superficial and well...

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let's just say "unkind"... as my Mom.

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The nymphs raised me lovingly on Lemnos, and I somehow managed to build back my self-esteem.

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Eventually, I built my famous forge inside of a volcano on Lemnos.

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Before you knew it, everybody was talking about my awesome creations.

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Some of my greatest hits include the indestructible armor of Achilles.

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Though it probably would've worked out better for Achilles if I'd

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made him a set of indestructible boots to go with it...

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But hey, sandals were the style back then.

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I also single-handedly invented the idea of the "pimped out ride"

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when I made Helios the sun god's fiery chariot.

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Even though life was getting better, I never got over how my Mom dissed me.

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And therapy isn't cheap...

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To get her back, I forged a beautiful golden throne.

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Uh...what's the catch?

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Well, Hera eventually realized that she could never get up from the throne again.

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Think about how torturous it got when she had to pee,

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and couldn't make it to... her other throne.

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Eventually, the other gods convinced me to let her go, though.

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Mom and I made peace...sort of...

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and she even tolerated me coming up to Olympus once in a while.

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Things were looking up.

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Even though I was the ugliest god, I ended up marrying Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty.

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Only in Hollywood, right?

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A lot of gods were actually whispering that Zeus forced her into marrying me.

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Could be.

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Like pretty much every arranged marriage ever, mine lacked a little heat. OK, a lot of heat.

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But I still couldn't keep my hands off of her.

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The trouble was... she couldn't keep her hands off of everybody else.

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Besides finding plenty of hints on the men's room walls of Olympus,

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I also got a tip from my old buddy Helios.

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The sun god told me that my wife had been sneaking around with the war god, Ares.

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When I heard this, I really blew my top. So it was time once again for revenge.

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Since a piece of trick furniture worked so well with Mom, I figured I'd try it again.

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The next time Ares and Aphrodite spent some time together in my golden bed,

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they were surprised when an inescapable golden net trapped them in their skivvies.

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To shame them, I called all the gods to see them naked together.

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It was then that it struck me.

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Wasn't I just showing everybody exactly how pathetic I really was?

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So, there you have it, mortals.

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Being a god isn't everything it's cracked up to be.

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And being ugly sucks just as much up here on Mount Olympus as it does on Earth.

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