Qualifications
Before you even make it into the air, you have to go through college. Most commercial airline pilots have a Bachelor Degree (in any subject you want!!), so if you were hoping to skip the college process, this might not be the best path. On the bright side, you can pass the time in the sky by putting that Philosophy degree to work and thinking about existence while you fly.
Once you make it through college, you’re going to need a Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) issued commercial pilot’s license. And, hot dog, does this require some rigorous training and education! Bad news for those of you who thought you could just slap a sticker on your driver’s license, but the DMV doesn’t cover aircraft (they already seem swamped with work in the car department based on how slow those lines move). To get your license, you need to go to ground school, or, if you’re particularly fancy, you can get your own private instructor (FAA approved, of course). Then it’s back to the books to pass a written ground school test, followed by logging a total of 250 hours of flying. And you can’t just spend it cruising and doing loop-d-loops through the air; you have to allot special time to certain conditions and maneuvers.
And after you’ve mastered all of those conditions, you go for a check-ride, which is a lot like a driver’s test, except for the fact that it’s a lot more difficult. And instead of a grumpy DMV employee who is waiting for you to fail so he can get the donut he’s jonesing for, it’s a Federal Aviation Administration examiner who is (hopefully) less grumpy. The FAA examiner will ask you to plan a flight, quiz you on aviation matters, and then come with you for that big ride in the sky. Just like a driver’s test, the examiner is going to ask you to execute certain maneuvers and direct your flying until they dub you worthy of the commercial pilot’s license.
We wish we could tell you you’re set after this, but you’ve got, like, at least four more things to take care of. You’ll need a medical certificate (first or second class) to be allowed to fly an airplane alone. All you have to do is pass a medical examination by an FAA-authorized examiner. We know you thought that once you passed gym class in high school, you’d never be forced to be in “good shape” again and you could turn into the “good shape” of your lumpy, bloated couch, but not as a pilot. You’re going to want to be in tip-top shape to meet the health and fitness requirements of flying.
Okay, now that you’re an Adonis with perfect cholesterol, you’re going to need an instrument and multi-engine rating. The instrument rating will determine whether you can weather the weather and fly with low visibility (adverse weather and clouds). As they say about pilots (and mailmen): neither snow, nor rain, nor dark of night will stop the pilot (but a thunderstorm might). You’ll need to go through the same bells and whistles as before, but pass instrument ground school, fly a certain amount of hours without visibility, and pass an instrument rating check-ride. For the multi-engine rating, you’ll have to take some more lessons and pass a multi-engine check-ride. Looks like school’s out for never.
Now if you don’t want to be the Clark to somebody else’s Lewis, you can get yourself out of that co-pilot seat by—you guessed it—more school stuff!! You must pass another written test, have a first-class medical license (so swap that burger lunch for a salad already Mr./Mrs. Hypertension), and log 1,500 flight hours, including 250 hours as the pilot in command. That’s 62 days in the sky without sleep. You may want to spread it out.