They Used to Be Bad to the Bone

• Basically, Paul doesn't want Christians to worry about all the petty things going down on Earth. Just stay focused on Jesus and all will be well.
• That means no sex outside of marriage. Don't do impure or lustful stuff or desire evil things. And definitely don't be greedy. It's a tall order.
• Back when the Colossians were Gentiles, they did all this bad stuff. But now that they're believers, things are different.
• They shouldn't be angry or cruel or mean or gossipy. They also shouldn't lie. Well, unless a fellow Christian asks if her toga makes her look fat.
• Christians basically have a whole new wardrobe. They need to put on their holiest ensemble and not those sinful rags from last season. That was the ugliest skirt God has ever seen. 
• The awesome part is that this means that everyone is equal in God's eyes. He doesn't see a difference between Greeks or Jews or foreigners or slaves or free people. Jesus is cool with everyone. Group hug!
• Really, just do good stuff. Be compassionate, kind, humble, meek, and patient. Forgive other people. Oh, and love. Don't forget to love.
• Bottom line, according to Paul: let Jesus be a part of your life, and you'll be happy and awesome and thankful for everything in your life.
• Paul's quite the self-help guru.

Our House Is a Very, Very, Very Holy House

• Speaking of self-help—Paul's got loads of other helpful tips for keeping an orderly household.
• How about some thoughts for the ladies?
• Wives, obey your husbands, just like you would obey God himself. Talk about putting your man on a pedestal.
• But gents, love your wives and don't be huge jerks to them.
• Kids, listen to your parents. Yeah, they can be lame, but it's the right thing to do.
• Dads, don't be cruel to your children. You might actually push them to rebel and that would not be good.
• How about slaves? They all get to go free, right?
• Not exactly. Slaves should obey their masters, too. They're also supposed to be cheerful and obedient all the time. No slacking off when the master is away, okay?
• Just pretend that you're slaving away for God. You'll get your reward in Heaven! We guess that's one thing to look forward to…?
• Don't forget, though—anyone who does the wrong thing will be punished. Fingers crossed that God actually has the whole "owning humans" thing under this "wrong stuff" category.