Monty Python and the Holy Grail Rules and Order Quotes

How we cite our quotes: All quotations are from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Quote #1

OLD MAN: I'm getting better.

NOT AS OLD MAN: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.

DEAD COLLECTOR: Well, I can't take him like that, it's against regulations.

Regulations? This dude is literally collecting a pile of dead people on a cart in an incredibly muddy village street, and he's talking about regulations as if he's running a modern clinic. Oh, and then he clubs the guy anyway after making sure no one's looking. So much for regulations.

Quote #2

BEDEVERE: There are ways of telling if she's a witch.

CROWD: [Simultaneously] What are they? Tell us! Do they hurt!?

BEDEVERE: What do you do with witches?

CROWD: Burn!

The wise Bedevere knows how to put on a fair trial. He's the one who brings order to the unruly crowd that dressed a woman as a witch just so they could watch her burn. However, Bedevere's standard witch trial procedure is a bit… peculiar. He proceeds to engage the people in an extended logical argument about witches. As we can tell from the first question, his string of logic is going to be anything but sensible.

Quote #3

ARTHUR: We will find you a shrubbery.

KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood… alive.

ARTHUR: Oh Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery—

KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI: One that looks nice.

ARTHUR: Of course.

KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI: And not too expensive.

The Knights Who Say Ni are quite particular. Not only do they want a shrubbery, but it must be a) nice looking and b) cost-effective. This is a parody on the typical fantasy quest trope where a traveler meets an obstacle and must retrieve an item—the orders of the quest are absurd and the item itself is, um, not what you'd expect. The whole premise is crazy, and the specific rules for the shrub just make it crazier.