Career Aptitude Quiz

What is your first response to these words? Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

A) How can the peppers be pickled if they're still growing?
B) Peter...is he the guy in AP Bio?
C) That's a good one, but I prefer "She sells seashells by the seashore."
D) No peppers for me, thanks.

If you picked D, you're kind of right—peppers can be icky. But if you picked C, you're just the kind of daring linguist to take on the wacky, wonderful world of auctioneering!

An auctioneer is the guy or gal who stands up in front of a bunch of people and sells stuff to the highest bidder. Auctions have been around for a while, or at least since the fifth century BCE (that counts as a while, right?). That's when Greek historian (and ancient tourist) Herodotus wrote about a charming region which sold marriageable women to the highest bidder, in a sort of "wife sale." The Romans enjoyed a good auction, too, and they even threw in some non-human goods for the original "buy local" effort. Hey, when in Rome....

In ancient China, the possessions of dead monks were sold at auction, and profits were split between the monastery treasury, debt payments, and the dead monk's buddies. Folks in the Netherlands and Great Britain bid on paintings, books, and more basic stuff, like fish and veggies.

Auctions might have been the rage everywhere else, but Americans were slower to jump on the bandwagon. Early American auctions were viewed as kind of embarrassing, because they usually meant that someone's stuff was being sold to pay debts, or to burn off supplies of a bum product. "Burlap underwear! Do I hear fifty cents for this sturdy pair of woven underpants? They're only a little scratchy, but they're so sturdy!"

As America expanded its borders, African slaves were sold at auction, a practice which ended after the Civil War. The auction process didn't catch on in a big way until the years following WWII, when savvy businessmen started using them to make quick sales for goods and real estate, and big auction houses like Sotheby's came to the states. Today, online auction sites like eBay.com, uBid.com, and Onlineauction.com are a way of life, and bidders flock to live auctions to buy all kinds of merchandise.

There are many different kinds of auctions out there. Real estate auctions hawk homes, condos, and whatnot. This kind of auction is growing in popularity, because it is quicker and easier than working through a go-between broker. (Sales tip: Make sure you pick up all of the dog poop on the lawn before the bidders show up.) Auctions also sell commercial and industrial buildings, and even heavy equipment, so clients can snag that hospital gurney and abandoned warehouse they've always wanted. (Don't turn your back on those people, by the way.)

Bidders can buy chunks of land in a parcel auction, or go to art and antiques auctions to buy...well, you probably figured that one out. Auctioneers may also run charity auctions, auto auctions, estate or bankruptcy sales, or livestock auctions.

As a rule, bidders come packing cash, or credit, if allowed. If the auction is for a majorly pricey item, like a house, the bidder is responsible for getting qualified beforehand. No "IOU" payments for these gigs.

No matter what's on sale, all auctioneers have a common mission: Get people to open their wallets. First and foremost, an auctioneer has to speak clearly, so the auction block isn't a good place to try out your Australian accent. Then there's the numbers part of the equation.

Auctioneers get together with the seller before the auction to figure out a starting price, and also what price steps to use. Will the item on sale have a "reserve," a minimum amount that the seller will accept? Low starting prices might get more folks in on the bidding, but go too low and a customer may call your bluff. Will the cost rise by ten dollars each bid? Fifty dollars? A hundred dollars? A penny? Lower bids can lure a buyer into thinking they're getting a cheaper price, but it's like paying $9.99 for a ten-buck lunch...it shakes out to around the same amount in the end.

Auctioneers are famous for "the chant," or the mesmerizing rhythms of speech they call out from the podium. Part of the reason for the chant is to eliminate awkward silences. After all, the auctioneer wants to keep buyers' brains on the item for sale, not on second guesses. The chant uses "filler words" to, er, fill the spaces between those all-important (and hopefully rising) prices. The chant is learned in auction school, where students mow through tongue-twisters and number sequences until the chant becomes automatic.

"I got 50 on my right here, 50, looking for 60, anybody gonna give me 60, come on ladies and gents, this is a real prize here, don't be shy, 60 from the gentleman in the front row, looking for 70 now, a steal at 70 dollars, ladies and gents...."

Despite the rapid-fire stereotype, an auctioneer's chant doesn't have to be speedy. When the auction is for a super pricey item, like a mansion or a priceless jewel-encrusted toilet seat, buyers may need a little extra time between bids to consider their options (and the exfoliating benefits of a semi-precious throne). Some auctioneers just don't care for the motormouth routine, and prefer to take their time. The fastest chanters are usually found at livestock auctions, car auctions, and other high profile events, where the merchandise moves quickly and the audience enjoys a good show.

Glamorous as the auction process might be, it's really a small part of what auctioneers do. A ton of work goes into each event, from appraising items to laying out the auction space.

The most crucial quality in an auctioneer, aside from devastating charm, is marketing savvy. Where is the group of people who will empty their bank accounts to get the last silver butter knife that completes their set? Some of them may be found with their noses in hobby magazines, or nursing carpal tunnel from hours spent trolling auction websites. Others are on mailing lists, or have placed advertisements searching for their holy grail. A savvy auctioneer knows his target market, and baits his hooks accordingly. Which is doubly effective when auctioning fishing equipment. Because...bait, fishing...? Never mind.

Auctioneers frequently own their own business, or help out with a family operation. Others find employment at big auction houses, which organize many events each year.

If you're more of a lone wolf, you may choose to work on a contract basis, or hang around and wait for someone to cry, "Is there an auctioneer in the house?" Contract auctioneers are usually hired by other auction companies to handle specific events, and they don't have to worry about all that planning stuff. They just waltz in and start selling! In some cases, though, like a freelance gig at a charity auction, an auctioneer might be expected to provide support staff, advertising, bid paddles, or even checkout software.

There are other auction professions that don't involve calling bids. A bid assistant, or "ringman," (women are allowed, too) watches for bids from the audience and shouts them out, so the auctioneer doesn't miss anyone. They also act as a personal shopper to potential bidders and keep an eye out for certain items. Ringmen get a cut of the profits as their pay, and can work full time, or as little as they like. They also know a cool sign language to communicate with the auctioneer. Thumbs down, for example, doesn't mean, "Man, this guy is the worst!" but actually stands for the number 9. This secret code is very important for communication between bidder and auctioneer, because auctions can get LOUD.

It takes a village to run an auction. Auctioneers investigate and evaluate a lot of the merchandise they are in charge of selling, but if they don't have a clue, they'll bring in an appraiser who knows more about the item. They also need: clerks to crunch the numbers, stagers to make things pretty, publicity personnel, tech geniuses, and even legal counsel to steer them away from anything that might result in jail time. In a smaller operation, many of these jobs might be done by one person. Maybe even your Auntie Bev. Love you, Auntie Bev!

Auctioneers need to know a little of everything. You must be able to work with people (even stressed out, shrieking heiresses), think on your feet, and create effective advertisements. You must be honest, but still put a shine on your merchandise—the lawn of your seller's house may be overrun by gnarly grey mold, but it's a super location for a brand new swimming pool! Many auctioneers learn the tricks of the trade through on-the-job training, but the best place to get a crash course in the profession is at a special auction school. There are dozens of auction schools in the United States, and even one in South Africa!

Some auctioneers specialize in a particular area, like collectibles, art, or automobiles. If your sellers live in another country, you may need to speak another language to communicate with them. Standard college degrees are useful to support your knowledge and hone your marketing skills, but are not essential to a successful career.

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