Have you ever found yourself sitting around with $1,300,000 thinking, "Man, I would really like to purchase 100,000 tiny American flags from an affordable German factory and then sell them to a distributor in Australia"? Well, of course you have. If you want to make that dream a reality, first you're going to need to use some of that pile of cash to hire a logistician.

 

Remind us again why this terrifying thing needs to be flown 7,000 miles to be sold for $0.63 plus tax? (Source)

Logisticians work to answer the questions of "who," "what," "where," and "when," but place extra significance on the "how" of it all. Their job is to take a big business concept and break it down into a system of steps. They follow and manage physical goods from their creation to their purchase. 

It's easy for us, the consumers, to pick up a $0.25 rubber ball with a Made in China stamp, bounce it once, and then discard it as garbage. However, moving that little thing 7,746 miles from a factory in Guangzhou to a toy store in Chicago (all while making twenty-five cents a profitable price tag) is no small feat.

Of course, that's not the only calculation a good logistician makes; they also figure out the shortest route between an employer's bank account and their own (bah dum tss). The United States Bureau of Labor Statistics (who collects and sorts data on this stuff—they're a blast at parties) reports that the average logistician's salary runs $72,780 per year (source). Not too shabby for someone who's basically just the embodiment of Google Maps (with a built-in calculator) for a living.

 

Of course, the real joke was on Timmy. In retaliation, Grandma hid in his closet wearing it. (Source)

To the Average Joe and Josephine, getting a novelty latex horse head mask delivered to your doorstep is a relatively easy process. You hop online, head somewhere like Amazon, click a few times, and watch that terrifying plastic depiction of a decapitated pony arrive with the FedEx guy sometime after breakfast. 

We take it for granted these days, but there's actually an immensely complicated journey that horrifying thing went through before you could hide it under Grandma's pillow.

The first thing a logistician does is identify consumer needs, asking questions like, "How many weirdos want this horse thing?" Once they have a good idea of where most of the customers are geographically, they'll begin allocating products there for storage, considering factors like gas usage, trucks, and shipping conditions along the way. 

Again, it's not so easy. When you're talking about hundreds of thousands of frightening rubber pony faces as opposed to one or two frightening rubber pony faces, a lot goes into every detail.

Once they've determined the most effective method, logisticians lean on the relationships they've built with transport companies or other key contractors to measure costs. If they're too high, he or she may have to go back and rethink one of the many steps from A to B to find a solution. If the costs are really low, he or she might have to throw an office party and eat lots of cake, because that's totally awesome.

Logisticians perform most of these calculations with software. Software means computer, and computer means office (if you're lucky, cubicle if you're not). Yup, it's a desk job. But don't worry—you'll get to stretch those legs here and there. It's not at all uncommon for logisticians to visit plants and distribution centers to put in face-time with managers or inspect the outfit's capabilities. After all, one tiny shift in price or schedule can affect profits on thousands and thousands of items. It adds up quick.

 

"It's fine! It's fine! Just call the port and tell them not to ship our crate. It was, uh, the red one. I think. I'm sure it won't be a problem." (Source)

If you want to stay on top of it like a snug horse mask on a satisfied customer's head, you're going to need to be crazy organized. We're talking cabinets, binders, calendars, and a computer filing system more advanced than "whatever, I'll just save it to the desktop." 

You'll also need the capacity to use all of that beautifully arranged data to make smart decisions. All the information in the world doesn't mean a thing if you don't know how to use it.

Some of these talents may be innate (quick: if a skateboarding pug traveling three MPH and a cat on a Roomba traveling one MPH are trying to go to an Arby's across town, how much closer to a roast beef sandwich is the pug after forty-five minutes?), but many of the skills you'll need can be learned and subsequently practiced. Most logisticians have at least a four-year degree, and the smartest of them nab a certification as well (source). 

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