Let’s get one thing out of the way. Just because you were a child prodigy at Battleship who managed to sink everyone else’s submarines, while successfully preserving your own, does not mean you’re qualified to come within a mile of any operational submarine.

This ain’t no game of Battleship.

Working on a submarine at all, let alone as a commanding officer, is a huge honor, and comes with huge responsibilities. Submarine commanders are some of the most important people you’ll find on a submarine. They check the submarine’s equipment (cough, nuclear warheads, cough) to be sure they work correctly. They oversee everyone else on the sub to make sure that the ship is going in the right direction and not, you know, about to steer straight into enemy fire or… land. Submarines use all sorts of super technical systems, from radar equipment to “nuclear propulsion” systems. As a submarine commander, you would make sure all systems are running smoothly.

In the off-chance that you’re not clear what a submarine is, and just think being a “commander” of anything sounds neat-o, how about a refresher on what a nuclear submarine really is? Because trust us, submarines are a pretty big deal and deciding to work on one is something to take very, very seriously.

The first subs were super rickety old things involving a hand-crank and, weirdly, a lot of wood. How that worked, we’re not entirely sure. But it didn’t work for long, and with the turn of the century came subs powered by diesel-electric engines. World War I and II cemented the submarine, now made of steel, at the crème de la crème of modern military warfare. When the U.S. Navy in 1954 launched the U.S.S Nautilus, combining subs with nukes, they blew the world’s mind. And voila! The modern nuclear submarine, equal parts awesome and terrifying, was born.

Are you suited for the submarine lifestyle? Not many people are. Actually, almost no one is. On average, a sub deploys for 90 days. That’s 90 days out on the water, away from civilization, family and friends, the latest iPhone, and fresh food. Hopefully, you love you some cream of mushroom soup and canned tomatoes, because all you’re gonna get are non-perishables.

Don’t like the food? You probably won’t like the rooms either. Submarine officers are allotted an average of 15 square feet for their possessions (there’s a reason they call beds in a submarine “coffins”) and there are no windows. So say goodbye to silly things like “night” and “day,” and say hello to your new 18-hour day: six hours to sleep, six hours on active duty, and six hours to “relax.”

What does relaxation mean on a submarine? A typical rec room has movies, board games, and playing cards. It’s basically an old person’s home that happens to be underwater and armed with nuclear weapons. It probably won’t smell much better either.

Okay, so maybe you are the kind of person who would totally love to live underwater, in a small, dark, windowless room, with the same people and canned food every day. Kudos. But are you sure you’re the kind of man who can work his way up the ranks from a lowly seaman recruit? Here’s roughly what that process will look like… A recruiter shows up at your university, and you think being a “seaman” sounds like a lot of fun and you could really use the full tuition scholarship. You eventually serve active duty in the Navy. You move pretty quickly through the first three “rates” (which are called “ranks” in the military). As the chubby-cheeked, fresh-out-of-college kiddo you are, you think you’re pretty cool and doing well for yourself.

(By the way, none of this matters one iota if you’re packing two X-chromosomes in your genome. Right or wrong, the Navy says subs are only for the menfolk. Sorry, ladies.)

And then you become a “Petty Officer.” Now you’re really feeling good. You have an impressive degree in engineering. You completed Nuclear Power School and Nuclear Prototype training at the top of your class. You have an instinct for submarine warfare. So… where’s your submarine to command? …Hello? …Anyone?

Actually, you’re still at least twenty years of your life (not to mention one official Presidential commission) away from becoming a Commander (if you want to work on a Fast Attack Sub) or Captain (if you’re in charge of a ballistic missile sub or a sub squadron). The Department of Defense suggests that sub commanders have 21-23 years of experience in the Navy… and like any popular nightclub, they know better than to let more than 50 percent of officers eligible for command duty through their doors. The majority of people will be left shivering in the cold.

Best-case scenario here? You work your butt off for more than twenty years in order to become the exalted ruler of 100 sweaty, overeager crewmembers with a tiny closet you call a “bedroom” as your only escape. Worst-case scenario? You work your butt off for more than twenty years in order to… still be a sweaty, overeager, low-ranking Petty Officer, dreaming of one day commanding your own submarine.

(Hint: The worst-case scenario is also the most likely.)

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