Come join us, we're fine over here. (Source)

So you're a glutton for punishment, eh? Why else would you click on substitute teacher of all career choices? It's not like you don't have experience with these people—in middle school, when you tried to play Sink the Sub, or in high school, when you just flat out ignored them. So now you want to see what it's like from the other side.

At least you'll make a decent living watching these brats—sorry, "impressionable young minds," right? Well...that depends on what you call decent. Is the $29,600 you'll earn on average decent? (source). 

We say it is. Why? Because you're not actually working that hard, you're not stuck in the classroom forever, you have no responsibility (okay, far less responsibility) towards the futures of any of these temporary inconveniences sitting in desks, and you'll probably spend half the classes you "teach" watching films.

Most people consider subbing a transitional career, because for most people that's all it is. Typically, it's a first step on the road to becoming a full-time teacher. That's because, due to relatively low entrance requirements, it's a good way to build up your teaching stamina and experience without actually being responsible for a full year's worth of lessons. Instead, you're often a glorified babysitter.

Okay, that's a bit snarky, but it's also more than a bit true. Your job is to wake up at 5:00AM and check in on the school district's phone line or web page. You'll hope against hope that some teacher came down with a horrible disease—not life threatening, of course, but enough to get you a couple weeks' worth of paycheck. 

Should your name be called you'll be assigned to a school and a classroom. Then all you've gotta do is get there.

 

"Hmm, 'stereoscopic' is an interesting word—never heard that one before." (Source)

On some days, the regular teacher will have left you a detailed lesson plan for you to teach in his or her absence. On those days, you're just like a real teacher, except you're following somebody else's instructions. Not that you're expected to know any of this stuff, just that you can read it and write it out with a piece of chalk.

On other days, the teacher will leave you a sticky note with some vague reference to an in-class book assignment. You'll tell students to flip to some random page in their textbooks, and they'll all grumble and give you the stank-eye.

On the majority of days, the teacher will leave you no guidance whatsoever. It'll be 7:30AM and you'll be staring at a class of thirty kids where nobody knows what they're doing—especially you. Technically, teachers are never supposed to do this, but they almost always do. Time to start improvising—although we'd probably avoid trying a stand-up routine. This will be the toughest crowd you've ever seen.

Subs should have at least one pre-canned lesson in each of the four major subject areas—English, math, science, and social studies. It'll be some stand-alone activity that doesn't impinge on the teacher's actual curriculum, but gives students just enough of a whiff of learning that they feel they've benefited from school. If all else fails, maybe try some Dr. Seuss?

Students don't often respect, fear, or listen to a sub, because subs have very little actual authority. Subs can write up students and hand out discipline, but students inherently know that if they all disregard the sub as a group, there's not a lot he or she can do about it. It's a sub's job to be just interesting enough that students don't go haywire.

The requirements to become a sub vary heavily by state (source). You'll usually be required to have a college degree, or at least two years of college credit. A lot of states require potential subs to pass some sort of basic skills entrance test.

Once you've passed these basic requirements, and have collected all your shots and background clearances, you'll have to apply to a school district. You can usually apply to several school districts at once, but again, this varies by state.

Getting the first call to come in and sub is often the hardest, because the school administrators don't know you from Adam. So if there's any way you can make a good and strong impression the first time you apply to the sub pool, it might help you in the long run. Then it's up to you to prove you're capable.

If this all sounds appealing, and you're ready to get in some classrooms and teach some (mostly ignored) lessons, then climb aboard and ride this sub all the way to the darkest recesses of the abyss known as the American public school system. *Shudder*

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