You may be having a jolly good time driving around town, but everything has to end sometime. Here are some guidelines for parking your vehicle:

Parking on a Hill

When you’re parking on a steep hill (hmm, I wonder where you’ll ever see one of those in Kentucky…), you want to turn your wheels so that if—God forbid—your brakes go out, your car won’t go rolling down a hill and into traffic with Jill tumbling after.

If your vehicle is facing downhill, turn your front wheels so that they are angled toward the curb. Obviously, the opposite will be true when you are facing uphill; in that case, turn your front wheels away from the curb so that your back wheel is resting against the curb and helping to keep your vehicle in place. If there is no curb, turn your wheels away from the street. Shun the street. Shuuuuuuuuuuuun.

Remember to always use your parking brake when stopped on a steep hill. Also, if you’ve got a couple of cinder blocks in your back seat, it probably couldn’t hurt to throw those behind your tires as well.

Colored Curbs

It’s time for more fun with colors!

A white curb indicates that you can only briefly park here, either to pick up or drop off passengers. If you need to drop the kids off at the pool, you may want to consider parking somewhere where you’ll have a little more time to do your thing.

Green curbs are also only for limited parking. The amount of time you may stay here will be posted either on a sign or on the curb itself. So if you’re parking here to run into Subway, maybe don’t take the time to get your sandwich toasted. I’m sure it won’t taste terrible cold.

This is a loading zone. Only park here if you’re loading or unloading, be it people or equipment. Taking your empty coffee cup from your car to the trashcan doesn’t count as “unloading.”

If you ain’t a bus, don’t park here. Even buses can only park in specified red zones. Aw, and red was your favorite color, too. Sad face.

We’re sure you’ve seen those handicapped symbols; they’re blue, right? What a coinkidink. Blue curbs are there for those who are disabled and have a special placard or license plate that verifies it. Seriously, don’t park here if you aren’t disabled; that’s about the most uncool thing you can do. It’s on par with purposefully tripping a blind nun. And you wouldn’t do that, would you?

You will often see a crosshatched area next to a disabled parking space. No parking here either. Unless you’re driving a zebra. You’re not.

Considering borrowing someone else’s placard or loaning yours out? We wouldn’t advise it. Any type of placard abuse—which also includes using a deceased person’s placard, using a placard when the disabled person to whom it was issued is not present, and flogging the placard relentlessly and without mercy—is a misdemeanor. You could be fined, and they might even throw you into county jail. Depending on how they treat you in there, you might need a handicapped placard by the time you get out.

Illegal Parking

As you have probably gleaned by now, there are many places you may not legally park your vehicle. On the steps of a public library or at the bottom of the Y’s swimming pool are a couple of examples. Here are a few more:

1. Anywhere a “No Parking” sign is posted. We sure wish these signs weren’t so darned vague.
2. Anywhere people may need to walk or drive. So... in a crosswalk or intersection, on a sidewalk, or blocking a sidewalk or driveway. Parking crossways in the middle of the road is also not so good.
3. In a disabled persons’ parking spot or near a ramp or curb for disabled persons. The general rule of thumb is: keep out of the way of those who really need to park close. Ignore this, and you may get thwacked by a cane. Some of those disabled people are pretty feisty.
4. In a space for zero-emission vehicles (assuming you are not driving one). If you’d like to park here so badly, why don’t you start caring about the environment first? Ooh, that was harsh. Below the belt. We take it back. Not.
5. Unless you see a sign that indicates otherwise, no parking inside tunnels or on bridges. Lord knows why you’d even try parking in one of those places anyway, unless you know of some secret passageway that we don’t. If that’s the case, please tell us. Pleeeeease.
6. Within 20ft of a crosswalk at an intersection.
7. Within 15ft of a fire hydrant or within 20ft to the entrance of a fire, ambulance, or rescue squad station (or within 75ft of a fire station driveway on the opposite side of the street; those suckers make WIDE turns).
8. On or within 50ft of a railroad crossing. You don’t want to be accused of putting the “loco” in “locomotive”.

Life is a Highway, I Want to Park on the Side of It
When you do have an emergency and need to park on the side of the freeway, make sure you’re moved all the way off the road and onto the shoulder so traffic can still get by. Keep your doors closed and locked (crime’s pretty bad in this neighborhood), and wait for help to arrive. Captain America is surely on his way!

10. No double-parking. That’s when you park right next to an already parked car because there are no open spaces. If everyone did that, there would be no street left.
11. On the wrong side of the street. Not sure what you’re doing over there to begin with. Get back over here, please.
12. On a freeway, although there a few exceptions to this. You can park on a freeway if you have an emergency, if you get pulled over by the police (you were going 10 in a 65 or vice versa), or if there is a sign that specifically allows you to stop there. But 99.9% of the time, you’ll want to get away from all of the whizzing cars before you bring your vehicle to a dead halt.
13. Within 30ft of any flashing signal, stop sign, or traffic signal.
14. Anywhere that would limit the remaining space on a road so much as to prevent other vehicles from travelling down the road safely.
15. On top of another vehicle. We know you miss bunk beds—who doesn’t?—, but this isn’t the proper way to deal with it.

Special Parking Rules

There are a few other special parking rules you should be aware of:

1. When parking at a curb on a level street, your tires should be parallel to the curb, and your vehicle must not be more than a foot-and-a-half away. Any more than that and it becomes less “parked car” and more “abandoned vehicle.”
2. Be sure that your car is actually stopped before exiting. This may seem like common sense, but since we’re telling you now, someone somewhere must have screwed that up.
3. When parked alongside the street, look for passing traffic before opening your door. You probably take your driver’s side door for granted, but you would certainly miss it if it were suddenly torn off its hinges.
4. If you are forced to leave your car on the side of a highway, be sure to leave a note on the windshield explaining the source of the problem, or else your vehicle may be towed. Also be sure to turn on your parking lights when leaving your vehicle in an area without streetlights or other lights, or use flashers.