These days, tests are still taken at the BMV, which makes sense. You have to go there anyway to get your smilin’ face inscribed on The Man’s computer banks. But when you go, take a careful look around. It’s likely that your grandkids won’t know what a BMV is—what do you think the odds are that in 30 years the tests are virtualized on computers, proctored on something like Skype, and with the driving exams being done by independent non-union contractors? The government just can’t afford to keep doing things the old-fashioned, expensive way that it has been…

Figure out which location is right for you here: http://bmv.ohio.gov/county_lst.stm.

Or, if you still live in The Stone Age, use that dialing machine and call 614-752-7500.

Like most government-run things, the BMV won’t test you after 4:30 local time.

And unlike schools in the Far East, you can’t cheat: no ink scrawls on your arm; no vocab words stored on your phone; not even a trained ant (or aunt) to crawl in front of you spelling out mnemonics.

If they catch you cheating, they will fail you immediately on the test, and some big woman will take you to the back room for a good spanking. It is likely that the BMV will put that fact in your file, and it will haunt you if you go back for another shot (the cheating, not the spanking—well, maybe the spanking, too).

The Exam I Am

Green eggs. Don’t eat them before the exam, Sam. Or ever; they’ve probably gone bad.

The purpose of the exam is to test you on these major categories:

• Written exam – Do you know the Ohio driving rules? Can you read and understand road signs, traffic signals, and highway markings? (Probably, considering you just read pages and pages of Shmoop pontificating on those subjects.)
• Vision exam – your eyeballs take an SAT test naming letters on an eye chart.
• Driving test – this is where you go with some poor dude who clearly did something bad in a former life and is being punished by having to face death daily at the hands of distracted teens. How would you like that gig?
• Life exam – Do you have any physical or mental handicaps that would affect your driving? If you’re missing both arms because you liked to play with fireworks a little too much when you were younger, chances are you won’t be able to get your license. HINT: it’s because you can’t reach the steering wheel.

For the test, you have to bring:

• Someone 21 or over who has a license (otherwise, like, how did you get your car there?).
• Proof of car insurance.
• A car that works. “Works” usually means that the tires, brake lights, directional signals brakes, steering, horn, mirror, etc. are all in good working condition. If your car is all busted up, The Man probably won’t let you take the driving test, and we don’t blame him; who wants to be driven around in a deathtrap by an unlicensed driver?
• License plates and proof of the vehicle’s registration. Maybe that clunker your dad has been restoring in the garage technically works fine, but if it isn’t a registered vehicle with its own license plates, you’re not gonna be allowed to use it for your driving test.
• Knowledge. You will have to know where to find the emergency lights, the headlights, the wipers, the defroster, and so on. Basic stuff. If you have been on Earth and driven with Mom and/or Dad ever at all, this part should be a snap.
• Proper identification, so the BMV knows who you are.
• Appropriate fees, as always.