First of all, it’s spelled B-O-L-O-G-N-A. Second, if you have racked up too many negligent driver points, your license will either be suspended or revoked by the DPS. You can apply for a new license at the end of this period, and hopefully you’ve changed your ways by then. Oh, sure, it starts with a few minor traffic violations here and there, but before you know it you’ll be committing grand larceny, bank fraud, and/or treason. We just don’t want to start seeing your name in the paper. Unless it’s for inventing some useful electronic gadget, or winning a peace prize. That would be pretty cool.

Each time you have a mark on your record, it stays there for five years (or longer, if you did something really shady). Your license can be suspended if you accumulate ten points within that five-year period. If you can put up 30 points in 42 minutes, you’ll probably make tonight’s highlight reel on ESPN.

Like a Vandal in the Wind

If you absolutely must destroy something, either break a pencil or beat up on your pillow. It’s far too costly to be caught doing anything worse, such as spray-painting graffiti onto the side of a bridge or keying your ex-boyfriend’s Mustang. If already licensed, you can lose your license for a couple years; if you’re not there yet, you can have the issuance of your license delayed for several years. And you’re going to need your license, because it sounds like you’ll have to be doing a lot of running from the authorities.

Here are a few examples of what can get you points on your driving record:

1-pointers

• Operating a defective vehicle

• Free throws, RBIs, PATs, and hockey and soccer goals

2-pointers

• Violation of license restriction

• Careless driving

• Speeding

• Failure to yield the right-of-way

• Failure to obey a stop sign or traffic light

• Driving left of center or the wrong way on a one way street

• Following too closely or improperly

• Slam dunks and safeties

3-pointers

• Speeding in excess of 25mph above the posted speed limit

• Field goals and any shot made from beyond the 3-point arc

4-pointers

• Reckless driving

• Failure to stop or remain stopped for a school bus loading or unloading