You will be confronted with many situations where you seem to be surrounded on all sides by activity. Either you have gone off road and driven into the middle of a carnival, or it’s simply another busy day on the streets of America.

Splitting the Difference

When you are facing potential dangers on both sides of the road, do your best to “split the difference” by keeping roughly equal distance from each. An exception to this would be if a horny African elephant has broken free from the local zoo and is running wildly along the right shoulder. Then you should slightly favor the left side of your lane. Please don’t ask how we know that; it’s a sensitive subject.

Dealing with Lunatics

As with anywhere else you may go in this world, you are very often going to be surrounded by lunatics. Unfortunately, in this case they are behind the wheels of massive machines of death; you’d do best to steer clear of them.

People who hail from Crazytown are not the only problem drivers you will encounter, however. You must also watch out for:

1. Drivers who may have trouble spotting your vehicle because their view is blocked by any number of objects. Like an open trunk of recently purchased yard sale furniture or the gargantuan head of their freakishly large son in the back seat.
2. Drivers whose windows are coated with snow or ice. Igloos are not meant to hurtle down freeways at 60 mph.
3. Drivers who practice unsafe passing maneuvers, such as passing you on a curve or when there is oncoming traffic. There is a word for these people, but our sense of decency prevents us from divulging it.
4. Drivers who are forced into your lane for one reason or another. Perhaps their lane is ending, or perhaps some jerk a couple of lanes over has swerved toward them, causing them to react quickly
5. Pedestrians whose vision is obscured, because they have umbrellas masking their faces, hats pulled down low over their eyes, or white sheets with two holes cut out draped over their bodies. To be fair, you only have to worry about this last one on Halloween or when driving through downtown Mobile.
6. People who are distracted and may not be paying as much attention to you as you should be paying to them. This includes delivery people, construction workers, children, drivers who are talking on their cell phones, drivers who are dealing with their children, drivers who are looking at maps or trying to find house numbers, and drivers who keep circling the block to get another look at the front lawn sunbather in the two-piece. Doesn’t she know it’s cold outside?