Punctuation Introduction

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Like grammar nerds like to say, punctuation is a matter of life and death. There's a huge difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma."

Ba-dum ching!

Yes, grammarians can also be cornballs. But grammar truly is a matter of life and death… of your dignity as a writer. And as a human being.

You could write that, "Rachel Ray finds inspiration in cooking her family and her dog." Oof.

You could post a sign in the disabled/family restroom at your establishment that reads "Attention: toilet only for disabled elderly pregnant children." Oof. Oof. And also—what?!

And it ain't just commas that spell the difference between cannibalism and family dining or embarrassment and writing proficiency.

Without periods, you could end up writing "I have two hours to kill someone come hang out." (Terrifying.)

Overindulgence in quotation marks could have you saying that your restaurant serves the best "chicken" in town, leading hungry would-be patrons to think "Uh, what is that chicken really made out of?"

Basically, all punctuation is there for a reason. It shows degrees of separation and emphasis. In fact, when you think about it, punctuation symbols are a lot like road signs. No, they're not huge and green. They tell your reader when to look alive and anticipate, when to slow down, and when to come to a complete stop.

Simply put, punctuation symbols are a powerful tool. Use them to get your audience to read your writing exactly how you want it to be read. Feel the power!

Disclaimer

Punctuation is, uh, kind of made up.

See, it was originally used to help people know when to pause in a sentence. Comma was a short pause, semi-colon was a longer pause, and period was a full stop. So who are we to tell you that YOU CANNOT USE A COMMA THERE?

Plus, with the thousand ways we now have to communicate, punctuation is always changing. Remember when a period didn't mean you were angry? Those were the days.

Bottom line: take everything everyone says about punctuation with a grain of salt. Yes, you need to pass your grammar exam, but you don't need to deal with grammar tyrants.

Quiz Yourself on Punctuation

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You are drafting your first essay for your English class. The prompt asks you to write a narrative telling a story of how you developed one of your fears. You write about your unfortunate first encounter with that blood-curdlingly terrifying species known as the squirrel. Which of the following passages does not belong in your narrative essay?

(A) Then he jumped on me! Squirrels are the most swift and vicious animals that have ever lived!
(B) When the squirrel bit into my arm, I screamed, "Ouch! I'm going to die!"
(C) You will never believe what happened next—the rest of the squirrel's family came after me!
(D) I ran quickly, seeking refuge. Eureka! I spotted a mossy pond, which kept the feisty family at bay.

Which of the following sentences is grammatically incorrect?

(A) She screamed, "Give me back my remote control Hummer this instant!"
(B) He responded to the server, "You call this puny thing Gino's Ginormous Burrito?"
(C) Your broke my heart, so I deserve more than just "I'm sorry"!
(D) What do you think the caterer meant by "I think we can get your order done in time?"

Which choice is grammatically incorrect?

(A) Every Easter, the Millers host an Easter egg hunt in their backyard for all of kids in our neighborhood. The Millers are very generous people.
(B) After this year's hunt, all but one of the children passed out on the porch in a sugar-induced coma, he stole Mr. Miller's car and left.
(C) The police quickly began tracking Harold, the boy who stole the car; he led them on a manhunt that spanned three counties.
(D) While I stuffed my face with peanut butter eggs, I watched the dramatic chase unfold on CNN with my husband. Little Harold? He was finally apprehended just outside of Atlanta.

Choose the option that accurately describes the statement below. 


Uncle Bill is my favorite family member because he has some pretty odd hobbies—extreme ironing, competitive dog grooming, and campanology.


(A) The dash should be replaced with a colon.
(B) The dash is the correct form of punctuation for the sentence.
(C) The dash is too dramatic for the topic of the sentence.
(D) Both A and C are correct.

Which of the following options uses quotation marks correctly? 

I. A huge Chicago Bears fan, Grandpa Leroy once told me, "The wise Vince Lombardi once said, 'Football is like life,' but I would argue that football is life. Literally nothing else matters." 

II. I once had a chat with the Geico gecko, who charmingly told me, "You deserve a better car insurance rate." How could he not tell that I am only ten years old? 

III. Kara whispered, "She said that he said, 'Yeah, I like her,' with a shrug, but my other sources say he said it with a huge smile on his face. What is a girl to believe?"

(A) I
(B) I and II
(C) II and III
(D) All of them

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