- With all the evil elements of his plan complete, Count Olaf stops the performance of The Marvelous Marriage and announces that Violet is now his wife—for real.
- The audience is in shock, but Count Olaf explains it all: Violet has said "I do" in front of a judge and signed a marriage document. Done and done.
- Justice Strauss counters that the document was just a stage prop, but nope—Count Olaf went and got an official document from City Hall. Clever.
- Justice Strauss is forced to admit that the marriage is valid; Count Olaf is Violet's husband and has complete control of her estate.
- At the mention of money, Mr. Poe rushes forward—this simply can't be.
- Oh, but it is. Justice Strauss apologizes to the children; she never meant for this to happen.
- Count Olaf wants to clear out with his new bride, but Klaus demands he let Sunny go first. He radios the hook-handed man on the walkie-talkie, but the children know he's not done terrorizing them yet.
- Mr. Poe is still furious, but Count Olaf tells him that he'll be by the bank the next morning to cash out the entire Baudelaire fortune. It's insanity, but it's totally legal.
- Just then, Violet interjects that maybe it's actually not legal. Huh?
- See, the law specifically says that the bride must sign the document in her "own hand." Violet is right-handed, but she signed the paper with her left hand. Ha.
- Count Olaf says this doesn't matter—the document was signed, and it doesn't matter which hand Violet used.
- But Mr. Poe asks Justice Strauss to intervene; she is the legal expert here. After thinking for a moment, Justice Strauss decides that Violet is right: The marriage isn't binding because Violet didn't sign with her right hand.
- Count Olaf is furious, but he tells Violet that she will marry him or he'll have Sunny dropped.
- Just then, Sunny comes on stage. Remember? He already released her.
- Well, Count Olaf says, you're still my children.
- Mr. Poe is all oh no they're not—he's not going to let the Baudelaires hang around with this madman after everything he's seen tonight.
- Justice Strauss agrees and she says that the children are welcome to stay with her. Now will someone please arrest Count Olaf?
- At this point, the narrator lets us know that it's okay to stop reading. If we want a happy ending where the Baudelaire orphans wind up living with Justice Strauss while Count Olaf goes to jail, we can just close the book right now.
- But sadly, that's not how this story truly ends.
- One of Count Olaf's associates—the important-looking man with warts on his face—turns off all the lights in the theater; everyone is in total darkness and chaos.
- In the confusion, Count Olaf and his associates manage to escape, but not before he utters one last threat to Violet: He will steal their fortune, and then he'll kill all three of them with his bare hands. Yikes!
- When the lights come back on, Count Olaf is gone. Mr. Poe calls the police, but it's no use since no one saw where he went.
- Mr. Poe also has more bad new for the Baudelaires: He can't let them stay with Justice Strauss. Their parents' will specifically states that a relative must raise them and Justice Strauss is not related to them. Bummer.
- The book ends with the three children in the back of Mr. Poe's car, driving away from Justice Strauss and toward an unknown future.
- See? It's kind of a downer ending.