People Let Me Tell You 'Bout My Best Friend…

The following is a transcript of some text messages that were sent between one Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel and one Friedrich Wilhelm Joseph Schelling. These texts document the rise and fall of their epic friendship.

Hegel: Hey, Roomie!
Schelling: 'Ello! Love our place. Philosophy Party Central up in seminary school. Whaaaaat!
Hegel: Omigod. So obsessed with the French Revolution right now.
Schelling: Ditto for realz
Hegel: Wanna go watch Napoleon occupy Germany?
Schelling: Heck yes!
…
Schelling: Hey, Hölderlin and I are so into Kant right now.
Hegel: Meh, doesn't do anything for me.
…
Hegel: Hey, I really need a job.
Schelling: I can totally hook you up. I'm working at the University of Jena.
Hegel: Sweet! Thanks, bro. Also, I'm all about Kant nowadays.
Schelling: I'm happy for you.
Hegel: Hey, wanna teach joint lectures?!
Schelling: Sure!
Hegel: Hey, wanna start this "Critical Journal of Philosophy" with me?!
Schelling: Sure!
…
Schelling: Dude, heading to Würzburg. Can't mess around on this philosophy journal with you anymore.
Hegel: What!? But it's our baby!
Schelling: It was mostly your thing anyway.
…
Hegel: Dude, my first big book of my very own ideas is coming out. Write the forward for it?
Schelling: Love to! Send it along.
Schelling: Umm… are you like, trash talking my theories in your book?
Schelling: Hello?
….
Schelling: Dude, why did you tear apart my lecture of fine arts in your critique?
…
Schelling: Okay, so I guess we're just going to publicly rail on each other till we die then?
Hegel: Yep.
Schelling: Game on.
…
Schelling: I inherited your celebrated teaching post at Berlin when you died. So there.
Hegel: People are still talking about me? Immortality FTW.