Raising Helen: Helen of Troy's Blog

Beauty 101: Quick Tips to Launch Ships

A lot of you ladies have been writing for centuries trying to get a few beauty tips from me—Helen—the most gorgeous woman ever to place her dainty toes on the surface of the earth. I didn't mean to be rude or stuck-up by not answering your letters until now; it's just that I've really had to think about all the things that went into the creation of the absolute perfection that is me. Anyway, here's what I figured out…

(1) Be born from an egg.

(2) Be the daughter of Zeus, preferably conceived while he was in the form of a beautiful bird like a swan.

(3) Be a princess, preferably from one of the A-list city-states like Sparta.

(4) Be pampered and adored from the day you're born—a must.

(5) Have every man you meet fall in love with you.

(6) Have at least one war fought over you. It's great for the self-esteem. I actually had two: the whole Trojan thing, of course, and then the Athenian one (when my brothers, Castor and Polydeuces, rescued me from that old fart, Theseus).

And there you have it. Don't worry if you can't do all of these things. Not everybody can be as ravishingly gorgeous as me. If you can't manage all of these things, you should probably... um, I don't know... get some makeup or a facelift or something. Yay, me! ;)

Special Announcement!

Yes, it's true. The Real Housewives of Elysium is a total go! Lord Hades gave it the green light just yesterday, and the cameras will be rolling soon. The show will follow the ever-so-interesting lives of my fabulous self, Odysseus's wife Penelope, and my psychotic…ahem, lovely sister Clytemnestra. Will there be drama? You better believe it. So if you ever wondered what it's like to be part of the top 1% of Underworld, you absolutely must tune in.

Is He Mr. Right, Mr. Wrong, or Mr. Not So Much?

Everybody knows I've had a pretty bumpy love life. These days I'm settled down with Menelaus—and that's fine by me. Let me tell you, ladies, I've seen it all, done it all, and had enough. But for all you girls out there who are still on the hunt for Mr. Right, I've made a couple lists of questions that you really ought to ask yourself before you start fanning the flames of love. So keep on reading if want a piece of all this wisdom. That's right: wisdom. I'm not just a pretty face. I'm a pretty brain too!

Things to Ask Yourself Before Getting Married

(1) Does he listen?

(2) Is he kind?

(3) Can he hold a conversation?

(4) Are you only marrying him because your father expects it of you?

(5) Is he the type of guy who would go off to some other island and sleep with a nymph and then act like you're horrible just because you run off with somebody who really understands you, who sees you as more than just a breathtakingly gorgeous woman, who understands that underneath you're strikingly intelligent, intensely fragile, and beautifully flawed?

Things to Ask Yourself Before Having an Affair

(1) Does he really love you, or are you just an object of conquest?

(2) Will he be there when it really counts?

(3) Does he fill out his armor?

(4) If your husband brought an army to take you back after you ran away with him, would he fight like a real man, or just be a little sniveling wuss and hide behind the walls of his big ugly city?

(5) Do you have a secret suspicion that he may have gotten Aphrodite to make you fall in love with him because he judged her as the most beautiful in a contest between the love goddess, Athena, and Hera?