The first paragraph of the Monroe Doctrine takes the long way around to the first major statement of the text. Continuing from an earlier topic of the speech, Monroe spends several lines talking about how the U.S. has been in negotiations with Russia over how to handle territory in the Pacific Northwest.

Because everyone wants a slice of that sweet, sweet Starbucks-and-Microsoft-laden Northwestern pie.

Okay, so that's not the most engaging way to start an important historical text, but remember, the Monroe Doctrine starts about a third of the way into another, longer speech. Monroe didn't need to get his audience's attention at this point. And let's face it, if the president can't keep Congress' attention in the annual address to Congress, he's really got problems.

The paragraph finishes, though, with the first major tenet of the Monroe Doctrine: that the Americas are no longer available for further European colonization. Those lines about Russia serve as a launching point for this big statement. As Latin American countries broke free from Spain, and the U.S. started to expand westward, Monroe makes sure that the Old World can't re-take any of the land for themselves and expand their empires in the western hemisphere. Pretty big words from a former one of those colonies.