The Reverend Doctor Lionel Jason David Jones, D.D.S., D.D. …
- Biography time.
- Campbell tells us he's indebted to the resources of the Haifa Institute in providing him the material for this bio.
- Reverend Jones was not a war criminal, but the institute kept tabs on him nonetheless.
- Here's what we know.
- Jones comes from a family of dentists.
- Jones was studying to be a dentist, too, but, umm, there was a hiccup: in all of the answers to his exam questions on teeth, he would start off fine but then go off on a crazy tangent writing things like Jews, Blacks, Catholics, Asians all have bad teeth and jaws and that means they're bad and I don't like them because I'm dumb.
- Okay, Jones didn't write that he, himself, was dumb, but his examiners were sort of like, What even is this?
- The examiners gave Jones second and third chances at school. Then they found guns under his bed. They said please leave, so he did. No degree awarded.
- Jones started work for a funeral home, did well, invented some chemicals for preserving the dead, and married his boss's wife when the hubby died.
- Jones and wife were happy. While he was married, he didn't say scary, kill-everyone things.
- Mrs. Jones died.
- Jones started the newspaper The White Christian Minuteman. It made no money, and he lost all his other money in the stock market crash of 1929.
- This is not good.
- Jones answers an ad in another newspaper: they need a new president for a school that trains funeral directors to embalm the dead.
- Sweet.
- Jones gets the gig and again marries the widowed wife that was left behind. Precious. Gag.
- The school is in debt. Jones changes it to a new institution called the Western Hemisphere University of the Bible, and he sells Ph.Ds. in divinity for $80—no classes, no teachers, just fake cred. What a stand-up guy.
- Jones gives himself a Ph.D., too. Why not?
- Dude starts up his pet project again, but this time his newspaper looks swanky as all get-out. Surprise: Jones's got funding from Hitler and articles from all over the place.
- Campbell thinks it's even possible that Jones published some of the propaganda Campbell had to create for Germany.
- Jones is arrested in 1942 for being a butt. Official charge is that he's actively working against the ideals that the U.S. Armed Forces are fighting for.
- Jones goes to jail. He gets out in seven years a very rich man because his two inventions have made bank.
- Jones goes back to his gross newspaper.
- Why is Campbell writing out this bio? To show 1) that Jones was nuts and dumb as a box of rocks, and 2) that Campbell—unlike Jones—is not either of those things.
- On the other hand, Campbell's bosses were also a couple of Joneses, but Campbell followed orders anyway.