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shmoopin the Bible 2 Samuel all right hey y'all Cecil B deShmoop here with [Cecil B sat by a fire]

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another edition of shmoopin the Bible sit back take a load off loosen those

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Bible belts ahead and here we go 2 Samuel for those of us keeping score at [A belt around the US]

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home yes Samuel did kick the bucket in 1 Samuel so even though Samuel isn't [Samuel kicks a bucket and it hits him in the face]

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actually in this book it's still named after him [Ghost Samuel appears]

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though why it's not called Samuel 2 electric Boogaloo we'll never know all [Samuel skating at a disco]

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right well anyway when we last met King Saul had just died and it looked like

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David was finally gonna take the throne the only thing in his way now is ishbal [David creeping round in a balaclava]

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one of Saul's sons but for not if we learn anything it's that the guy [David fighting Ishbaal]

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anointed by God is usually going to end up on top and while ishbal is many [Ishbaal is crushed by a giant foot]

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things son of a dead King recipient of a pretty cool name seriously say that a

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few times Ishbaal Ishbaal anointed this guy ain't [List of Ishbaal's stats]

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beheaded he is I wonder if he knew he was headed for trouble [Ishbaal being executed]

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haha surely he got a heads up what I want I got to spice this up somehow [Pun police next to Cecil]

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anyway David takes the throne before you can say stop making head puns they're [David runs away with the throne]

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not that funny to which I say alright no need to lose your head yeah alright [Cecil's head falls off]

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David's reign begins when he's thirty and he ends up ruling for another forty

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years so spoiler alert no Game of Thrones style regicide to be found here [David wearing sun glasses on the throne]

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but for those of you craving a little drama here is where things get juicy one

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day David's out and about taking a walk on the palace rooftop because well

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footpaths are for squares on his totally normal rooftop stroll David happens to [David is stunned]

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see a beautiful woman bathing a few rooftops away giggity apparently hanging [Woman in a bath tub with a rubber duck]

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out on the roof was pretty trendy back then anyway David gets the hots for this

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woman and he's pretty bummed out that he can't talk to her because it's not like [David on Facebook]

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he can do whatever he wants because he's the king or anything oh wait so David

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sends a messenger to bring her to him because he's one smooth ladies man our

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mysterious rooftop lady happens to be Bathsheba and she just happens to be [Arrows point to a bath, the woman and a sheep]

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married to Uriah one of David's generals who just happens [Uriah is hit by arrows]

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to be away fighting yeah you can probably see where this is going David

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knows Bathsheba you know in the biblical sense and in a plot twist no one could

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have seen coming she ends up pregnant at first David tries bringing Uriah back

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from the war so he can sleep with Bathsheba [David on the phone to Uriah]

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that way Uriah will just figure he's the daddy and no one will be the wiser

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but there's one problem Uriah is a stand-up guy and refuses to [Uriah and Bathsheba in seperate beds]

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sleep with his wife saying it would be wrong while his men are away fighting

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all of you rise men are like dude seriously but I'm sure deep down they

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would have done the same David knows that he has no choice but to take the [Soldiers going into a brothel]

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noble path and confess to sleeping with Uriah's wife and accept any

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consequences that may come ha just kidding he totally doesn't do that he [The angle on David's shoulder is replaced by the devil]

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has Uriah killed instead david sends a letter to another general Joab

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it basically says yo Joab do me a solid and put Uriah right into the scariest [Joab reading his letter delivered by the Cam-Mail express]

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part of the battle but then well just kind of leave him there okay like just

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backed away from him he'll probably be ok he's a scrappy dude and Joab is like

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well so basically murder this guy yeah okay

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sounds cool so Uriah is basically murdered Bathsheba is pretty upset about [Uriah still being hit by arrows when he's dead]

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her husband dying but luckily for her good guy David is willing to take her

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into his home and marry her now someone give this guy a sainthood or something [Bathsheba crying in bed while David proposes]

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so now David sitting pretty Uriah is dead he and Bathseba are registered at Bed

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Bath and Beyond and all as well there's just one little problem

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what was it again oh yeah God well currently God isn't super thrilled that [God sat at his desk]

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David slept with another man's wife had said man killed and then married dead

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guys pregnant wife shocker right well so God's like I can't really let this one [God speaking to David]

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slide but I want to be cool about this so let's just say that your house will

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always be at war someone close to you will sleep with your wives and oh that [David looking annoyed]

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Bathsheba's first son will end up dying cool cool

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well presumably Bathsheba is like seriously luckily though she has another

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son named Solomon and keep that name in mind he's gonna be kind of a big deal [Solomon written on a brain]

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down the line through the next several chapters David has to deal with one of

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his sons Absalom trying to usurp him and

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take his kingdom while Absalom also eventually sleeps with the king's [Absalom in a hot tub with 3 women]

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concubines fulfilling the second part of God's punishment David's not super

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pleased by this but well in the immortal words of Taylor Swift don't say he [Taylor Swift on a camel]

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didn't say he didn't warn you yeah and no I'm not saying God is a swifty okay

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but he could be if he wanted to anyway David eventually stops the rebellion [Taylor Swift music coming down from the sky]

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with God's help and Joab kills Absalom because Joab is pretty into

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killing things and yeah things start to look pretty good again but alas David

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does one thing that God just cannot stand he conducts a census nope I'm not [A Census appears out of flames]

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kidding he literally conducts the census I'm pretty sure that's number two on

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God's no no less right after the whole forbidden fruit thing so God gives David [Don't conduct a census on God's no no list]

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a choice of punishments three years of famine three months of running from his

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enemies three days of pestilence or three hours of listening to Justin [David tied to a chair listening to Justin Bieber]

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Bieber on a loop David's like baby baby baby no and chooses three days of

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pestilence okay fine one of those wasn't a real punishment choice but we made up

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the famine thing so God is like excellent choice and unleashes a [A door opens and bugs fly out]

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three-day pestilence which kind of interrupts the day-to-day lives of most

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people more specifically that 10,000 people who end up dying [Someone's burger is eaten by the locusts]

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David naturally feels pretty bad about this pestilence thing saying that it

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should be his punishment only not all of Israel's so he does what we all do when

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we're feeling guilty he builds an altar sacrifices an ox and lo and behold God [David hitting an ox with an axe]

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ends the plague on Israel also he ends the second book of Samuel yeah pretty [Someone eating their buger]

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abrupt ending I'm guessing Samuel 2 electric Boogaloo would have had a more

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satisfying conclusion probably on rollerskates but we'll take what we can [All the characters at a roller skate disco]

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get

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