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Things Fall Apart, a la Shmoop. You think you've got daddy issues? Try growing

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up with my Pops, Okonkwo < Oh-kawn-kwoh>.

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I was never good enough for “Mr. Big Successful Yam Farmer,” no-siree. He was always after

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me to be tougher, manlier, and better with power tools. I think he wanted me to be a

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mini-version of him, which is certainly rich, because Okonkwo sure didn’t win any “Father

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of the Year” awards.

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Need an example? Check this out....Okonkwo sort of inherited this hostage kid from another

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tribe…

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…which was okay, because Ikemefuna <Ee-keh-meh-foo-nah> turned out to be a pretty cool dude. Dad liked

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him, too. In fact, he liked Ike a lot more than he liked me. …

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…But that still didn't stop him from going all Texas Chainsaw Massacre when the tribe

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decided to kill Ike. You see, Dad didn't want the guys to think he was weak, so he let his

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machete do the talking. Nobody really wanted to get on Okonkwo’s bad side after that…

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Dad was really big on respect. Is one of your wives talking back to you? Use her for target

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practice.

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Did a lowly peon dare to disagree with you during a meeting? Call him a lady. Yep, Okonkwo

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was quite the charmer. "Nwoye,” (Nuh-woh-yeh) he used to say, "I yam what I yam." Well,

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actually I couldn't hear what he said over the sounds of his fist hitting me repeatedly,

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but I'm sure he meant something along those lines.

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In fact, the only person he gave a fig about, besides the adopted son he sliced in half,

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was his daughter Ezinma < Eh-zeen-mah>.

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I know, her name sounds like a skin condition, but she's my half-sister, so watch it. When

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she got sick, Okonkwo was all, "I'll save you!" and made her a special medicine. The

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guy never so much as gave me a Band-Aid. But karma finally caught up with Okonkwo when

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he shot a kid during a tribal “21 gun salute.” Unfortunately, there aren’t a whole lot

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of gun safety classes in Nigeria.

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Since he didn't mean to whack the kid, he only got 7 years of exile from the village.

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Naturally, I started planning the mother of all house parties, but it turns out I had

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to go with him into the boonies.

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News from the home front wasn't great...apparently the whites took out a bunch of neighboring

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villagers that killed a tourist. Or maybe it was a missionary. The villagers didn't

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really investigate. Anyway, those pesky evangelists started trickling

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into our neighborhood…

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… and their peace and love spiel sounded a lot better than my dad’s "slice and dice"

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policy. Plus, those missionaries had some really good mojo, because they voluntarily

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decided to live in the Evil Forest…

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…and they didn't die horrible deaths! I was kind of impressed, but I knew dad would

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kill me if I hung out with the Christians. Then he actually did try to kill me, so I

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decided to cut my losses and join the missionary school. That oughtta fix his little red wagon!

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When Pops got back after his 7 year timeout, he was super-angry to find the white man taking

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over his stomping grounds and changing things up in a big way. There was a serious culture

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clash...they insulted our gods…

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…so we burned their church. That little shenanigan landed Okonkwo in prison for a

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while.

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The minute he got out of the slammer, Dad was on fire for revenge, and he got pretty

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P.O.ed that no one wanted to back him up. So, he killed himself.

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The tribe was really upset about it, but they still knuckled under to the missionaries,

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and all Okonkwo’s efforts got him was a paragraph in a white guy's book.

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Sure, my dad was a jerk, but in the end, he deserved more respect than he died with. So

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long, Pops. This yam’s for you.

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