Interview with Renenutet
A Correspondence with Hapi
To: LordoftheNile@Egyptomania.com
From: HarvestHottie@Egyptomania.com
Subject: Help me out here!
Hapi,
I know you're the god of the Nile, so don't pretend like you don't know how ticked off I am with you—I've already sent you a few physical messages via boats, but you haven't responded. I'm the goddess of the harvest and a lady who helps promise good luck! Why haven't you let the river flood its banks yet? Egypt needs the Nile to flood so all the mineral-rich soil can come up and spread itself over the banks. The Inundation keeps soil fertile so people can plant crops.
Come on—it's only fair. I vouched for you when you cheated playing poker last week with Osiris. He wanted to give you an Underworld Underpants-ing, but I told him it was me who did it, and that I'd spit fire at you if he didn't leave you alone.
—Renenutet
To: HarvestHottie@Egyptomania.com
From: LordoftheNile@Egyptomania.com
Re: Help me out here!
Renenutet,
You did cheat at poker. I didn't. That's why I'm not flooding the Nile.
—Unhappy Hapi
To: LordoftheNile@Egyptomania.com
From: HarvestHottie@Egyptomania.com
Re: Help me out here!
Hapi, are you serious? I saw your extra poker chips in the bottom of your potato chip bag. That was a whole lotta nonsense.
Even if you're made at me, please don't take it out on those poor Egyptians. What did they ever do to hurt you?
To: HarvestHottie@Egyptomania.com
From: LordoftheNile@Egyptomania.com
Re: Help me out here!
Uh, don't you remember Akhenaten's reign? He spent so much time ignoring all the old gods in favor of the Aten that I thought the Nile was going to dry up forever, since I was so ticked off at him. Those Egyptians turned up their noses at us!
To: LordoftheNile@Egyptomania.com
From: HarvestHottie@Egyptomania.com
Re: Help me out here!
Yeah, well, I'm not holding it against them anymore. So neither should you. Flood the Nile, Hapi, or I'll tell Pharaoh that you're too busy playing "pin the tail on the Vizier" to bother.
To: HarvestHottie@Egyptomania.com
From: LordoftheNile@Egyptomania.com
Fine. Flooded. Get out your Nilometers, everyone.
A Correspondence with Wadjet
To: fangingout@nileloving.com
From: HarvestHottie@Egyptomania.com
Subject: You and me
Hey, Wadj. I hope all's going well with you.
I was just trying to figure out how we're different, exactly. I mean, we're both the uraeus that protects the pharaoh, but how are we not one god?
XOX,
R
From: fangingout@nileloving.com
To: HarvestHottie@Egyptomania.com
Re: You and me
Well, for one, you're the mistress of granaries and oversee the harvest and fertility and stuff. Think about it—who better to protect grain from mice and critters than a snake?
Look, we have a job in common, and we're good at it. Why worry?
To: fangingout@nileloving.com
From: HarvestHottie@Egyptomania.com
Re: You and me
I guess that's fair. See you on the pharaoh's crown!