Believe it or not, human beings survived and progressed for thousands of years before the creation of the cell phone. What that means is that there is never anything so dire that it can’t wait until you are pulled off the road to make a phone call or text about it. When your vehicle is stopped, you can lol and ttyl to your heart’s content.

Once you are no longer a minor (which is in, like, a million years), you may make phone calls as long as you are utilizing a hands-free device. But until that time, it is entirely off limits while your engine is running. If someone calls you, don’t answer it. They have this brand new thing called a “voicemail,” and it’s sweeping the nation. Don’t be the last one to hop on the “voicemail” bandwagon. We’re air-quoting “voicemail” because it’s such a hip, new feature on phones; we don’t fully understand what it does, yet.

Even when a driver is using a hands-free device, he or she still should not use it when driving through construction zones or dealing with any other sort of poor road conditions. Do not talk on the phone if it means that your focus on the road will be sacrificed or compromised. So if you can’t pat your head and rub your tummy at the same time, you’re not the type of person who should phone and drive.

At no time should you text message while driving. Doesn’t matter if you’re the National Texting Champ and can compose a transcription of the Gettysburg Address with your eyes closed. Still can’t do it. And besides, you shouldn’t be driving with your eyes closed anyway.