Dear Diary,

I can't help but look back on my life with a little bit of regret. Did I do the right things? Was it all worth it? Everybody remembers me as a psychopath, but I had reasons for what I did. Good reasons.

When I castrated my Dad, Ouranos, and took his crown, it was my Mom, Gaia who told me to do it. Aren't you supposed to do what your mother tells you? She even gave me the sickle! Dad had imprisoned my brothers, the Cyclopes and Hekatonkheires, deep inside of Mom, and she was in a ton of pain. Did Gaia deserve to suffer? It had to be done, right? Right?

Don't get me wrong. I don't blame Dad for locking those guys up. I locked them up myself once I had the power. They were seriously horrific. Those ugly one-eyed Cyclopes, the Hekatonkheires with their hundred arms and fifty heads—disgusting.

But at least when I locked them up, I put them in Tartarus, where Mom couldn't feel them.

I was a good ruler. I really was! When I was in charge, everybody called it the Golden Age. How come nobody ever talks about that, huh?

Dear Diary,

I'm really tired of everybody thinking I'm such a bad guy for eating my own children. I mean, seriously, wouldn't pretty much everybody do the same thing in my position. What was I supposed to do?

Ouranos told me that I would be deposed by one of my kids just the way I'd taken power from him. So every time my dearest Rhea popped out another one, down the hatch they went. Hera, Hestia, Demeter, Hades, Poseidon—I loved them all, but I'd brought about the Golden Age. Was I supposed to give all that up for a few little godlings?

To this day, I can't understand how I didn't see through Rhea's trick. When she gave me a stone to swallow instead of Zeus, I should have known. I should have known! Why didn't I find Zeus as he was growing up in that cave? I'm Time! I'm everywhere.

Oh, well... regrets, regrets, regrets. Deep thought: maybe it's not Time that devours all...maybe, it's Regret.

Dear Diary,

No card for Father's Day. I guess my kids still hate me. Big surprise.

Dear Diary,

Tried to message Rhea on Facebook again today, and she's still being mean. Yes I ate our kids, but can't we let bygones be bygones? Seriously, haven't I been punished enough?

Zeus slit me open and snatched his brothers and sisters out. He beat me and my fellow Titans in battle—totally humiliating. He took my crown and threw me into Tartarus. Ugh, Tartarus. So much darkness. So horrible. Sometimes I'm afraid to close my eyes, because it brings back the dark again.

I'm so lonely. So, so lonely. I can't even get a date on match.com. As soon as anybody sees my name, they go, "Oh the guy that castrated his father and ate his babies. I think I'll pass."

Sometimes I wish I could reverse time and change it all. Wait a second… I'm the god of time! Maybe I can do that! Hold on a second, I'm going to try it right now.

Nope, didn't work.

Dear Diary,

How cool is it that the planet named after me has rings? Just sayin'.

Dear Diary,

Another day in the Elysian Islands. The beach is nice enough, I guess. The sand is super white sand; of course, maybe that's because it's made of ground-up bones. Even the happy places of the Underworld are just a little dismal.

But, hey, can I really complain? Anything is better than Tartarus, and this isn't such a bad job, right? Ruling over the blessed dead is a pretty cushy retirement. Maybe Zeus isn't as horrible as I used to think… maybe.