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Julius Caesar a la shmoop hello my name is Julius Caesar and I'm [Julius Caesar speaking]

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addicted to power well I feel better already

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I'm so glad Pluto is putting money into these underworld self-help programs yeah

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okay so now I'm supposed to tell my story right well I guess you could say I

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hit rock bottom when some of the most prominent men in Rome got together and [Men stabbing Caesar]

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decided to you know stab me to death yeah can I blame them of course I blame

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them Cassius Brutus sniveling cowards I'll

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crush your bones into what I mean well I only got what I deserved for trying to

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gain total power over Rome with no reasoning yep totally what I meant yeah

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sorry there guys anyway I'd just gotten back from

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stomping my enemies the sons of Pompei and I was riding high on my victory the [Victory parade of Rome]

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people loved me seriously they crammed the streets after that kind of reception

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was it really so wrong of me to want to be Emperor come on the people who wanted

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it the power was mine to be had mine mine mine oh I mean no um how terrible

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of me to want to take advantage of the people's adoration to consolidate my

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power and destroy the Roman Republic how could I so selfish but there's no

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denying that my pride got the better of me a soothsayer even warned me too

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yeah that's what they said and I was too full of myself to listen though I [Caesar throws man away]

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probably would have paid more attention if he'd said anyway if I hadn't been so

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busy thinking about how great I was I would have known that there was a

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conspiracy coming against me Cassius was running all over Rome convincing other

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senators that it'd be fun to turn me into a pincushion

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he even turned Brutus against me Brutus my old buddy oh that one hurt well

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Brutus didn't like that I was trying to take over Rome but he also couldn't like

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idea of assassinating me yeah gee thanks pal but eventually Cassius brought him

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around with the help of some fake letters from fake citizens with fake [Brutus reading letters]

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concerns about my admittedly true tyrannical aspirations but come on do

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tyrannical aspirations really deserve assassination maybe a timeout or no

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dessert with dinner assassination just seems extreme here well by the time

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March 15th rolls around Cassius had a platoon of senators itching to poke me

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full of holes oh if only I hadn't been so full of myself while I would have

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seen the signs you know that song [Caesar singing with Gaddafi and Hussein]

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different song different sign too I even had warnings on the day of an old man

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tried to pass me a note warning me of the assassination but he was old and

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weird so I you know shoot him away well my wife told me she dreamt that I was a

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statue spurting blood from lots of holes and I told her to stop eating cheese at

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night seriously night cheese always gives her funky dreams and funky you

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know other things and somehow I let one of the conspirators convince me that her [Conspiratory appears beside Caesar]

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crazy dream meant well I was gonna be crowned king that day because all kings

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spirt blood or something and I'm still fuzzy on the logic there but it sounded

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good at the time I was spurting it was good good spurt needless to say things

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went badly after that I showed up to the Senate and got stabbed to death in the [People stab Caesar]

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middle of a speech and yet even Brutus got in on the skewering and the last

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thing I heard was my wife yelling I told you it wasn't the cheese talking yeah

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well rome was never the same and neither was the carpet blood stains are really

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tough to get out well of course things didn't go so well for Brutus and Cassius

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after I kicked the bucket my only real friend Marc Antony rallied the people

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against them and as it turns out the people were totally cool with being

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ruled by a tyrannical dictator as long as that tyrannical dictator was me it

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all came to a boil in a battle between the armies of Cassius and Brutus and the [Soldiers marching to battle]

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legions of Antony and Octavius my adopted son well long story short

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Cassius and Brutus both ended up skewering themselves with their own

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because they were bad swordsmen but because they suffered a humiliating

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defeat ha if only they'd had a self-help group for total losers right yeah, I

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mean I'm so sorry my actions caused them to suffer and oh whatever I'm not sorry [Caesar speaking in self-help group]

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okay I actually appeared to Brutus as a ghost before the battle which you know

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is kind of nice I sort of tried to warn him didn't I I'm not a completely

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horrible guy and you know what power is awesome there I said it because of

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everything I did while my name still means something it's synonymous with

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power glory and a really nice salad and well what I asked could be better than

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that take that Arnold Palmer....

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