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[Dino and Coop singing]

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You know what they say about the colonies…

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"If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere!"

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…Hang on…that might just be New York… [Woman stood in New York]

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Well, anyway!

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The colonies were divided into three distinct regions, each offering something unique to [The colonies shown in different colors on a map]

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would-be colonists.

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First, there were the New England Colonies.

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If you’re in the mood for turkey and cranberry sauce, New England is where you want to be. [Guy dreaming of a turkey walking past a pot of cranberry sauce]

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That’s because New England was founded by Puritans, also known as the Pilgrims, also

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known as the People Who Brought You Thanksgiving. [Pilgrims having a thanksgiving dinner]

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They fled England hoping to find religious freedom, and they found it!

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They also found a climate of cold winters, mild summers and hard rocky soil that made [Shovel digging into the soil]

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farming difficult.

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Without cash crops to make a living on, New Englanders turned to fishing, lumbering, fur

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trading and mining, instead. [Coop pointing at a blackboard]

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Of course, if they wanted something fancy, they still had to order it special from England. [Woman using a computer]

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Amazon Prime wasn't a thing, yet.

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If you were lacking in Puritan work ethic, but were pro-diversity, you probably would've

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enjoyed the Middle Colonies.

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They were largely founded by Dutch Quakers also seeking religious liberty. [Dino pointing at a blackboard]

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In the middle colonies, just about anyone was free to practice whatever form of worship

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they wanted.

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Their diverse culture was also a reflection of their diverse climate.

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Moderate weather and fertile soil made it easy to grow cash crops like cotton, fruit, [Crops popping up in a field]

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grains…

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… and other farm-to-table-ready foods for the enjoyment of 18th century British hipsters. [18th century people taking pictures of their food]

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If farming wasn’t your thing, there were still plenty of other options to make a living

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in the middle colonies, including mining, fur trading, lumber, ship-building… and,

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depending on your moral compass, slave-trading.

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But if you care less about religious freedom and diversity, and more about lifestyle and

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gold, then you probably would've called the Southern Colonies home sweet home.

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These colonies were founded by rich English gentlemen who were all about ye olde Benjamins. [Man jumps into swimming pool full of money

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Or, actually, the pound sterling, since the US dollar wasn’t invented yet and Ben Franklin

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was still just a kook with a key and a kite. [Franklin holding on to his kite in stormy weather]

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The South’s economy was driven by cash crops – especially tobacco.

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No one in the 18th Century knew the link between smoking and lung cancer, so demand for tobacco [Guy has a chest x-ray it says lung cancer in his chest]

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was high…

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…which made Southerners happier than pigs in a blanket.

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Warm climates and rich soil made the crop super easy to grow. [Picture of old crop field]

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But these enormous plantations required lots of work to keep the cash flowing in... [Guy dreaming of farming work]

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…Which is why Southerners turned to slavery.

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…which makes us sadder than pigs without blankets. [The blanket is taken away from the pigs]

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So, no matter your religion, lifestyle, or job preference, the colonies had something

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for everyone.

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And you know what they say…"What happens in the colonies stays in the colonies…"

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…No?

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That's Vegas? [Lit up Vegas sign]

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Shoot…we'll get it right one of these times…

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