CONFIDENTIAL: Notes for my own Theme Park

F.T. Land? F. Tommy's Tomorrow Land? Warland? The Most Violent Place on Earth? VROOM?

• Brainstorming on ideas for my new theme park. Something that makes violence fun—"funner"!—for kids.
• Will feature a vision of the future—vehicles, innovations, possibilities for new identities and ways of living. Versatile solutions for modern man.
• Must be very, very, very masculine. Nothing romantically beautiful or "pleasing to the eye." Form over function. Our beauty is the beauty of speed and technology.
• All materials will be hard, steely, shiny, manufactured. Synthetic will be privileged over organic. Appearance over texture.
• Mascots will all be men. Big, muscular, oversized men who care only about the future and progress. ABSOLUTELY NO PRINCESSES. In fact, no princes, either. (That means you, D'Annunzio.) I'm not down with the aristocracy at all. We cannot have any romantic stories attached to this brand. And God forbid "Happily ever after."
• Several different rides based on cars, locomotives, airplanes—and definitely some exhibits dedicated exclusively to engines. Who doesn't love a well-curated show about engines?
• A submarine ride, for sure. I love Twenty-Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. This baby will be fast. (Note to self: may have to sell Dramamine in the gift shop.)
• One section of the park—Dominators: Men Ruling over Space and Time—will allow the visitor to wear prosthetic wings and soar over the park, gazing down condescendingly as though everything below belongs to him and is literally and figuratively beneath him. Will give the sense that he has "conquered" that space. This is a good self-esteem attraction. Parents will love it.
• A "House of the Future" not designed for the bourgeois family unit. A place for bros with lots of television sets. Who knows where TV technology will go? Television could be in color! "Rabbit ear" antennae may be a thing of the past!
• Several hardcore "battlefields" and cages like in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, where "boys can be boys" and get super violent—all for the greater good. (Have parents sign disclaimers—people are such ninnies these days. Way too much litigation.)
• A "Head over Heart" attraction that takes boys through an obstacle course that they can only complete by thinking—not feeling. Those who respond to intuition, compassion, or inner kindness will be immediately ejected from the game. Winners are unafraid. They are guided by action, they willingly sacrifice others, and they reject silly ideas like human empathy.
• Gift shop will sell such items as T–shirts and mugs that proclaim, "Lean, Mean, Fighting Machine."