How the Most Expensive Pizza of My Life Resulted in Delayed Gratzification
- Gratzification? Is that a typo? No, we assure you it's not. It's time to hear the first of many stories of Karl's bizarre life in Madman Land.
- Last spring, Karl decided to take his mom out for an expensive pizza dinner. Typically, he just gives her money to get drunk and stuff, but he decided a mother-son date might prevent that.
- While they waited for their pizza, his mom ranted about Vietnam, the ladies at her secretarial job, the Nixon/extraterrestrial conspiracy (don't even ask), and a lot of other random topics that take up a lot of pages in this chapter.
- Finally, the pizza arrived, and the topic changed to what classes Karl signed up to take his senior year. Because he's going to join the Army, his original plan was to just coast, but his mom changed all that.
- His mom gave him a massive guilt trip about how the town is dying and how his dad went to college and was mayor of Lightsburg and how men in their family go to college. Therefore, Karl should take college-prep courses.
- Karl was super annoyed by this, especially since she ordered wine with dinner and got smashed, which is exactly what he was trying to avoid to begin with.
- After he took her home and put her to bed, it was off to McDonald's for one of his five jobs. As he cleaned up the restaurant, he drank alcohol he smuggled in and thought about what his mom said.
- Karl realized that there was some truth to it all—Lightsburg really was a pathetic place, and it couldn't hurt to have some options. But the bigger realization he had is that he needed to quit drinking.
- Karl tossed the bottle in the dumpster and made a resolution to start going to AA and sign up for college prep-classes.
- The latter, however, had one tiny hitch in it: college-prep lit with Coach Gratz, a self-righteous Vietnam vet whom Karl pretty much finds obnoxious.
- He was supposed to have Mrs. Kliburn, who had a reputation for being a really easy teacher, but she left and was replaced with the not-as-desirable Gratz.
- And that, folks, is how he ended up with first period in Gratz's class. Not exactly the greatest way to start your senior year, and the no-alcohol part sure doesn't help.