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Celebrity personal assistant you have a dream no not that one a different [Martin Luther King giving a speech]

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dream is it to cure cancer no is it to ensure world peace no is it to be a

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kindergarten teacher lovingly shepherding five-year-olds into preteen [a young boy taking a bite of an apple]

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hood no your big dream to one day meet Ariana Grande. So uh what on earth went

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wrong in your childhood oh, but you have many other dreams to hang out at a party

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with the cast of stranger things to be cast as a superhero in a future Avengers [Image of the Avengers superheroes]

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movie not to be one of people's 50 most beautiful people to win one of those

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glorified participation trophies to direct to produce to produce a boat load [kid holding a participation trophy on stage]

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of dough to be a movie star seriously that's your life goal to dress up and

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play make-believe casting our judginess aside we'll just dive into reality so [girl diving into a pool]

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here is your reality you become Kristen Stewart's personal assistant awesome!

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You've been a fan girl since Twilight only being her assistant isn't quite what you

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imagined it's not you and Kristen hanging out all the time BFFs well she [girl jumping up and down at Kristen Stewart]

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treats you like an indentured servant she's on a power trip orders you to pick

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up chipotle all the time. You deliver it and she changes her mind now she just wants

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a sesame seed bagel so you run to the nearest delhi pick up a sesame bagel [girl running to pick up a sesame seed bagel from the delicatessen]

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bring it to her and she says I asked for a plain bagel. Okay, well she didn't but

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this is Christen Stewart she's like a goddess or whatever so you don't argue [girl holding a sesame seed bagel to Kristen Stewart]

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you suck it up sorry Kristen okay you go a plain bagel now I'm starving

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need to learn your lesson pick all the sesame seeds off this one so there you [Kristen Stewart telling the girl to pick all sesame seeds off the bagel]

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are crouched over a trash can picking sesame seeds off a bagel one by one

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but small price to pay because you're in Hollywood and it's what you've dreamed [the Hollywood sign]

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about all your short little life you'd do anything just to be in or near the

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spotlight only when you're with Kristen well people don't look at you like [Kristen Stewart on stage with flashing lights]

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you're a celebrity and look at you with pity or disgust they're willing to be

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someone's lackey just so they can kiss the hem of some starlets skirt that's [girl attempting to kiss the hem of someones skirt]

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what you do to anyone who even cares Kristen's the one with a shred of talent

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well she may not be but she's kind of a somebody you're the

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opposite just her troll ish whipping girl along for the ride and you're [a troll moving along in a cart]

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starting to feel like you did in high school when you were bullied and

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ridiculed for fawning over Becca Johnson it was Becca who became homecoming queen [Becca Johnson crowned homecoming queen]

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not you, no you were in charge of sweeping all the streamers off the gym

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floor while everyone with an actual date went home but no matter things might [girl sweeping the streamers off the dance floor]

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suck, you might be at Kristen's beck and call for now having to submit her every

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childish whim scraping dog crap off her shoes and reorganizing the books on her [girl re-arranging books on a bookshelf]

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bookshelves according to color but she is your ticket in. Knowing a big star

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personally is going to open doors for you right yeah right, the door to the

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county jail the door to the rehab clinic the door to Dr. Phil's office not the [Doors opening to the rehab clinic and Dr Phils office]

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doors Hollywood why, well because Kristen likes you right where you are on call

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for her she's never going to quote "put you in touch with her agent" unquote as she

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promised or talk about you glowingly at any casting directors or even give you [girl thinking that one day she'll be a star]

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that time to get away for auditions yep to that open call for the next Avengers

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movie has rolled around one of the items on your bucket list it's gone you can't [girl dressed as a superhero]

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go Kristen needs you to look in on her grandmother the nursing home so you can

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help change her colostomy bag you're famous employer is going to do whatever

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she can to make sure you continue to wallow in obscurity why no because you [Kristen Stewart on stage with fans raising their hands in the air]

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can't lose you because then she'd have to deal with the hassle of finding a

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replacement and why bother when she already has someone so docile so passive

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[jellyfish in the water] so pliable so spineless yeah so ten years have gone by in a blink Kristen is

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now has been wisely married a plastic surgeon in her heyday back when she had

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her original nose well as for you well you got to produce xXmen 14 host your [X-Men 14 movie poster]

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own talk show and be elected to Congress oh wait no that was your friend who went

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to law school and ran the LBO of the studio you didn't do any of that instead

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you became an expert at bagel seed picking shoe tying and sadly colostomy [girl picking seeds off a bagel]

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bag repair so you ended up not even a has been but never was and not only did

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you never get a chance to take a crack at whatever your dreams were because [girl thinking about her dreams up in smoke]

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Kristen never allowed you the time to get away well she no longer has a need

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nor the money for a personal assistant so if you're out of a job

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you finally got the time and freedom to pursue your acting career because now you're 30

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which for an actress starting out in Hollywood is like 75 in normal people [girl on stage and an older version of the girl walks on stage too]

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years you're tired and haggard and burned out you don't have the drive you once did

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and you realize that Hollywood was just another dumb dreams you have when you're [fast forward footage of a car driving]

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a teenager well what happened the dreams of like being an astronaut or a cowboy

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or a ninja turtle well you decide to take your life in another direction now [ninja turtles in an elevator]

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but you have a two-year junior college degree maybe if you were academically

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diligent there you have no real skills robots haven't replaced and yeah being

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able to pick individual dog hairs off someone's designer jacket doesn't count [girl picking dog hairs off somebody's designer jacket]

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and robots will do that soon too so what do you do well you wait tables you

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answer phones until the google phone bot replaces you and you starve well instead of [google phone bot appears on the girls desk]

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working toward an actual career you've doomed yourself to an endless string of

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jobs until you get old fall over and die because God knows you'll never have

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enough of a nest egg to retire yeah you're going to be one of those grey [a small nest with an egg in a persons palms]

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haired women at Denny's angrily asking customers if they want any maple syrup

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for those pancakes that's your life not the glitz not the glamour not the [angry older woman asking customer for maple syrup]

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popping the flashbulbs not the signing of autographs Denny's and death kind of

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tough to tell the difference do you think can you even make money being a

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celeb PA the average PA in Hollywood makes well 80 grand a year which isn't [celebrity assistant salary]

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chicken feed but you're in Hollywood so 80 grand basically pays for your

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electricity your car insurance and a year's worth of mani-pedis until you get [fish nibbling on a persons feet]

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fired and have to live on whatever savings you have and besides when do you

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have time to spend any of that hard-earned cash you're too busy driving

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bumper-to-bumper traffic from Malibu tanglewood to pick up some weirdos dry [very heavy traffic]

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cleaning or water their lawn or to check in on their pet Bengal tiger and that's

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assuming you even get the PA gig there's lots of competition for those jobs in [lots of people cuing]

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lala land so even if you win the PA lottery well you're still going to be

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tired and frustrated and not famous so maybe ask yourself what kind of life you

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want to have you want to do something significant or do you want to carry [firemen tackling a fire]

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wardrobe bags for someone who's doing something you know pretty much

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insignificant if you're having trouble making that call well you're Denny's

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destiny is looming and yeah we will have a syrup [man sat in Denny's asking for syrup]

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hey hey you

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