Since we know how much you like being told stuff you’re not allowed to do, we made you a list that you can print out and keep with you, maybe put it under your pillow at night!

1. Do not smoke when you have a minor in the car with you. If you are a minor, then don’t smoke at all. In fact, don’t smoke at all no matter how old you are. It’s gross and disgusting, and it makes you smell like a soybean refinery, and you look like an idiot, and we have absolutely no respect for you as a human being. Mind you, this is us being nice.
2. No dumping or abandoning animals on a highway. You could get a fine of $1,000 or six months in jail. And a smack upside the head from Sarah McLachlan.
3. Don’t use your cell phone without the aid of a hands-free device. And you can’t just be holding a hands-free device—you actually have to have it hooked up.
4. No texting while driving. Or, to put it in a way you will understand: NT&D, TYVM.
5. If you are going to use a headset or ear buds, do not have them covering both of your ears. You need one ear free in case an Adele song comes on the radio.
6. Don’t pack your car so tightly with junk that your line of vision is obscured in any direction. What are you doing with 48 cases of Twinkies anyway?
7. Don’t drive with items that are not securely fastened to your vehicle. For example, don’t put your little sister on the bike rack without first firmly attaching her there with plenty of bungee cord.
8. If driving a passenger vehicle, you shouldn’t have stuff hanging out all over the place. If you have anything extending out past the fenders on the left side or more than six inches past the fenders on the right, you could be pulled over and cited. And if you have anything extending more than four feet from the back you must have a red or fluorescent orange flag so other drivers will know to keep their distance. If any other driver pulls your flag, you are “tackled” and must return immediately to the bench.
9. Allow your passengers to ride only in the seats. This rules out the roof, the hood, the trunk, and the driver’s lap or shoulders. This is strictly forbidden, even if they like to ride very high up so they have a good view of everything.
10. Don’t let anyone ride inside your trunk unless their hands and feet have been securely bound and you have been expressly ordered by the godfather to dump them in the LA River. Even then it’s a bad idea; the LA River is only like 4 inches deep.
11. You may not load people (or even one person) into the back of a pickup truck unless there are seats and belts back there, in which case, nice pickup.
12. Same goes for animals—no loading them in the back of a pickup unless they are secured there. And no bolting their paws to the truck bed; that isn’t nice.
13. Never leave a child or animal unattended in a hot vehicle. Or in a completely unattractive vehicle for that matter.
14. Do not tow anyone riding roller skates or roller blades, skis, a skateboard, or any other type of nonsense. Who do you think you are, the Flying Corlekians? (You haven’t heard of them because they all died young while being towed around town on their bicycles.)
15. No littering. You can be severely fined, AND it is mean to the Earth. Also, unless you’ve been caught in a mudslide or hurricane lately, the Earth has been nothing but good to you.
16. If your vehicle features a video monitor, you as the driver may only view it if it contains information specifically related to the vehicle itself or global positioning information. There is a time and place to watch your DVD of When in Rome. Actually, wait, no there isn’t. Those Veronica Mars episodes, on the other hand…
17. Don’t honk your horn unless you are attempting to avoid a collision. It’s tough to resist, since it plays such sweet, sweet music, but don’t do it.
18. You should not be throwing anything out your window in the first place, but certainly don’t throw out anything that is lit or on fire, including cigarettes, cigars, kerosene lamps, flamethrowers, or suspected witches.
19. No shooting firearms on a highway or at traffic signs. You may be peeved that it is still 147 miles to Reno, but murdering the mile marker in cold blood won’t get you there any faster.
20. Be careful with objects that you hang from your mirror or paste up on the windows. There are certain areas of your windows where stickers and such are permitted, but take our advice and don’t even go there. They look tacky and are completely unnecessary. And they don’t do the best things for your car’s resale value.
21. Don’t drive into a wilderness area. Sorry, you’re going to have to get out and get right up close if you want to callously murder any innocent wildlife.
22. Don’t drive with illegally tinted windows. We doubt you have all that many run-ins with the paparazzi or some allergy to light like Bono. Seriously, what’s his deal?
23. If you come upon a funeral procession, take a load off and wait for them to go by. They have the right-of-way on so many levels. Be a safe driver, and hopefully no one will be throwing one of these for you any time soon.
24. Don’t let a child ride a “pocket bike” on a public street. Although the name is misleading, pocket bikes are actually large enough to ride. So no, that’s not a bike in our pocket. We really are just happy to see you.