These days, tests are still taken at the DMV, which makes sense. You have to go there anyway to get your smilin’ face inscribed on The Man’s computer banks. But when you go, take a careful look around. It’s likely that your grandkids won’t know what a DMV is—what do you think the odds are that in 30 years the tests are virtualized on computers, proctored on something like Skype, and with the driving exams being done by independent non-union contractors? The government just can’t afford to keep doing things the old-fashioned, expensive way that it has been…

Make your appointment here:  http://www.dmv.ca.gov

Or, if you still live in The Stone Age, use that dialing machine and call 800-777-0133.

Like most government-run things, the DMV won’t test you after 4:30 local time.

And unlike schools in the Far East, you can’t cheat: no ink scrawls on your arm; no vocab words stored on your phone; not even a trained ant (or aunt) to crawl in front of you spelling out mnemonics.

If they catch you cheating, they will fail you immediately on the test, and some big woman will take you to the back room for a good spanking. It is likely that the DMV will put that fact in your file, and it will haunt you if you go back for another shot (the cheating, not the spanking—well, maybe the spanking, too).

The Exam I Am

Green eggs. Don’t eat them before the exam, Sam. Or ever; they’ve probably gone bad.

There are 3 key components to getting your license:

Vision exam – your eyeballs take an SAT test naming letters on an eye chart.
Written exam – traffic laws and road rage rules and stuff like that.
Driving test – this is where you go with some poor dude who clearly did something bad in a former life and is being punished by having to face death daily at the hands of distracted teens. How would you like that gig?
For the test, you have to bring:

Someone 18 or over who has a license (otherwise, like, how did you get your car there?).
Proof of car insurance.
A car that works. Here’s what the DMV says “works” means (look under ‘Test Vehicle Requirements”).
You will have to know where to find the emergency lights, the headlights, the wipers, the defroster, and so on. Basic stuff. If you have been on Earth and driven with Mom and/or Dad ever at all, this part should be a snap.