If you’re under 21, you should generally hit on less than 17 unless the dealer is showing a bust card. Wait, what are we talking about here?

Oh, right. If you’re under 21 years of age:

1. You may not carry a container of any type of alcohol inside a vehicle unless you are accompanied by a parent or responsible adult (as specified by law, not by you) and said container is unopened. Hmm—unopened bottle of white wine and your parents. Sounds like your night’s going to be off the hook.

2. If you are caught with alcohol in your vehicle, your license can be suspended for up to 60 days. Then you’ll have to take the bus, where you’ll probably meet some shady characters. This will start a chain reaction of events that will lead to you dying penniless and alone on the streets of downtown Detroit.

3. If you are convicted of driving with a blood alcohol content (BAC) of 0.02% or higher or are under the influence of drugs, your driving privilege will be taken away from you for six months. It will temporarily be given to someone who drinks a lot of iced tea and is always in bed before ten. If you have a prior positive BAC test result or prior refusal to take the test in the past 10 years, then unfortunately you will lose your license for two years. If you think turning down an offer of alcohol from one of your peers is embarrassing, try asking your mommy to drive you to DUI class.