Traffic Lights and Signals
Now on to the fun stuff: the part with all the pretty pictures!
Here’s a quick tutorial about any traffic lights you may encounter, and what they mean:
Solid Red - Contrary to what many teens apparently believe, a solid red light does not mean, “Continue forward, as light is about to turn green.” We appreciate that you’re in a hurry to get to the mall, but that pair of Chucks you want will still be there in five minutes. STOP at all red lights, please. If you need to make a right turn on red, and there is no sign prohibiting such a turn, you may do so, assuming that you have first come to a COMPLETE STOP and have yielded to any pedestrians, cyclists, other vehicles, or escaped jungle cats that may be in your path. HOWEVER, it is a violation of the law to make a right turn on red when a steady or flashing “Walk” signal is being displayed, even if there are no pedestrians in the crosswalk. So make sure it says “Don’t Walk,” Ok?
Red Arrow - This also means “STOP”. Guess what you can’t do when you see this signal? Turn, that’s right! Hey, somebody’s been studying their colors and shapes, haven’t they? You can NEVER turn left if you are stopped at a red arrow pointing left; if you are at a red arrow pointing right, you may turn right, but only under the same conditions as that of a red stop light.
Flashing Red - We’ve got ourselves another red signal here, so we’re going to guess it has something to do with stopping. We’re right! When you see this light, it basically means the same thing as a stop sign. You must come to a full stop, but you may then continue forward once you have determined that it is safe to do so. Sometimes a flashing red light means that a traffic light is broken, so be mindful of other cars that may also be trying to cross the intersection.
Solid Yellow - You may think that this signal means “SLOW DOWN”, but that isn’t really accurate. For example, if you’re almost to an intersection and the light changes to yellow and you start to decelerate, you may be gliding slowly through that intersection just as Sammy the Speed Demon is heading in your direction from the left. Instead, it means “CAUTION”. You should slow to a stop unless you don’t have enough time to stop safely, in which case you should continue through the intersection. Just don’t start being liberal with your interpretation of how much time you need to stop safely. If you need to put on your prescription glasses in order to read that street sign way up yonder, chances are you have enough time to slow it on down.
Remember: the yellow light is not a challenge. The traffic light is not getting all up in your face and making fun of you for not being able to make it through the intersection in time. Just let it go—we see many more green lights in your future.
Yellow Arrow - Since you’re so smart, we’re sure you already have a pretty good idea what this one means. If you are preparing to turn in the indicated direction, proceed with caution and only do so if you will be able to make it through the intersection before the signal changes. If your psychic powers are lacking and you’re not quite sure if you’ll have enough time, play it safe and slow down.
Flashing Yellow - This is a yellow light that wears a trench coat and exposes itself to strangers on subways. Wait, scratch that. Actually, it means that you should “PROCEED WITH CAUTION”. You don’t need to come to a full stop, but you should reduce your speed and be more alert than usual (and you should already be pretty darn alert).
Flashing Yellow Arrow - If you see this signal, you may turn cautiously in the indicated direction, but only after yielding to oncoming traffic and pedestrians. Not that there’s ever a time when you shouldn’t try to avoid hitting cars or people.
Solid Green - Solid green is made of people! You may be too young for that one, but don’t sweat it. It’s really funny though—just trust us. Anyway, when confronted with this traffic signal, don’t immediately assume that you can “GO”. Some drivers lay on the accelerator the second they see this puppy, but as always, you must be aware of your surroundings. Make sure before proceeding that there is no vehicle, pedestrian, cyclist, or jungle cat still clearing the intersection—man, where are all these jungle cats coming from? If turning left, make sure that you can safely make the turn before any oncoming traffic approaches. This is also the most eco-friendly of all the traffic signals. Yeah, we went there.
Green Arrow - Yes, it means Oliver Queen, the trick arrow-sporting superhero, is about to arrive. Nerd. What this signal really means is that you may make a protected turn in the indicated direction. Once again, try not to run over any old ladies with walkers who may need a few extra seconds to reach the curb.
Blue Light with Orange Stripes - You have probably eaten some bad shellfish. Get to the nearest hospital and seek medical care immediately.
Traffic Signal Blackout - If you arrive at an intersection that normally features traffic lights and you don’t see any lights at all, it means one of three things:
1) Your eyes are closed. Open them immediately and proceed.
2) The Russians took them.
3) There has simply been a mechanical malfunction, and the lights are currently out of service. In that case (hopefully the most likely of the three), treat the situation as if you are pulling up to an intersection with stop signs on all corners. Proceed cautiously, as some dumbos may think a blackout is an invitation for a traffic free-for-all.