U-turns are sometimes legal, sometimes illegal. What’s that you say? You’d like to be able to tell the difference? This must be your lucky day.

You may legally make a U-turn:

1. Across a double yellow line, as long as it is safe and there are no signs prohibiting it. No doing that across a triple yellow line, though. Those are pretty rare (non-existent), but now you know.

2. In a residential area, as long as no oncoming traffic is within 200 feet or there is a traffic signal protecting you from oncoming traffic.

3. At most intersections, as long as there’s not a “No U-turn” sign. Make sure you still wait for that green light though. If you’ll recall, that means “go.”

4. On a divided highway when there is an opening that is specifically provided for vehicles to move into in order to make either a U-turn or a left turn. Be cautious, however, as the road may be unstable, for we all know that a highway divided against itself cannot stand. A little bit of American history humor for you there. Sorry, it won’t happen again. Even though those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it junior year.

Do not—we repeat, do NOT—make a U-turn:

1. Near or on railroad tracks. Gee, wonder why that is…

2. On a divided highway when no opening is provided. We’d make a joke here, but we already did the Abraham Lincoln quote earlier, and it’s really hard to poke fun at the word “opening” without being dirty.

3. If you don’t have a clear line of vision both in front of and behind you. This could be because of bad weather, or because you forgot to remove your windshield sunshade.

4. Anywhere a “No U-turn” sign is posted. Unless there is a second “No” at the beginning, which would make it a double negative.

5. If there are cars coming that might hit you. They might want to hit you, too. They look mad.

6. When you’re driving down a one-way street. If the meaning of “one-way street” just finally hit you, give yourself a pat on the back. A very, very hard pat on the back. Don’t be afraid to knock yourself over.

7. In front of a fire station. If there’s a fire somewhere, and you’re in their way, they won’t hesitate to run you right over with their big truck. They might even sic their Dalmatian on you.

8. In a corporate area. You don’t want to be making unpermitted U-turns in front of hidden alleyways and busy parking lots. That’s a recipe for disaster. Not even Paula Deen would advise you to try that one, and she… works with recipes… all the… time. Ok, so maybe the jokes fall flat sometimes, sue us.