Enter Elbow, Pompey, and Officers. ELBOW, to Pompey
Nay, if there be no remedy for it
but that you will needs buy and sell men and
women like beasts, we shall have all the world drink
brown and white bastard. DUKE, as Friar, aside O heavens, what stuff is here? 5 POMPEY
’Twas never merry world since, of two usuries,
the merriest was put down, and the worser allowed
by order of law a furred gown to keep him warm,
and furred with fox and lambskins too, to signify
that craft, being richer than innocency, stands for 10
the facing. ELBOW
Come your way, sir.—Bless you, good father
friar. DUKE, as Friar
And you, good brother father. What
offense hath this man made you, sir? 15 ELBOW
Marry, sir, he hath offended the law; and, sir,
we take him to be a thief too, sir, for we have found
upon him, sir, a strange picklock, which we have
sent to the Deputy. DUKE, as Friar, to Pompey
Fie, sirrah, a bawd, a wicked bawd! 20
The evil that thou causest to be done,
That is thy means to live. Do thou but think
What ’tis to cram a maw or clothe a back
From such a filthy vice; say to thyself,
From their abominable and beastly touches 25
I drink, I eat, array myself, and live.
Canst thou believe thy living is a life,
So stinkingly depending? Go mend, go mend. POMPEY
Indeed, it does stink in some sort, sir. But yet,
sir, I would prove— 30 DUKE, as Friar
Nay, if the devil have given thee proofs for sin,
Thou wilt prove his.—Take him to prison, officer.
Correction and instruction must both work
Ere this rude beast will profit. ELBOW
He must before the Deputy, sir; he has given 35
him warning. The Deputy cannot abide a whoremaster.
If he be a whoremonger and comes before
him, he were as good go a mile on his errand. DUKE, as Friar
That we were all, as some would seem to be,
From our faults, as faults from seeming, free. 40 ELBOW
His neck will come to your waist—a cord, sir. | Elbow and Pompey burst in and Elbow accuses Pompey, again, of being a criminal. (Thank goodness for this comedic interlude, because the previous scene between Isabella and Claudio was getting pretty heavy, don't you think?) The Duke (still disguised as a friar) tells Pompey that he's disgusted by the way Pompey earns his living as a pimp. How can Pompey live with himself? The Duke orders Pompey to prison, where Pompey should be punished and rehabilitated before his release. Elbow insists that Pompey appear before the Provost, who will almost certainly sentence Pompey to hang since he's already been warned about being a "whoremaster." |
Enter Lucio. POMPEY
I spy comfort, I cry bail. Here’s a gentleman
and a friend of mine. LUCIO
How now, noble Pompey? What, at the wheels of
Caesar? Art thou led in triumph? What, is there 45
none of Pygmalion’s images, newly made woman,
to be had now, for putting the hand in the pocket
and extracting it clutched? What reply, ha? What
sayst thou to this tune, matter, and method? Is ’t not
drowned i’ th’ last rain, ha? What sayst thou, trot? Is 50
the world as it was, man? Which is the way? Is it sad
and few words? Or how? The trick of it? DUKE, as Friar, aside
Still thus, and thus; still worse. LUCIO, to Pompey How doth my dear morsel, thy
mistress? Procures she still, ha? 55 POMPEY
Troth, sir, she hath eaten up all her beef, and
she is herself in the tub. LUCIO
Why, ’tis good. It is the right of it. It must be so.
Ever your fresh whore and your powdered bawd, an
unshunned consequence; it must be so. Art going to 60
prison, Pompey? POMPEY
Yes, faith, sir. LUCIO
Why, ’tis not amiss, Pompey. Farewell. Go say I
sent thee thither. For debt, Pompey? Or how? ELBOW
For being a bawd, for being a bawd. 65
LUCIO Well, then, imprison him. If imprisonment be
the due of a bawd, why, ’tis his right. Bawd is he,
doubtless, and of antiquity too. Bawd born.—
Farewell, good Pompey. Commend me to the prison,
Pompey. You will turn good husband now, 70
Pompey; you will keep the house. POMPEY
I hope, sir, your good Worship will be my bail. LUCIO
No, indeed, will I not, Pompey; it is not the
wear. I will pray, Pompey, to increase your bondage.
If you take it not patiently, why, your mettle is 75
the more. Adieu, trusty Pompey.—Bless you, friar. DUKE, as Friar
And you. LUCIO, to Pompey
Does Bridget paint still, Pompey,
ha? ELBOW, to Pompey
Come your ways, sir, come. 80 POMPEY, to Lucio
You will not bail me, then, sir? LUCIO Then, Pompey, nor now.—What news abroad,
friar? What news? ELBOW, to Pompey
Come your ways, sir, come. LUCIO
Go to kennel, Pompey, go. 85 Elbow, Pompey, and Officers exit. What news, friar, of the Duke? DUKE, as Friar
I know none. Can you tell me of any? LUCIO
Some say he is with the Emperor of Russia;
other some, he is in Rome. But where is he, think
you? 90 DUKE, as Friar
I know not where, but wheresoever, I
wish him well. LUCIO
It was a mad fantastical trick of him to steal
from the state and usurp the beggary he was never
born to. Lord Angelo dukes it well in his absence. 95
He puts transgression to ’t. DUKE, as Friar
He does well in ’t. LUCIO
A little more lenity to lechery would do no harm
in him. Something too crabbed that way, friar. DUKE, as Friar
It is too general a vice, and severity 100
must cure it. LUCIO
Yes, in good sooth, the vice is of a great kindred;
it is well allied, but it is impossible to extirp it quite,
friar, till eating and drinking be put down. They say
this Angelo was not made by man and woman after 105
this downright way of creation. Is it true, think
you? DUKE, as Friar
How should he be made, then? LUCIO Some report a sea-maid spawned him; some,
that he was begot between two stockfishes. But it is 110
certain that when he makes water, his urine is
congealed ice; that I know to be true. And he is a
motion generative, that’s infallible. DUKE, as Friar
You are pleasant, sir, and speak apace. | Lucio enters and asks how Mistress Overdone is doing. Pompey tells him that Mistress Overdone has been overworking her employees and is now seeking treatment for some kind of nasty venereal disease. Pompey says he's going to prison for being a "bawd" (pimp) and Lucio says something like "Have a good time in prison." Lucio asks the "friar" if he's seen the Duke, and the Duke is all "gee, I haven't seen him." Lucio complains that Angelo is too harsh a judge and then proceeds to spread a rumor that Angelo is the "spawn" of a mermaid, urinates ice, and is incapable of getting an erection. (We're not kidding.) |
LUCIO
Why, what a ruthless thing is this in him, for the 115
rebellion of a codpiece to take away the life of a
man! Would the duke that is absent have done this?
Ere he would have hanged a man for the getting
a hundred bastards, he would have paid for the
nursing a thousand. He had some feeling of the 120
sport, he knew the service, and that instructed him
to mercy. DUKE, as Friar
I never heard the absent duke much
detected for women. He was not inclined that way. LUCIO
O, sir, you are deceived. 125 DUKE, as Friar
’Tis not possible. LUCIO
Who, not the Duke? Yes, your beggar of fifty;
and his use was to put a ducat in her clack-dish. The
Duke had crotchets in him. He would be drunk too,
that let me inform you. 130 DUKE, as Friar
You do him wrong, surely. LUCIO
Sir, I was an inward of his. A shy fellow was the
Duke, and I believe I know the cause of his
withdrawing. DUKE, as Friar
What, I prithee, might be the cause? 135 LUCIO
No, pardon. ’Tis a secret must be locked within
the teeth and the lips. But this I can let you
understand: the greater file of the subject held the
Duke to be wise. DUKE, as Friar
Wise? Why, no question but he was. 140 LUCIO
A very superficial, ignorant, unweighing fellow. DUKE, as Friar
Either this is envy in you, folly, or
mistaking. The very stream of his life and the
business he hath helmed must, upon a warranted
need, give him a better proclamation. Let him be 145
but testimonied in his own bringings-forth, and he
shall appear to the envious a scholar, a statesman,
and a soldier. Therefore you speak unskillfully. Or,
if your knowledge be more, it is much darkened in
your malice. 150 LUCIO Sir, I know him, and I love him. DUKE, as Friar
Love talks with better knowledge, and
knowledge with dearer love. LUCIO
Come, sir, I know what I know. DUKE, as Friar
I can hardly believe that, since you 155
know not what you speak. But if ever the Duke
return, as our prayers are he may, let me desire you
to make your answer before him. If it be honest you
have spoke, you have courage to maintain it. I am
bound to call upon you, and, I pray you, your name? 160 LUCIO
Sir, my name is Lucio, well known to the Duke. DUKE, as Friar He shall know you better, sir, if I may
live to report you. LUCIO
I fear you not. DUKE, as Friar
O, you hope the Duke will return no 165
more, or you imagine me too unhurtful an opposite.
But indeed I can do you little harm; you’ll
forswear this again. LUCIO
I’ll be hanged first. Thou art deceived in me,
friar. But no more of this. Canst thou tell if Claudio 170
die tomorrow or no? DUKE, as Friar Why should he die, sir? LUCIO
Why? For filling a bottle with a tundish. I would
the Duke we talk of were returned again. This
ungenitured agent will unpeople the province with 175
continency. Sparrows must not build in his house
eaves, because they are lecherous. The Duke yet
would have dark deeds darkly answered. He would
never bring them to light Would he were returned.
Marry, this Claudio is condemned for untrussing. 180
Farewell, good friar. I prithee pray for me. The
Duke, I say to thee again, would eat mutton on
Fridays. He’s now past it, yet—and I say to thee—
he would mouth with a beggar though she smelt
brown bread and garlic. Say that I said so. Farewell. 185 He exits. DUKE
No might nor greatness in mortality
Can censure scape. Back-wounding calumny
The whitest virtue strikes. What king so strong
Can tie the gall up in the slanderous tongue?
But who comes here? 190 | Lucio complains that the death penalty is way too harsh a punishment for having sex outside marriage and insists that the Duke would never stoop to such an unjust punishment. Lucio continues to talk trash and claims the Duke likes to spend time with prostitutes. The disguised Duke is not happy about this. |
Enter Escalus, Provost, Officers, and Mistress
Overdone, a Bawd. ESCALUS, to Officers
Go, away with her to prison. BAWD
Good my lord, be good to me. Your Honor is
accounted a merciful man, good my lord. ESCALUS
Double and treble admonition, and still forfeit
in the same kind? This would make mercy 195
swear and play the tyrant. PROVOST
A bawd of eleven years’ continuance, may it
please your Honor. BAWD, to Escalus
My lord, this is one Lucio’s information
against me. Mistress Kate Keepdown was 200
with child by him in the Duke’s time; he promised
her marriage. His child is a year and a quarter old
come Philip and Jacob. I have kept it myself, and see
how he goes about to abuse me. ESCALUS
That fellow is a fellow of much license. Let 205
him be called before us. Away with her to prison.—
Go to, no more words. Officers exit with Bawd.
Provost, my brother Angelo will not be altered.
Claudio must die tomorrow. Let him be furnished
with divines and have all charitable preparation. If 210
my brother wrought by my pity, it should not be so
with him. PROVOST
So please you, this friar hath been with him,
and advised him for th’ entertainment of death. | Lucio exits and Escalus enters with the Provost and Mistress Overdone. Mistress Overdone is on her way to prison for running a brothel for the past eleven years. As she's being taken to the slammer, Overdone claims that Lucio has set her up and that he should be arrested because he got a prostitute, Mistress Keepdown, pregnant a year and a half ago but refuses to marry her—even though he promised that he would. Escalus tells the Provost they should probably chat with Lucio, then he laments Claudio's fate. The Provost mentions that the Friar just talked with Claudio to prep him for his death. |
ESCALUS
Good even, good father. 215 DUKE, as Friar
Bliss and goodness on you. ESCALUS
Of whence are you? DUKE, as Friar
Not of this country, though my chance is now
To use it for my time. I am a brother
Of gracious order, late come from the See 220
In special business from his Holiness. ESCALUS
What news abroad i’ th’ world? DUKE, as Friar
None but that there is so great a fever
on goodness that the dissolution of it must cure it.
Novelty is only in request, and it is as dangerous to 225
be aged in any kind of course as it is virtuous to be
constant in any undertaking. There is scarce truth
enough alive to make societies secure, but security
enough to make fellowships accursed. Much upon
this riddle runs the wisdom of the world. This news 230
is old enough, yet it is every day’s news. I pray you,
sir, of what disposition was the Duke? ESCALUS
One that, above all other strifes, contended
especially to know himself. DUKE, as Friar
What pleasure was he given to? 235 ESCALUS
Rather rejoicing to see another merry than
merry at anything which professed to make him
rejoice—a gentleman of all temperance. But leave
we him to his events, with a prayer they may prove
prosperous, and let me desire to know how you find 240
Claudio prepared. I am made to understand that
you have lent him visitation. DUKE, as Friar
He professes to have received no
sinister measure from his judge but most willingly
humbles himself to the determination of justice. Yet 245
had he framed to himself, by the instruction of his
frailty, many deceiving promises of life, which I, by
my good leisure, have discredited to him, and now
is he resolved to die. ESCALUS
You have paid the heavens your function and 250
the prisoner the very debt of your calling. I have
labored for the poor gentleman to the extremest
shore of my modesty, but my brother justice have I
found so severe that he hath forced me to tell him
he is indeed Justice. 255 DUKE, as Friar
If his own life answer the straitness of
his proceeding, it shall become him well; wherein if
he chance to fail, he hath sentenced himself. ESCALUS
I am going to visit the prisoner. Fare you well. DUKE, as Friar
Peace be with you. 260 Escalus and Provost exit. DUKE
He who the sword of heaven will bear
Should be as holy as severe,
Pattern in himself to know,
Grace to stand, and virtue go;
More nor less to others paying 265
Than by self-offenses weighing.
Shame to him whose cruel striking
Kills for faults of his own liking.
Twice treble shame on Angelo,
To weed my vice, and let his grow. 270
O, what may man within him hide,
Though angel on the outward side!
How may likeness made in crimes,
Making practice on the times,
To draw with idle spiders’ strings 275
Most ponderous and substantial things.
Craft against vice I must apply.
With Angelo tonight shall lie
His old betrothèd but despisèd.
So disguise shall, by th’ disguisèd, 280
Pay with falsehood false exacting
And perform an old contracting. He exits. | Escalus chats up the Friar-Duke, asking him where he's from. The Duke-Friar claims to be visiting from the Vatican. The Duke tests Escalus's loyalty by asking, "so, what do you think about this Duke Vincentio guy?" Escalus passes the test by giving the Duke props. Escalus and the Duke discuss Claudio's plight. The Duke says that Claudio has prepared himself for his inevitable death and willingly accepts that his punishment is just. Escalus complains that Angelo is so tough that he seems like the personification of "Justice." The Duke says it's OK for Angelo to be tough, so long as he lives by the same rules and laws that he enforces. (Yeah, right.) When Escalus runs off to visit Claudio, the Duke tells the audience that Angelo's hypocrisy is shameful. That's why the Duke is going to teach him a lesson by tricking him into sleeping with his ex-fiancé. |