How It All Goes Down
Ralph Kramden and the Marlboro Man
- Piper is listening to the dulcet tones of the firing range nearby—"There was something unsettling about toiling away for a prison while listening to your jailers practice shooting you" (11.2)—when cranky Mr. Thomas shows up to take her for a ride.
- He takes her and some other prison employees to paint a house for the new warden.
- The perk: There's a lake nearby, and Piper gets to go look at it. She can't thank Mr. Thomas enough.
- One of the other prisoners suggests that Piper come work in construction with Mr. Thomas, and Piper fills out the form… but she has to get DeSimon to sign it.
- He calls her "Kermit" (11.36) and refuses. It's not easy being green.
- One day, they're pulling cables from the basement. It's a tight fit, so the cables need to be lubricated. DeSimon tells Piper, "You like that horse cock, don't you, Kermit" (11.55).
- She files a complaint with DeSimon's boss, and gets the job switch she was hoping for.
- Well, not quite. It's prison, so she has to wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. Like she's in Casablanca or something.
- While she waits, she gets a new neighbor named Pom-Pom whose mom used to serve in Danbury, too; it's like the family business.
- At the end of July, as the prisoners are trying to decide on the song of summer (Akon's "Locked Up" is a shoo-in), Piper gets the transfer to construction.